I need advice!

[leslie]

I have a question, actually a predicament. I am a straight female who needs some advice. I have never known any gay men apart from work/acquaintances. I've never even really thought about them before last year. Of course, I'm all for their rights (I know how shallow that sounds)but honestly they have not ever entered my radar. Until last year. I have fallen completely in love with a gay man. I don't know what to do about this. We are in constant contact and he is my best friend and he reminds me constantly that I am his. I know this to be true. I would be lost without him in my life. He is absolutely perfect for me and I know I am for him too. The trouble is, I don't have the equipment, so to speak. There are more complications, but I need some advice! I'm going crazy! Is it possible to have a loving relationship? I just don't know if I can handle only a friendship but that is 100% the thing I don't want to lose! That would kill me! I do not mean to be trite or obvious, I just need some advice here!! I'm in no way the type to just give herself over to anyone; it takes a lot to make me feel any kind of attraction. I just need some advice here and maybe you can help me. Kindness please, my heart is on the line

[posterpicture]

Most of my close girl friends have crush on me.
Fact: gay guys are adorable to woman.
Fact: a best friend is better than a boy friend
Fact: it 's stupid to leave a friend because he doesn't love you the way you love him
Fact: Communication is the key of any relationship (including friendship).
If you have that issue then talk it out to him. If it 's just a crush then he will just tell you "stupid bitch, WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" And hug it out or 2 of you can head to the mall to find you a cute straight guy ( gay guys are extremely good at that ).

Myth: gay guy can be converted to straight.

[fenris]

Hi,

I think this situation is not easy.... and maybe the same situation a gay guy and a heterosexual guy have. I don´t think that a "normal heterosexual man/woman relationship" is possible. But my opinion is that a good friendship sometimes is better than a relationship.... a friendship is mostly lifelong ( if nothin bad happend and both respect the other ).
The worst thing what can happen is that your friend don´t feel secure because you try to have sex with him ( same situation between heterosexal and gay men - but heterosexual men mostly are much more sensitive because they have the fear maybe to be gay ) but to cuddle or something like that is mostly possible between straight women and gay men - except me because I hate to be touched from everyone, men and women ;-)
So what can I advice ? Try to be a friend, not a relationship-partner, if you feel that you need to talk with him about that, talk to him. Don´t be ( or better in this case - don´t show him ) that you are jealous if he has a gay friend. The first time for YOU will not be easy... because you want more.... but don´t try to have sex with him, I think thats the only thing what can destroy this friendship.

[Maelstrom]

I concur with everything that posterpicture has stated.

I had a similar experience in college where my friend thought that we were soul mates. She was so disappointed when I came out to her that she excused herself from the table. Later I learned that she had gone into the bathroom to cry. I tried to remain friends with her, but unfortunately, it did not end well. She was extremely religious and insisted on attempting to convert me.

Sometimes, one's feelings for another can be very strong, but the truth is that if the other person does not reciprocate those feelings, nothing can be done to make the other person love you in a way that he never will. Friendship can be just as beautiful as an intimate relationship, and throwing away a friendship over feelings that will never be returned only results in heartbreak.

There is never just one person for anyone, which is why people fall in love all the time. When you learn that someone is not right for you, rather than cling to something that will never work, spread those wings and take flight to search for a new love. It is always waiting out there somewhere for you.

[Sil]

wow, this really is tricky...

I think you have a good friend right now, and by the sounds of it he will remain that way I think it sounds like he is quite comfortable with himself and you love him for that, and you really want to share that with him.

I would want to be realistic and tell you not to get TOO excited, but presently people are re-writing a lot of the rules for relationships so having something that works for the pair of you might be possible. There's a famous bit in 'as good as it gets' where a straight woman and a gay man spend a night spooned up together without sex, and it's their best night for a long time.

I'd say talk it out with him and tell him how you feel... it seems like the blanket response but at least you will feel better with it off your chest, and it may bring you closer together x

[zeon]

I have often learnt in life with crushes... Having a friendship lasts alot longer than a relationship... If you try to make him into something you want him rather than what he wants to be he could end up rejecting you... Control yourself and speak with him about men it usually helps take mind off things

[Maverick]

Sounds like a typical "Will & Grace" scenario. No matter how much you want it to work, there would always be something missing in the relationship....

[marshlander]

I am sorry to read of your situation. Most of us have yearned for someone unsuitable at some time and recognise that sense of helplessness and sometimes hopelessness.

You have already received some fine words of wisdom in the above messages. A couple of things stood out for me in your original message. Firstly, I would hate to be put under pressure by anyone, particularly a woman, who wanted something out of a relationship I could never offer. I once thought I could and got married. It was not good (that's British understatement )

You joke that you don't have "the equipment". You will be aware that a relationship is about much more than what hangs (or not) between the legs. A fine set of equipment my man may have, but my love for him goes way deeper. A gay relationship is not just about having anal sex, as is the caricature portrayed by many straight people, but is something that reaches right into the heart of one's masculinity.

I would agree that a good friendship is of immeasurably more value than an half-hearted relationship. If you want the friendship to continue you are going to have to accept that at some point you will have to give each other space for other fulfilment.

In the meantime, I'm sorry to say, it will probably hurt.

[leslie]

I'm sorry not to reply sooner!! I'm not an active member of this site obviously so it escaped me until today. Your words are kind and thoughtful. But I must say that when I mentioned "equipment" I meant simply and broadly that I wasn't male, and that (please correct me if I'm wrong) gets to the heart of the matter, which is why I added so-to-speak!

I know what it means to love someone, and what it means to have your heart broken when you want something that you just can't have. But I also know that it's unhealthy to become a sort of emotional martyr, so friendship is where this relationship will begin and end. I mean, we are together constantly! We share everything! Without that in my life? Donzo! And for him too, as he constantly reminds me. I do confess I hate his gay crushes though, and scowl everytime he mentions them but haha he trusts me above all else.

Thank you! I know I have my best friend for life and that is worth its weight in gold!!

Leslie

[kmullican]

I didn't read what everyone else wrote...I wanted to be able to say what I think without being influenced. He's GAY. He's not going to love you the way you love him. Even if he tries to play straight for a while to be more accepted by family or freaking society, you will both end up hurt way worse than you are now in the end. He will not stop being gay. That's like saying stop being a woman or stop being black. It doesn't work that way. Does he know how you feel? If he doesn't, and you really don't want to lose him as a friend, then don't tell him. You are going to have to just try to get over this if you want to keep your friendship. And realize that is all it will ever be. If you can't deal with that, then maybe you will have to cut ties, at least for a while until you can move past your feelings of romantic love for him. Sorry, if I'm being too blunt, but that's they way it is.
-K