Survivors Guilt

[fenris]

Thank you fenris...I really WANT to tell myself there is no guilt but I think the way I handled it at the time might have done alot of damage to me..

hm ..If your decisions at the time as you made them were right for you ( and only for you ) they are Ok, even if they have proven over time as an mistake. If people should make no mistake, there were no eraser factorys... mile: but I know from my own experiences, the hardest thing is to forgive yourself....

[East]

WOW! Thanks all of you guys because honestly I did not think I would get anything useful and instead it is the opposite...I actually feel like I might be able to feel hopeful about it.

You know...I always felt horribly guilty for even feeling anything for myself when I watched all of these other people suffer so much....how can I complain about anything after what they went through? I felt like a whiny snot nosed idiot for even daring to have any feelings other than being strong for them and I think this has taken a much deeper toll than I ever realized.
I want to be grateful and thankful but I feel so damn guilty....I always thought maybe if I would go to see the quilt I could get past this but I cant'[get in the damn door and I am afraid I will break down inside instead of outside where no one can see me. Again...I think I am not entitled to any grief I feel as though having any grief is being selfish. Damn...I feel so f*cked up about this but I am hoping if I allow myself to feel f*cked up I will be able to get past it finally.

[princealbertofb]

I think you need to see the quilt... and I think it may even empower you to remember those names you've lost... You'll be able to see them again, and remember them physically again. You shouldn't be afraid to break down. Go with some friends, go with your partner (can he stomach it?), people who will understand what you've gone through... I think you are coming to a period when the mourning has got to come to a sort of end... the reconstruction needs to start. You owe it to yourself.

[Genersis]

Well i'll add my thoughts. Hope you don't mind East(Even if it is a little late).:redface:

It seems like you are being haunted by your memories.
You miss your friends, and i understand why you want to remember them all.

You have really experienced too much tragedy. More than anyone should have to go through.
It seems You've spent so long thinking you could be next that its stuck in your mind, you always feel your turn is just around the corner. Your sadness that has manifested as guilt Makes you yearn for it to be over. You feel guilt over what was shear luck, that you survived. Your guilt makes you feel you shouldn't of survived, when really, deep down you wish you all had.

You need to target this sadness. Its ok to be sad about what happened. But it seems to be a constant feeling of sadness, even if its just in the back of your head. You really need to overcome it, as it seems to be controlling how you view your life to an extent.

I'm not sure what the best method would be to overcome these feelings. But finding someone to share all this with would be a good start, someone who could provide help and support emotionally.

I Really hope you feel better soon East. :frown:
You're very important to us. As a giver of advice, as a person with a big personality, and most importantly, as a friend.

[jbrowder24]

I think it's very normal for people that have lost those close to them to feel guilt - be it a soldier losing friends while serving; a family member being the sole survivor of a car crash; or something like this. Is there any rhyme or reason to who survives? It's hard to say, but the best thing to do is to honor the others' memories by living life in their honor.

[East]

hm ..If your decisions at the time as you made them were right for you ( and only for you ) they are Ok, even if they have proven over time as an mistake. If people should make no mistake, there were no eraser factorys... mile: but I know from my own experiences, the hardest thing is to forgive yourself....

Forgiving myself is a very good reminder Fenris and something I have never considered...this whole thing has been a huge cloud for me where it is hard to think logically. I have an easy enough time forgiving other people but fogiving myself is always difficult.

As for beiong th right decision for me with my actions...

The mistake I made...and I knew I was making a mistake when i made it...came when I would see someone who was obviously suffering and I noticed people who did not want to face the illness just either avoiding them or pretending there was nothing wrong all around them and they looked so sad and scared and isolated so I decided that the best way I could help was to not pretend nothing was wrong...to roll up my sleeves and ask them if they were in pain...to let them know I wanted to hear their voice and what they said mattered still and that they were still a whole person.....as an empath I opened myself up to everything they were feeling and I cannot even begin to tell anyone the price I paid for that...the good part is that I knew the price ahead of time and I would do it again I think if the same thing happened.

The part where I was being true to myself was that I cannot stand to watch someone suffer if there is anything I can do to help them and that was the only thing I could think to do at the time so I am good with it. Of course...I couldn't do anything.

