Survivors Guilt

[East]

I don't think I have ever asked anyone for advice here as the things I usually need advice about hardly ever have anything to do with my sexuality but I had something happen AGAIN and I don't know what to do about it. My doctor wants to put me on depression meds and I do not want to take them if I can avoid them but I have never been successful at working this out and I am hoping I could get some insight. This problem affects me physically and emotionally and I end up in a state of depression.

A few days ago I got my HIV test back and I am negative once again but here is the thing. I cried on and off all the way home...cried on and off all night...cried about it on and off a week before I went back after my physical and this kicks my ass every time and I don't know what to do about it. I am not crying because I am happy or sad...I am crying because of the stress and the guilt that is going on 30 years now. I had such a calm feeling before I went in and I kept thinking to myself this is the day they are going to tell me I have it and I was totally at peace with it.

Before my therapist died she got me in touch with Survivors Guilt and I definitely have a huge case of it. I have had a never ending sensation of being in a line up where everyone is getting shot one at a time and I am the last one standing waiting for the bullet and I am so tired of standing there I just want them to hurry up and shoot me. I will rarely admit this as I do not want anyone following in my footsteps but I have never used a condom...ever....and I have had alot of sex. It started out with me having an attitude when I realized everyone who went to the doctor as a gay man came back with it initially......I was pissed and I was trying to support my theory at the time that it isn't sex that causes AIDS it is the damn pills they give you...and I got my tests as a straight man which is easy for me to pull off. I realize though that I find myself the week before I get my results...this time I waited three months...preparing myself for the disease to be there and it never is. Same with my lover. ***PLEASE do not follow my example about unprotected sex as I am not advocating it in any way...I only shared this as I felt it is important to illustrate my state of mind***

I don't know what to do about the Survivors Guilt and I don't know who to ask anymore. Has anyone experienced this on any level or do you have any advice on how to overcome it? Maybe you might see something I cannot see myself?

[fredv3b]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I am afraid I can offer no particular advice regarding survivor guilt. I do have a couple of thoughts/questions.

My doctor wants to put me on depression meds and I do not want to take them if I can avoid them

Why? I know it may sound a silly question but why are you so keen to avoid pills?

I will rarely admit this as I do not want anyone following in my footsteps but I have never used a condom...ever....and I have had alot of sex.

Ever thought about changing your habits?

[Jfierce]

Do you only have survivors guilt for HIV? What about heart disease or cancer? Are you trying to get HIV? If you were to get HIV would you then go on medication? If you went on medication would you still have survivors guilt?

Do you get where my questions are going?

[fenris]

I think you should tell yourself that there is no guilt- there can´t be any kind of guilt..... you have done all important things to protect yourself .... so what you did was right.
We "older" man.... or better: all people who know times without Aids have the problem that we have to learn this kind of protection in a special way.... with fear... with the knowledge that there wasn´t any kind of help in the first years.... today people learn how to protect them self in school and it is a more or less normal thing for them.
Tell yourself that you have done all things right.... and with your knowledge you have prevented people from Aids and saved your friends.. or strange people before Aids : So you have no reason to feel guilty... you have a reason to feel proud for help and dissemination of knowledge about Aids.... feel proud and happy... no need for bad and guilty mile:

[East]

Thanks guys...I actually feel better already just from having typed it out....

This is a snippet on wikipedia about the guilt..

Survivor syndromeSurvivor syndrome, also called concentration camp syndrome, or called KZ syndrome on account of the German term Konzentrationslager,[3] are terms which have been used to describe the reactions and behaviors of people who have survived massive and adverse events, such as the Holocaust in Europe, the Rape of Nanking, and the HIV/AIDS epidemic.[4] They are described as having a pattern of characteristic symptoms including anxiety and depression, social withdrawal, sleep disturbance and nightmares, physical complaints and emotional lability with loss of drive.[5] Commonly such survivors feel guilty that they have survived the trauma and others—such as their family, friends, and colleagues—did not.

Both conditions, along with other descriptive syndromes covering a range of traumatic events are now subsumed under posttraumatic stress disorder.[6]

[edit] Social responses This section requires expansion.

