Made bad mistake...really need some advice

[princealbertofb]

I'm thinking the random guy is probably a little upset that you didn't acknowledge him but maybe not.

It does sound as if your relationship needs working on. Either your partner is no longer into sex, or was never very sexual in the first place, ... or ... he's getting it on the side and has not been honest with you about it... also a possibility. In any case, it sounds as if you need to talk and see if things can be mended and are worth patching up, or if you'd both be better off on your own.

I know being on your own is scary but you're in a pretty sad state at the moment with having to take anti-depressants and all that. Why are you taking the anti-depressants in the first place? Have these anti-depressants been affecting your relationship as they might (sexually speaking?).

Does your partner have health issues that he's not been telling you about? He's older, you said. His way of not wanting sex with you may hide some deeper feelings of inadequacy in him. After all, it is difficult to perform when you can't get aroused, even though there's plenty of other stuff that you two could be doing to call it intimacy.

I am worried for you that he no longer wants or never really wanted that intimacy. So maybe it is time for a breakup, but at least try to understand why this is happening, so you don't have to blame yourself for it all going awry. What happened with the random guy, happened. Ok, too bad, but your sorry it did and it happened for a reason and in a state which is not your normal state.

A question, though: have you considered that maybe it's your drinking problem that has started some of this, whether it was started by his non caring or not, it may be that he feels he can't tell you he doesn't like it. I don't know if your partner drinks too but maybe your drinking is getting out of hand and he doesn't know how to tell you that you need help in that department. Just a hunch.

You two definitely need to clear things and see where that leads you.

You might like to draw up a list of things that you used to do together and that you used to enjoy and what the situation is in that department now. You may also need to draw up a list of behaviour that has started happening (whether reasonable or not) over the past two years (which is the period over which you two have not had proper intimacy). Just state the facts, don't try to find where the blame is. Counselling might be a good idea if this relationship is salvageable.
Good luck with it all.
PA

[mohohesh]

if your partner is understanding, there will be a bit of an issue at first, but after two weeks you'll be fine. be open about it, get some alcohol counselling, and forgive yourself - happens to the best of us.

[posterpicture]

I can see 2 different issues here.

1.
Regardless how your partner is and your relationship with him, you should tell him what you did. He has the right to know and he should know from you not from the grape vine. Believe me, gay community has thin wall. And trust is the foundation of relationship no matter what.

2.
I don't say that there is nothing wrong with you in your relationship since I don't know your whole situation. But to be honest, it doesn't matter if your partner wants to have sex with you or not, being intimate is a need in relationship. My parents are in there mid 60s. I am sure that they don't have sex anymore but they do cuddle still even in a nap. I think your relationship is lacking communication and intimacy at the same time. You should fight for it or leave it.

[yrao]

Well, I think it is a good chance for you to talk to your partner all you said here. If he is understanding and still loves you, he will forgive you as he has also contributed to this. If he won't, leave him. It is a waste of your life to live in such a miserable relationship. I deeply suspect that your partner is still in love with you, he is afraid of being alone and needs someone to keep him accompanied. I am not saying he doesn't care about you, but it is not the love you are craving for.

[worknlife]

I have to also agree with azulai. You said he is older than you. I have dated men that are older then me and I actually prefer it. But, we are only human and these things happen. He was not giving it to you for one reason or another and once again you are human, you have needs. 2 years is a very long time to sleep next to someone and not touch. This also brings up another question…….if he wasn’t getting it from you where was he getting it from? Does he have E.D. if not I would ask “who are they and how long has it been going on” (but I am very straight forward and slightly verbally aggressive)
And as for saying that you were to “heavy’ and he was not attracted to you was utterly disrespectful, and arrogant. My parents have been married 34 years and in that time my mother had gained weight she has since lost the weight due to medical concerns. My father never once said anything like that and also told my mother that ’he loved her regardless of her size’.
I also understand that some people have more dominating personalities and it can be very hard to properly communicate with them without feeling like a 5 year old (my brother is like that, but he has worked on it). You will have to stand your ground. You were your own person before them, there is nothing wrong with still being your own person. A relation ship is about sharing your life not totally giving yours over to another person.
Back to the one nightstand. If I wanted to stay in the relationship I would not tell him I had a one nightstand. Sometimes we think that confessing is the right thing to do, but we truly only confess to make ourselves feel better (75% of the time true). I would tell my best friend and talk it over with them because one of the best cures is talking. Talking lifts burdens and helps clear your emotions and helps you solve problems.
Don’t be afraid to be alone. Sometime being alone helps us clear our minds and also helps us find ourselves again.
Sorry if my reply is a bit aggressive but sometimes your partner can drive you to doing something’s that are out of character. I hope everything works out for you.