Ex showed up at my place.

[calisurfjump]

Thanks East.

Had a strange turn of events. He sent me one last email just asking me just to read it. I did, it pretty much got to me. It had a file and the file was a collage of pictures, concerts tickets we went to, camping passes from several camping trips and pictures too and just a bunch of other things that really got to me. I didn't even think he had these things.

I called him up and he agreed to meet up for coffee and talk. We met close to my place because I left work a bit late. We had to come back to my place to talk in private since we were getting a lot of things out. Nothing like fighting or throwing accusations at each other. He apologized for what he did. He couldn't believe how much he hurt me and cant forgive himself for that. He understands if I can't trust him again. I said I could but its gonna take time. He told me he got out of his current relationship a week ago, since it was a huge mistake and he needs to really find himself. He knows for sure that he's not straight and he needs to work through that, also that he loves me. But understands if I've moved on. We talked till about 5 am, never got angry at each other. We just cleared things up. Yeah, we cried a lot and he understands that I'm standofish right now. He spent the night and nothing happened. We both agreed it's not appropriate. We had the day off and spent most of it talking and hanging out. We both agreed that we're not ready to start anything with anyone, let alone each other right now. He needs to really work on himself and so do I. It's really weird how honest we were with each other, like there were no barriers or walls. We never had this level of communication before. It ended with us saying that we need to work on ourselves first, and that we both want to remain friends.

A lot has happened these last two months. He needs to find himself, I need more time to heal. As to what's in store for us? I don't know. I told him I can trust him again, it's just gonna take time. He understood and wanted to give me as much time as I needed. We made it a point that we still need to be able to talk to each other about anything, we need time to figure ourselves out was paramount, and that neither one is going to date anyone. What's everyones take on that? We plan on hanging out once in a while. Is that a good idea? We have no intentions of getting back together right now. Neither one of us is ready. But we still want to be friends. I don't think he's leading me on or using me, just a bit scared here.

[East]

Before I say what I want to say I want you to know that I have no way of knowing all of the things you know about each other and all of the dynamics so I could be wrong but from what you have written here and for whatever it is worth I have a very strong feeling that he is very sorry about what happened and truly didnt' get how much he hurt you until recently...

I really hope you guys can get past this...I feel bad for both of you...I am a sucker for happy endings and that is my wish for both of you...whether that means you will be together or apart I don't know but I hope you guys stay friends. I get a strong sense that you both love each other even though there is alot of hurt at the moment.

Good Luck to you both.....I truly mean that.

[SrChulo]

Wow.. well I think it's clear that he would drop everything and get back together with you if you said you wanted to (even right now). He's the one pursuing you...and he hasn't stopped.

I don't know. I guess you really have to look inside yourself and see if you want to get back on that horse. Try not to be distracted by a sentimental e-mail. That's really nice, but he sent it for a reason. It shouldn't be a deciding factor.

As you know, you have a lot of thinking to do. I think if you just go with the flow right now, it will probably lead to you guys getting back together, because that's where he will be steering the "flow." So make an effort to decide if you really want that before it happens. Before you know it, he could be cheating on you again. Do you think he's a CHEATER as a person? Or did he just have a bad couple of weeks with you? What makes you think he would be different this time?

[BobInTampa]

A few things struck me as i read this thread.

1) A rebound is a rebound - your ex cheated on you, got a GF, made a mistake, wants back - lots of emotions here and it's never good to make any solid decisions when one is really emotional.

2) For me, you can't "move on" if you're still in contact with an ex. It's good you cleared the air. It's good he shared with you all the memories he's kept when you were dating - it gives him perspective on what is GOOD in a relationship. Now that you've had that last "meeting" and cleared the air - i would go back to your first decision and not have any contact for at least 6 months.

3) Out or in? Gay, Bi, Curious? He's got a LOT of things he has to deal with and face in the next several months. To expect him to really be able to focus on those issues AND any form of relationship is unreasonable - something will give - and i'm sure you don't want that to be your heart.

4) Last thing: LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, IT'S A DECISION! It's something that has to be re-decided and re-committed to every single day. The "feelings" he's having about your "past" and "future" are just that - echo's of the past and really have no bearing on his our your future.

It sounds to me like you're a quality guy. Caring, mature and balanced. Take those character traits and move on - just my 2 cents worth!

[calisurfjump]

Thanks Sr and East.

Last 24 hours have been an emotional roller coaster. I know I have a lot of thinking to do, and really look deep down inside myself. Yes, I do love him. I know he loves me too, but we both need a lot of work to do. We talked last night before going to bed and it did feel good. Like I said before, the level of honesty and communication we have with each other now is very deep. Yeah there's a lot of hurt right now, especially on my part. Seeing him has opened up some wounds a bit. He knows how deep he hurt me. Realizes that I need time to heal and he's the one who hurt me.

You're correct SrChulo with going with the 'flow'. That's what we want to do and I think he will steer it that way. Is that a good thing? I don't know. As to being a cheater, he's not a cheater. When he left me he was scared of where our relationship was heading. He has a lot of pressure from his mom on being gay. Long story there. So I understood where he's coming from. As to it being different this time, well we both need to work on ourselves and be single. I don't know in all honesty. We are able to communicate with each other on a very personal, deep and caring level. Is that enough? I don't know.

