I need some advice. I recently "broke up" with this straight guy. We work together. I'm not going to get into too many details of what happened, but what you need to know is that I told him my feelings he said he was cool with it but then things got weird. We kept going back and forth between being friends and then not talking.
Finally everything seemed okay, but something happened outside of us that caused him to get annoyed with me. Because of that I had asked our Shift Lead to not schedule us together for a week, just to cool off. That Lead then ran and told my ex, who then turned around and completely flipped out on me. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and not to talk to him again. He said his problem with me is that I'm gay.
Fast forward to today (he was like this two days later actually). He won't leave me alone. Basically what I get from what he's doing is that he's sorry for what the did and wants me to come back. I've gone out of the way to make it clear I want nothing to do with him. There are days he seems to get it and I think I can move on, then he does some weird thing and it blows my mind.
I can't go back because I AM Gay and there's nothing I can do about it. It seems like he wants to sweep it under the rug and for everything to just go back, like nothing happened.
I feel like any day now I'm going to "flip out" on him and tell him to leave me alone, that there is no point in doing what he is doing. Should I just go out of the way to tell him or keep trying to ignore him? I feel telling him would finish it and make him understand, but maybe I just need to not waste anymore energy on it?
I just wish he'd stop.
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hi schoochboy welcome to gs
i say give him one more chance and if he does something stupid then dont do anything with him
or like you said just tell him to back off because your gay.
p.s i tried
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So to get this straight, you were previously friends with this guy. He is homophobic and so when you told him you had feelings for him, he flipped and didn't wan't anything to do with you. When you asked for a different shift, he freaked out again because you were leaving him, but now he wants you to come back to your regular shift and just be friends?
I may be the only one confused here, but thats how I read it. If thats the case, I think you should just try and be friends with the guy. Forgive him and forget your feelings. It sucks, but thats probably the nice thing to do, if not the professional as well.
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We were really close friends, but I started to like him (he thought I was straight). So I told him my feelings and he said nothing would change, but it did. It got weird. We stopped talking about three times because of stuff I did (I'm the one who freaked out, it got weird/ he said weird things I couldn't handle), but then after all that I felt like we were finally cool and nothing else would happen (we talked it out). I realized how lucky I was that he took me back. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize it.
Then the event between the other person and I occurred and he got really cold toward me because of it. I asked for a week where we didn't work together, but I explained its cause felt that I was bugging him and we needed time away from each other. I don't know what the lead said exactly, but my 'ex' made it sound like I said didn't want work with him for a week because I was trying to hurt him (like before....). That was when he flipped out (I had used my 'last chance') and cussed me out saying that me "being gay" bothered him. I don't think he meant it, but said it out of anger. Though at the same time how can I just be okay he said that when it is who I am?
I feel if I go back, it'll go back to the way it was. I felt like I was constantly on thin ice and had to be very careful what I said. We used to joke around in a "gay" way, but right after I came out, he stopped. When I tried to act normal, he would shut me down. Then later he'd joke around like that. It was not really cool, cause I never knew what to expect when we saw each other.
The whole thing is pretty complicated. I never knew him to be a homophobe. I think he was just trying to hurt my feelings and it worked. Its just the fact that he made that statement, its bigger then anything that has happened before between us.
I can fully explain the whole thing, but it'll be long......
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I'm a bit confused and having a hard time sorting this out. You say you broke up with a straight guy which would lead me to believe that he is not striaght to begin with, along with the fact that you say he flipped out when he heard that you wanted to work on a different shift. The 2 day later he's asking you back. Now if thats the gist of it, then you 2 need to sit down and talk about the whole thing because if i'm readingright sound like he is confused about his feelings and or his sexuality as well. It sounds like you both like each other but he is not ready for the next step.
So talk to him over a cup a coffee or tea and sort things out, ask him what he is feeling.
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I think some of the wording used has confused some other members, if I follow, it wasn't "breaking up" in a romantic sense but in an "ending a friendship" way.
I'm sorry that he ended up hurting you. Do you think he'd be okay with you being more open around him despite his trying to hurt you, or do you think he wants you to never bring it up? On the one hand, you make it sound like he'd been patient with you as you ended up getting uncomfortable a few times. Maybe you owe it to him to give him a second chance. Maybe that you asked for a different shift rather than talk things out with him first made him feel like you didn't value his friendship and he was just angry but not really a homophobe.