Sufferers may with time divert their guilt into helping others deal with traumatic situations. They may describe or regard their own survival as insignificant. Survivors who feel guilty sometimes suffer self-blame and clinical depression.[citation needed]

[edit] TreatmentEarly disaster response and grief therapy methods both attempt to prevent survivor guilt from arising. Where it is already present, therapists attempt to recognize the guilt and understand the reasons for its development. Next, a therapist may present a sufferer with alternative, hopeful views on the situation. The emotional damage and trauma is then recognized, released and treated. With growing self-confidence the survivor's guilt may be relieved, and the survivor may come to understand that the traumatic event was the result of misfortune, not of the survivor's actions. Once able to view himself or herself as a sufferer, not one who caused suffering, the survivor can mourn and continue with life.

[East]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I am afraid I can offer no particular advice regarding survivor guilt. I do have a couple of thoughts/questions.

Why? I know it may sound a silly question but why are you so keen to avoid pills?

Ever thought about changing your habits?

Thanks Fred...I think of advice as anything that can spur me into thinking differently and that includes comments and questions so thank you. I think I am keen to avoid pills because of my father having cancer when he was 29 and he was part of a program from Stanford that advocated only natural non processed foods to combat the cancer.....he beat it with no chemo or pills by changing his diet. I do, however, take pills that are necessary but I am not sure that all of the pills that they commonly prescribe people actually benefit us.

Changing my habits? Hmmm...sorta. I don't really have sex with multiple partners anymore but if I did I might consider it....It is complicated....

[SlipknotRlZZ]

East,



I am extremely happy that you are here with us instead of suffering from later stages of AIDS. I think that you should feel awfully lucky and be thankful you don't have it.
AIDS is something that everyone is trying not to get and whoever does...God should be blamed.

Please, try to see that you shouldn't feel guilty. Try to be glad that you are here with all of us, to help us overcome allsorts of problems we stumble upon on the way, your advice is always extremely helpful. Be glad that you are here to have a happy life with your partner and to make him happy too.

Also, death is viewed once again as a bad thing. Why? I like to believe that for some people it's much better on the other side. :]

[fredv3b]

I do, however, take pills that are necessary but I am not sure that all of the pills that they commonly prescribe people actually benefit us.

If they don't work you could stop taking them.

Changing my habits? Hmmm...sorta. I don't really have sex with multiple partners anymore but if I did I might consider it....It is complicated....

Why bother getting an HIV test then?

[East]

Do you only have survivors guilt for HIV? What about heart disease or cancer? Are you trying to get HIV? If you were to get HIV would you then go on medication? If you went on medication would you still have survivors guilt?

Do you get where my questions are going?

Good questions.....I do think I was trying to die for a long time anyway just because I was tired of waiting for it to happen to me but deep down I didn't want to die...I just felt that way and didn't know how to overcome it.

It is different with heart disease and cancer as it is not a specific disease that is targeting every one of my friends. I actually lost pretty much all of my friends and acquaintances that were gay...I watched them all die one by one in a short period of time.

As for HIV and medication...I probably would not go on it. I dont' trust the medication. I have always felt like AIDS is a big experiment and I realize I could be wrong but I have every reason to believe otherwise.

[East]

I think you should tell yourself that there is no guilt- there can´t be any kind of guilt..... you have done all important things to protect yourself .... so what you did was right.
We "older" man.... or better: all people who know times without Aids have the problem that we have to learn this kind of protection in a special way.... with fear... with the knowledge that there wasn´t any kind of help in the first years.... today people learn how to protect them self in school and it is a more or less normal thing for them.
Tell yourself that you have done all things right.... and with your knowledge you have prevented people from Aids and saved your friends.. or strange people before Aids : So you have no reason to feel guilty... you have a reason to feel proud for help and dissemination of knowledge about Aids.... feel proud and happy... no need for bad and guilty mile:

Thank you fenris...I really WANT to tell myself there is no guilt but I think the way I handled it at the time might have done alot of damage to me..