I just don't want to get my hopes up. I know I'm not ready to go on dates or date anyone right now, even my ex. I think of him more after all that's happened. I don't know if that's healthy. Before we talked things in my life were a bit clearer, I was healing and moving on. Now things are clouded. I'm still healing, working on myself and moving on. But he's in the picture now and there is hope. Is it false hope? I don't know. Is that hope good? Right now there are a lot of 'I don't knows', very few certain things. Only thing that is certain is that he's back in my life, we are talking and we're helping each other out. Is that healthy? Can we help each other out and still move on w/o influencing each other or the outcome? Like I said I don't know. Any insight from you guys is always appreciated.

Just read your post Bob. Thanks for the input. Part of me thinks meeting him was a mistake, since I feel like I'm back at square one. We broke up 2 months ago so why did we need to talk. Part of me thinks he's scared of being alone and is just using me a crutch right now. Another part knows he made a mistake cheated, lied and shoved his relationship in my face. Yeah it hurt a lot. That same part is screaming for me to run as for away from him as possible and not look back. If I could quantify it's 40% take it slow see where it goes and 30% run for the freaking hills 30% doesn't freaking now. It's like a battle between logic/reason, emotions, and the past. I'm scared to make any choices right now.

I just really don't have the slighest freaking idea what to do right now.

[azulai]

Early on you took a very hard-nose no nonsense strategy. The problem I had with that is I felt you were going to take a very long time for closure. I think it was very important/healthy for you that you had that meeting, talked things out and cried. So, I wouldn’t regret that. I think you have a better understanding of why he did what he did, and you needed that.

Yes I agree, now you are wobbling/confused. I think you've been very strong through out all of this and you have got to be just wiped out. I really feel for you. I think you have soul searched and given him/the relationship everything you possibly could. I think you need to put the focus back on you.

If I were you, I would go back to your NC but for a fixed amount of time (maybe a good month) --compromise between your two approaches. You’ve established a new kind of “relationship” talked as never before and those are all good things, so if he really is serious, he should be able to now accept NC--because you need a break. YOU need to regain your center. Do something fun with your friends; do something that will make you laugh.

YOU can’t fix him, he has to fix himself. I understand you want to help him, but don’t. Step back and concentrate on you. When you then have contact, see if he has indeed put in some real time in “fixing” himself. It’s very easy for him to say he wants to dig deep, look at himself, and change but that is NOT going to happen while he has his goal: you in his life. Even though you're not "dating," you are still more than a friend.

I just think, YOU need to be in control, not him. And, that’s what I see happening, the control slowly swinging back to him. You were wronged in the relationship due to his actions; I don’t see what’s wrong in asking for some growth marks from him. You have every right to set up the boundaries and parameters. I know you said he was confused, but he needs to own it. He needs to work his shit out, not you.

Is there an example from when you were together of when he put you first emotionally? You mention concert tickets, camping, etc. but is there a memory of him in the role of “being there” for you?

I get a master manipulator vibe from this guy (this is just my opinion, I could be totally wrong). It’s just he has played with your head not just your heart.

Yes, people make mistakes, and yes, forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but it’s so easy to say I’m sorry, just make sure there’s some weight to those words. Yes, people get confused and do stupid things. But, some people are takers and they drain you emotionally so much that there’s nothing left for yourself. Look at him coldly, what do you see?

If you step back and look at all that has happened, do you still see someone you want a future with? I mean, he’s different now. He now has more dents and scratches than that person you knew before. He made some dents and scratches in you. You’re different than before. Is he worth it?

After all that’s happened, do you still want to be in his arms? Is he still the one that you would want to call first if something important happened--good or bad?

Do you like him? You may still have feelings of love, but do you really like him right now? Do you respect him?

I guess, those are the questions I would be asking myself right now. And, I don't mean for these to be questions that I'm expecting answers from you, it's more like I thought you might find one of them helpful in your thinking about stuff. Take care of yourself. I hope for the best for you.

[calisurfjump]

Thanks Azulai (you're pretty freaking wise for only 20) and everyone whos taken the time to read this post and previous one. It's been a tough two months and last couple of days seems like everything just came together and flew apart at the same time.

I spoke to him last night and said that I need a few weeks of NC to fully digest everything that's happened. He didn't take it too well. He thought he was loosing me and I would never talk to him again. That's not the case. I just need to figure myself out, heal, and find my center. I don't know how long it will take me and I don't know what the outcome will be. I could just walk away, just stay as friends or give him another chance. One things for certain and that is I don't have the slightest freaking clue.

Do I like him? Do I want to be in his arms again? Can I trust him, lean on him in times of need, call him when something good or bad happens? Everythings up in the air. I feel like my life is like the structure of an ee cumings poem. It's like a free verse, no structure, no concern for ryhm or meter. It works in poetry but not in life. It's gonna take time and in the end I need to figure myself out and he needs to get his life together. Who the hell knows what the future holds. Thanks again.