we broke up :(

[jamiebfd]

i was with my fella for 3 years and we split up 2 days ago.
he left me because i threatened him over the phone when i was drunk and he also found a profile of mine on a gay community website.
i tried to tell him i was being silly and didnt mean it when i threatened him and that id never do anything to hurt him.
i also didnt go on the website for dating but only to make friends which i dont see as a problem.

basically im gutted that ive lost him and just wanted to ask...
am i wrong? is it bad to be on the website when im in a relationship.
i understand the threatening is wrong and all i could do was apologise and convince him i didnt mean it and that the fact i was drunk didnt help. (im not using that as an excuse btw)

in our relationship he was been very controlling and spying on my facebook and emails. to the extent where my passwords were being reset and changed so he could get into them and read my messages lol.

he doesnt trust me at all but ive never cheated on him or done anything to make him think i will.

is this common and can it be helped?

thanks for taking the time to read this and i hope for some replies soon.

[marshlander]

I am very sorry to hear about your break up. I hope it isn't too painful for too long.

It's a sad thing, but if you don't have trust, you don't really have a relationship. Once that trust has been lost it is the most difficult job to rebuild it, although with a lot of discussion and care it can be done. Anyone who needs to spy on their partner's accounts has problems. I always look away when my partner puts in his passwords and pin codes. I have no wish and no need to know them.

It sounds like after the event you are coming to us for validation (sorry, I've just started reading "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs - you might find it interesting, given what you've shared here)?

I don't see anything wrong with socialising outside the relationship, but a bit of openness and honesty helps. I kept a Gaydar profile going for a few years after I met my partner, although I knew I was never going to use it for hooking up. In the end, even though I knew it didn't worry him, I just deleted the account. I didn't need to keep in contact with those friends except for the one or two with whom I am also in contact by other means.

It sounds as though there was a problem of a lack of communication which got out of hand and became a trust issue.

Better luck next time.

[JoeyJoJo]

Oh, honey. I can totally relate to this. I've talked about my psycho ex in other threads, but he was basically a control freak and with many problems. Like your ex, mine hacked into my email multiple times. I couldn't have any gay guy friends (because he always assumed they were gonna f*ck me). We had verbal fights nearly every single day. If I can say ONE good thing about him, he never physically harmed me. But, anyway..... the difference is that I (not him) walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. In my opinion, and even though it hurts, it's better that this relationship has folded. He obviously didn't trust you and has many issues. I know it's clichéd to say this, but time really does make things better.

You can do better. You DESERVE better!

[xxxj1985xxx]

Wow I'm sorry that happened. There was a couple things that ran through my mind while reading the blog.

First: He sounds like an A@@hole. Seriously. If he was checking your facebook emails and spying on you. He didn't trust you as you know, & with him being controlling, ya. Honestly you're waaayyyy better off without him. I mean seriously, do u really want that kind of attention? Or would you rather have a boyfriend who does trust you and want to spend time with you, instead of checking on everything you're doing online? It'll take some time to realize this but...

Second: Why'd you put up with him? Self respect and self satisfaction is very important when you're Gay. Otherwise you end up with guys like him, or worse, and usually unhappy.
One tip: Meditation.

There's no way I'd put up with a guy like that lol. In a female/male relationship, if the husband is like that, usually the wife doesn't have enough self respect to believe that she can be fine without him and to leave him.

I know you didn't have any intentions of cheating on him, but that tends to be the reason why the Gay Relationship/divorce rate is so high. As soon as the boyfriend is out of town he cheats on him, the the other guy is heartbroken, can't trust u, etc. As for the profile thing, this kind of relates to that. But in turn I think you started it up because you knew subconsciously he was an A@@hole and didn't really want to be with him.

As for me, if I found out my bf had a profile on some site, I'd be hurt, maybe pissed, but there's a large line between looking and cheating, which is what I'd be trying to determine. I'd know his taste, post a profile, and try to get him to talk to me while thinking I'm someone else lmao. That way I know for sure if he's True.
I think that if you 2 were in a healthy relationship that you wouldn't have opened that profile :-)

PS: When you're going through your break up stages, try to look at yourself. Get more self respect, love yourself, etc. And next bf I'd recommend going for a guy who has a completely different personality lol.

He never deserved you in the first place :-)

[DarkDaisuke]

Im so sorry