05-02-2011, 08:11 PM
I don't think you would have created a false alternative life whre you feel happily straight and get aroused by women. As I said in my first post, you are most likely bi (possibly leaning towards women, but some attraction to men) or simply are going through a bi-curious stage.
I think it's very possible for people to find people of both genders attractive without their being a sexual element. I certainly find a few women beautiful, but I would not want to have sex with them. Sometimes sorting that all out is confusing. I know for me, when I was still in denial, I made a list of actors/actresses I found good looking. I'd never allowed myself to consider men in real life as I didn't really know any gays, so it was easier to do this with strangers. And at first, the list was somewhat equal... then a bit more leaning towards men. It was then when I saw an example of a masculine gay on TV (Danny Roberts from Real World New Orleans circa 2000) that I realized being gay didn't mean having to be a stereotype. After that, and as I explored further, I definitely found myself sexually turned on by men in a way I'd never really felt with women.
For me, it also helped to think about 1) private parts and 2) oral sex. I know it sounds silly, but you can insert into a man or woman... unless of course you feel a desire to try bottoming. But with 1) I find that breasts do nothing for me, but I like the idea of a mans chest... this one of course could be confused with am I attracted to that or do I just want a body like that, so you may be better off with 2). How does the thought of going down a woman compare to the thought of sucking a man make you feel? Does one sound more appealing? Are they equally appealing? Etc. If you aren't repulsed by the idea of either, perhaps there's some attraction that's been oppressed, but your text definitely indicates you like women.
There is one other option to explore and I hope this is not too scandalous for me to suggest, but perhaps you have other ideas? For example, there are straight or "heteroflexible" men who get into domination scenes including with another man dominating them... this is not as common or likely as simply being bi-curious, but I just want to throw it out there. Even if it's not that, it's an example that whatever you experienced with your meditation might be reflective of some other desire than sexuality.
I think it's very possible for people to find people of both genders attractive without their being a sexual element. I certainly find a few women beautiful, but I would not want to have sex with them. Sometimes sorting that all out is confusing. I know for me, when I was still in denial, I made a list of actors/actresses I found good looking. I'd never allowed myself to consider men in real life as I didn't really know any gays, so it was easier to do this with strangers. And at first, the list was somewhat equal... then a bit more leaning towards men. It was then when I saw an example of a masculine gay on TV (Danny Roberts from Real World New Orleans circa 2000) that I realized being gay didn't mean having to be a stereotype. After that, and as I explored further, I definitely found myself sexually turned on by men in a way I'd never really felt with women.
For me, it also helped to think about 1) private parts and 2) oral sex. I know it sounds silly, but you can insert into a man or woman... unless of course you feel a desire to try bottoming. But with 1) I find that breasts do nothing for me, but I like the idea of a mans chest... this one of course could be confused with am I attracted to that or do I just want a body like that, so you may be better off with 2). How does the thought of going down a woman compare to the thought of sucking a man make you feel? Does one sound more appealing? Are they equally appealing? Etc. If you aren't repulsed by the idea of either, perhaps there's some attraction that's been oppressed, but your text definitely indicates you like women.
There is one other option to explore and I hope this is not too scandalous for me to suggest, but perhaps you have other ideas? For example, there are straight or "heteroflexible" men who get into domination scenes including with another man dominating them... this is not as common or likely as simply being bi-curious, but I just want to throw it out there. Even if it's not that, it's an example that whatever you experienced with your meditation might be reflective of some other desire than sexuality.
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