On the other hand, if you aren't going to be able to be yourself around him, I can see why you would no longer want that type of friendship. It's so much easier with friends that do accept you and that you can talk about crushes you have, etc. Unfortunately we aren't in a world where friendships necessarily continue as they did when someone comes out, though it'd be nice if we did.
I'm not so sure I'd give up on this friendship quite yet from what you said, though I would proceed with caution and maybe let your friend know how much his words hurt and that it may take a little time to forgive him.
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Here we go, fully explained:
We've known each other for like two years. We'd been just cool at first and then became friends. Last year we got really close. I don't usually trust people and I keep my guard up, but with him I let myself go. We got really really close and I started to like him when I shouldn't have, he's straight. So much was changing in me because of him. I did things I never thought I would have, but it was what he wanted me to. I kind of blindly followed him. I told him that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. We talked about everything, things we never told other people. There was no judgment, we supported each other. We talked to each other every day, either at work or texting, at all hours. We'd hang, play ps3. We were best friends.
Our relationship at that point was so weird though, it was like we were dating basically. Everything he did had to be with me, I was the first choice out of all his friends. I stated to feel guilty for my feelings toward him and that he thought I was straight. So I had to tell him the truth. So I did and he seemed cool at first (said nothing was going to change, we'd still do all the same things, still be close), but then things started to change and get weird.
We used to joke around with each other a lot in a "gay way", but when I tried to just act like we normally did, he didn't like me saying stuff like that. I guess I understand. Then after that when he'd talk to me it seemed really business like. I waited to see if he was going to get over it, but he just didn't. It didn't help that even though I was trying to act like we normally did, I felt like I had to tip toe around him and make sure not to say anything too gay.
So I thought it'd be better to just not bother being friends, if it was going to be weird. I explained that to him and he said he was cool with it. We agreed to be professional, just cool with each other like before we got close. I was relieved, I didn't want to think about it anymore. The next day we worked together and I thought it'd be cool, but I was wrong. He was acting like nothing had happened the day before, talking about things that were only cool while we were close. It kinda weirded me out. Since I felt weird about it, I started to avoid him other then what we had to do for work.
He would go out of the way to try to talk to me about random stuff. I would often find him just staring at me. This went on for a week before I finally caved in. I didn't think I could handle him doing this forever. I just explained what I thought about his treatment to me and that if he couldn't handle me having a crush on him, then he shouldn't force himself to be cool with me. He said there wasn't a problem and that if I felt like that we just needed to talk it out. I agreed.
It didn't take long for it to get all weird up again. After that he seemed to go out of the way to joke around like we did or talk about gay sex or just sex in general, to prove he was comfortable with me, but then on other days come across uncomfortable. I also started to notice that he had these expectations of me. I wasn't allowed to do anything before I said hello to him. I wasn't allowed to be in a bad mood. I wasn't allowed to be away from him for more then thirty minutes without being questioned about where I was and what I had be doing (Um, working?). If he was in a bad mood I had to just deal with it and I wasn't allowed to want to not be around him, though I was more understanding of him in his bad moods. I also started to feel objectified and he made the comment about me being 'a woman'. It was getting overwhelming.
I acted childish unfortunately. I figured if I made it so he didn't like me as a friend he'd just think 'forget it, this guys an a hole, why am I wasting my time?'. (Please don't judge, like I said I did things I never thought I would.) So I hit him hard. As he came in to work, I put the piece (pipe) he gave me on the desk and he just stared at it. I told him that I didn't want it anymore, it was a waste of my time. He didn't speak, so I just left. He didn't talk to me for days. I had won, I guess.
I did feel awful, but it was for the best it was getting too awkward. Then the staring started again. It was obsessive. I caved again.
We talked and he kept asking why I gave the piece back (smoking is a big part of his life). I didn't really fully explain, I just said that I was being a bitch and trying to piss him off. I said I was sorry and that I didn't really mean it. I reminded him that I was never going to smoke by myself and that the only way I would was if I was with him. I told him my life was empty with out him in it and he said he thought it'd be hard without us being around each other. (So embarrassing) I told him I love him. He asked why and I said it was because he always knew exactly what to say to make everything better and was so cool and willing to take me back. I couldn't read his reaction, it wasn't good or bad. We were ok though.
Then it went right back to how it was, the expectations and objectifying. It was like 'I took you back, you're lucky I even did'. He would be cold. At the same time, there'd be days when he would act like nothing was wrong. I was confused.