The gay friends I have now I keep at a distance...for a long time I didn't' want to make any other friends because I just can't face that again. On Facebook I had so many people who heard I was on there ask to be my friend and sure enough...lots of other people who I didn't' know were sick were there and telling me about what was happening and I freaked out and shut down my account...another thing I feel guilty about. I blame it on Farmville (Farmville MIGHT have been a reason had it not been for AIDS) but the real reason is that I just cannot face anymore of it and of course...makes me feel guilty and this time I really am. Intellectually I know I am not ACTUALLY guilty for anyone dying and I know I at least tried to help but running away from everyone on FB with no note...I am OK with feeling guilty about it. No way could I turn anyone down or tell them I didn't want to hear about it or visit with them but I just don't' have anything left anymore. I am tapped out. The problem actually is compounded a bit because as a bartender I knew thousands and thousands of guys and since I was gay from 14 on and hanging out with groups of other gay guys I knew ALOT of gay people...so I watched ALOT of people die.

[East]

I think you need to see the quilt... and I think it may even empower you to remember those names you've lost... You'll be able to see them again, and remember them physically again. You shouldn't be afraid to break down. Go with some friends, go with your partner (can he stomach it?), people who will understand what you've gone through... I think you are coming to a period when the mourning has got to come to a sort of end... the reconstruction needs to start. You owe it to yourself.

I have always felt that I needed to see it PA...I have tried to do it a few times now and I just lose it before I get to the door. I don't think I have ever really processed alot of it...how the heck do you really process thousands of young people dying all around you? I wish I didn't care about breaking down in front of anyone but I am so afraid of it. Maybe I need to just resolve myself despite all of my fears and bring it on. I am at the point where I am willing to do that...I will do anything or consider anything to get past this and avoid another depression.

[East]

Well i'll add my thoughts. Hope you don't mind East(Even if it is a little late).:redface:

It seems like you are being haunted by your memories.
You miss your friends, and i understand why you want to remember them all.

You have really experienced too much tragedy. More than anyone should have to go through.
It seems You've spent so long thinking you could be next that its stuck in your mind, you always feel your turn is just around the corner. Your sadness that has manifested as guilt Makes you yearn for it to be over. You feel guilt over what was shear luck, that you survived. Your guilt makes you feel you shouldn't of survived, when really, deep down you wish you all had.

You need to target this sadness. Its ok to be sad about what happened. But it seems to be a constant feeling of sadness, even if its just in the back of your head. You really need to overcome it, as it seems to be controlling how you view your life to an extent.

I'm not sure what the best method would be to overcome these feelings. But finding someone to share all this with would be a good start, someone who could provide help and support emotionally.

I Really hope you feel better soon East. :frown:
You're very important to us. As a giver of advice, as a person with a big personality, and most importantly, as a friend.

Thanks so much David...I appreciate that and I have to say I feel more hopeful already...I am starting to think maybe I can beat this. I actually had this one dear friend who was dying tell me some amazing stuff...things about my life journey and why I needed to stay around and why he needed to move on. I don't know if he was right or not but he made an impact on me.

[Jfierce]

One more thing...don't you think that each one of your friends would want you to honor their lives by living the best life that you can? Can you do some research and find out their names and maybe set up some sort of memorial and charity fund in their name. Maybe put their names and story in a time capsule or facebook wall or some way to memorialize them forever. If you could do something nice and personal for them maybe it could give you closure and show the world that there were these great people that had their lives cut short but had meaning while they were here.

[toomuch45]

hey east i am so sorry that you feel this way

but toomuch and the rest of the gang is here for you
you should be very happy that your living because sometimes i have suicidal thoughts thats just roaming through my mind but i try not to think about it because i tell myself things are gonna get better for me.

i am very grateful that i found friends like you on gs that are so kind to talk to and even though im a close minded person my feelings towards everyone on here is filled with love n peace.
i hope things will get better for you and maybe god had did it for a purpose for you to live.
its very good thaat you dont have aids and being depressed happens a lot because i get that a lot too but one things for sure you are a great person.

you will make it