So I just stopped talking to him, but it didn't last very long (like three days). We had another big conversation. He said that I was running out of chances and that he'd eventually not want to be my friend any more. He asked me not to do this any more since I mean a lot to him and that he really likes me (repeated three times, which means he really means it!!).
So, I was really ready to stop and just be friends. It was going really good. He really seemed to get over me "coming out" and we were starting to get close again. We'd even joke about the stuff from before. I kinda called him out about the staring and the little sad look he'd get on his face. He just laughed. He started to ask me questions about gay porn and how he 'hadn't seen one yet' and other questions. I'm not gonna lie, I got excited. Everything was going so good. We made plans for him to come over so I could try his new 'mess you up even harder' piece and watch 'our' favorite movies.
It all went to crap and it wasn't my fault this time, not really.
Something happened between me and another person we work with. That person is his friend. It was this whole thing that I was meant to have said about our co-worker, that I in fact had never said about him. (There is this whole thing going on at my work about people being 'over paid' and the management trying to do anything to get rid of people, through any means. Its not my fault I got raises and the pay rate I do!)
I don't know what happened, but he was definitely being very cold toward me and totally indifferent. It was a very hard time because I felt everyone was against me for something I didn't do (I definitely don't trust the management anymore!). I was told, by my 'ex', that he defended me and that I had better apologize to our co-worker. The situation was blowing up (work wise) and I explained myself to my co-worker.
We were still not doing too good after that. I tried asking if he was mad at me. but he just yelled "why would I be?!!" and I was too scared to say anything else.
Then began the worst week in my life. First I got verbally abused by my stepfather and it had been years. I thought we were okay, but there it was. He used to beat me and stuff so it really took me back and fucked me up. At work we got a new manager who is a total psychopath. No one likes him. My boy and I were working together and I was going to explain what my 'dad' did, but instead got to move the contents of storage closets from one closet to another, all while that manager would be breathing down our necks asking us 'how we were doing', like a total dick.
I walked up to him and cried out his name. I was on the verge of tears because of everything happening. We stared into each others eyes, he looked totally indifferent and just turned away from me, then walked away. When I saw him again a couple of days later, he wouldn't look at me and was being very indifferent toward me. I was trying so hard to just look past it, but our talk was very business like and after it was done I even said 'it was a pleasure doing business with you'. He then told me to go with him and when we got around our other co-workers he went back to normal. It put me off. I just left after that.
The next day I asked the manager who does the schedule to make sure that we didn't work together for a week. I explained that it wasn't a big deal, that we were getting on each others nerves and just needed a bit of a break from each other. 'That people can't hang with each other every day or they drive each other crazy, ya know?'. The manager said "Okay."
I worked with him one more time that week. I was doing my thing and I noticed the sound of keys. He had snuck into the office. So I went in and sitting on the desk was this game I gave him. My heart sank out of by body. I was going to just throw it away, but I waited to see what was up. He was acting like nothing was wrong so I followed suit, until he said 'so you found the game, right?' which I said I did. He said 'Oh, well, I guess I'm finally giving it back. Sorry it took so long.' I just said 'oh, yeah. its cool'. I couldn't believe it.
He went on his break and I followed him saying we need to talk. I asked if him giving the game back was his way of 'breaking up' with me? He said "What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?" I said I was kidding, he said I wasn't 'fucking funny'. I asked if I could explain myself. He said 'Explain yourself? EXPLAIN YOURSELF? What the fuck? Seriously I can't do this right now. Fuck This!' and ran out of the room. I just stood there.
I tried to do my job, but it was really hard to concentrate. When ever I would go around him, he would go out of the way to ignore me or stay away from him. I guess I understood, though. I had to.
Then when my shift was over he was waiting for me to leave and just staring at me. I didn't really understand, but what ever. As I walked out the door he came up behind me and said 'I have to talk to you'.
He asked me to explain myself. So I told him that I felt he was mad at me (I should have said I felt he was being cold and indifferent, oh well.) and that I didn't understand. He said 'You just thought I was mad, you always assume'. I said that I was sorry about what had happened between the co-worker and I.
He then said 'Well, you say weird things at work. You're really weird. I mean, what the FUCK? You say you don't want to fucking see me or work with me for a week? WHAT THE FUCK? What am I supposed to think'.' I explained that people need time away from each other some times, I was too scared to really explain myself at that point. I was crying. 'You needed time away? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?' He then got in my face. 'You're so Fucking weird, so fucking crazy! I mean you stop talking to me and then you give me back the piece, WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THAT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Then you came out as fucking gay and I mean what the FUCK? I mean, you're fucking gay! You didn't even care when I gave the game back, I mean WHAT THE FUCK? You're so fucking crazy! Why didn't you care, what was up with that?' I just said it didn't matter since we weren't friends anymore. "Yeah you're right, you're fucking right! I don't want you to be near me ever again or have anything to do with me'.
He stormed back inside. I was/am totally destroyed. I guess that manager had told him what I said.
Well, the next schedule I wasn't supposed to see him so I felt ok. Except that the very next time I worked, he was there. I'm actually really afraid of him right now. (I thought he might hit me, with how angry he got.) He walked up to me and acted like nothing had happened. He told me to call him if I needed help, while working. I was so scared all I could do was nod my head. I was shaking so horribly. He sounded depressed the rest of the night. It was a totally crazy.
Since then its been the usual. He seems obsessed with me and takes every opportunity to stare at me. I try to avoid him, but if there is someone I need or want to talk to and he's there, I'll still do it, but he listens to my every word and tries to get in my conversation.
When ever we work together its so hard because I'm so scared and uncomfortable. He seems to be sorry. Though, all I can keep thinking is that he said he didn't like me because of being gay. It was my worst fears confirmed. I did bother him and probably said things that bothered him.
There would be times that it seemed like he finally got it, but then try to talk to me again or do some weird thing.
He's gotten close to other people that we work with and it makes it hard since I'm friends with them too.
He keeps going out of the way to do things that I would notice, for what ever reason. He's had them draw pictures of him and put them on the wall. It can't escape him.
He's getting reckless, he 'smokes' at work and seems to be spinning out of control. He always sounds so depressed when he have to talk for work.
The other day, I decided that I can't really stand being in the office, with all the reminders of him in there. I wasn't expecting him to come up to where I was and when he did and saw that I wasn't in there he seemed to get really upset. When we talked (because of work) he sounded on the verge of tears.
I've been on the fence about talking to him. I want to explain everything, ending it with 'but we still can't be cool'. We just can't, I'm 'gay and weird' and all and its something that I can't change or anything. I don't want to be some weird caricature of myself for him either.
I don't know what to do. He seems like he gets it, but who knows how long it will last. I'm so confused. I love him so much, but he destroyed me completely. I just want it to be over.
I don't know what to do.
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RUN! He is "training" you to act and react to him. Maybe he had this example from his parents and it is his role model for relationships.
The way you are describing him he almost sounds a bit like your stepfather...have you ever considered that?
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ScoochBoy Wrote:I need some advice. I recently "broke up" with this straight guy. We work together. I'm not going to get into too many details of what happened, but what you need to know is that I told him my feelings he said he was cool with it but then things got weird. We kept going back and forth between being friends and then not talking.
Finally everything seemed okay, but something happened outside of us that caused him to get annoyed with me. Because of that I had asked our Shift Lead to not schedule us together for a week, just to cool off. That Lead then ran and told my ex, who then turned around and completely flipped out on me. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and not to talk to him again. He said his problem with me is that I'm gay.
Fast forward to today (he was like this two days later actually). He won't leave me alone. Basically what I get from what he's doing is that he's sorry for what the did and wants me to come back. I've gone out of the way to make it clear I want nothing to do with him. There are days he seems to get it and I think I can move on, then he does some weird thing and it blows my mind.
I can't go back because I AM Gay and there's nothing I can do about it. It seems like he wants to sweep it under the rug and for everything to just go back, like nothing happened.
I feel like any day now I'm going to "flip out" on him and tell him to leave me alone, that there is no point in doing what he is doing. Should I just go out of the way to tell him or keep trying to ignore him? I feel telling him would finish it and make him understand, but maybe I just need to not waste anymore energy on it?
I just wish he'd stop.
Hello there,
Welcome to gaysp[eak and secondly My advice would be to just ignore what his said and dont flip out.. If you flip out your being as bad as him allow things to sort of cool down as you dont need them anymore heated  Eventually it will all iron itself out and become easier to deal with
Kindest regards
zeon
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I dunno... to me all this sound or he is really in love with you... and i never believe that people are str8 100% or you are mistaken about something like staring and things like that which are easily confused so you get a complitely wrong message and he is just caring about you as a best friend...
I think you just have to talk to him once more... Tell him exactly what you told us here... Or better just send your last post to him and he will see exactly his part to this story...
Hope things will be better...
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