I feel so lost at times....my life (to the outsider's view seems to be perfect and normal)....makes me feel like a slave...I worry constantly if people like me...if im doing the right thing...if im good enough...hmmmm, maybe some back story first......
My background is hellascious...(like most peoples are)...I was abused and molested for a little over 14 years by my immediate family...(who i no longer speak to for reasons apparent)...and that, like it should, gave me some issues...I have borderline personality disorder...a disassociative disorder and im severely anorexic...(going from anywhere between 66 and 98 lbs)...I've been married, now divorced...I have three kids, and now a wonderful boyfriend who tries to be understanding about my disorders....but I also have this constant fear of not being good enough....(wow looking back I sound completely f*&ked up)...
This effects everything in my life...and I constantly fear I shall never get better...I've learned to deal with my own insanity...I was single for years and had no one but my crazy self to spend time with...so, ya get used to it...but there's so many things to be scaared of....like my bf for example...even though he's understanding it affects us at times....such as sex...there's so many things I constantly obsess about...am I big enough...is he enjoying it...do I last long enough for him...can I/do I ever truly please him....it upsets him that I get so very quiet after sex...I can't really look at him or talk to him after...cause I'm afraid of what a disappointment I am...he stays constantly irritated with me whenever I mention my weight...or talk about how fat I'm getting...I always want to know what he's thinking...and when he tells me, in my mind, I don't believe him...I feel that everyone around me just tolerates me...and often times I want to just disappear...
There's more, but this post is long enough already....so I guess I just wanna know...(disorders or not)...do any of you ever feel this way?? and, of course, any advice you guys wanna offer is completely appreciated...Later guys, thanks for listening...
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Hearing stories like yours makes me sorry, sad and angry. No one should ever have to suffer such betrayal by those who should be there to support them. No wonder there are so many things for you to think about when you are with your boyfriend.
I assume that you have tried the counselling route? Did that help at all? I would be surprised if you told us that "learning to deal with" your "own insanity" means that you have travelled this way alone without any professional assistance whatsoever?
You asked if anyone feels the same way. I have not had to work through anything like the stuff you mentioned, but yes, I worry about all kinds of things. PA is my anchor, but sometimes I worry that I am visiting my worries on him, although I do try not to. I am sure that it is wearing for him to have to deal with my concerns, but in all these years he has never complained. Just one of the reasons I feel so fortunate to have him in my life.
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yes i feel the exact way you do im very quiet because of a disorder i have and i have asburg syndrome
and if you dont know what that means it meant the unablilty to not communicate well plus you forget a lot of words. and i worry about being in a relationship as well because of my quietness and shyness.
most of the time when im on here i barley say what i think because half of the time i lose thought on what i was going to type in the first place which pisses me off even the sex thing worries me a bit too i barely look at people because im very afraid of most people.
i do feel lost like you and i understand what your going through.
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Hello Runs,
In life as people we always judge ourselves by other peoples standards... Why??? Because we want to be soemthing we are not... I used to go out with a guy in Inverness Scotland when i was 18 and he had major agrophobia (fear out going outside) and one day i said to him.... You are 17 years old and where do you want to be in ten years??? Still hiding away from the world... He explained a long glokenspiel of a story to me about why his got agrophobia and i said to him you need to break this vicious cycle... You need to show yourself what your living for... I helped him out and accepted it... I met him online by the way...
Now with regards to your anorexic.... Dont live for other people hunni... By the sounds of it your worrying about your weight but to be honest... You are unqiue in your own special way and its a way that your boyfriend loves you for... You dont need to be skinney as a rake... You should as pure advice try to accept in your heart that you have a demon tyou need to over come and to be honest... If i was in your shoes i would sit down and think right whats my ideal weight for someone of my height and age??? Now i only understand Stones... I am nearly 13 stone in weight but im not fat... l used to worry when i was younger about not being fancied and it affected everything about myself and then one day i got so pissed off with gays at times being so judgemental l thought fuck this im now going to live for myself and make myself happy... l will get out there and show poeople i am not bothered and if i make a complete prat of myself in the process sod it its only fun at the end of the day...
Your confidence sounds a little knocked and what you are doing is punishing yourself for no reason to do so.. Dont worry about whether your boyfriend enjoyed the sex or not just show him that when you have sex you do it with passion... Keep telling yourself you are beautiful... Mika sang a great song a while back... "Big girls you are beautiful" and he isnt wrong... Big people can be just as beautiful as those skinney counter parts and to be honest... Being bigger isnt a bad thing least you have something to cuddle and hold onto... You wouldnt get on a rollercoaster without holding on... Sex works the same way... Go grab yourself a bloody big burger full of calories and then go make sure you eat it and dont give up until you have eaten it all... Please dont think.. Oh im going to be fat because to be honest you wont... Eat sensibly when it comes to things like this... You got loads of weight to get shoved under ya belt and the good thing about having it... In the winter its natures way of keeping ya warm... People sometimes joke with me about being heavier than skiinner people and i reply simply by saying... I didnt put this amount of weight on and work on my sixed rolls only to loose it all... If your like me and 5ft 10 then aim to get yourself upto 12 1/2 stone and monitor it... Set out routine dinners and breakfasts and once a week there is no harm in that burger and chocolate cheesecake...
Now with regards to having sex with your boyfriend dont worry about what he thinks during it... Please him tease him and make him beg for bloody more... Dont worry about the size of your manhood because a wise man once said.... "Best things come in small packages" and his counter part said "Its not the size that matters... Its how you use it that counts". You need to put behind the troubles of the past... Moving on is difficult,... I suffered 12 years of regular beatings by an alcoholic step dad who was my fathers friend... Hence why i resent my father in life and disowned him.. Make sure you will be a better person than those who caused you so much hell as a child and my sympatheses do go to you...
After you have had a bit of sex with ya boyfriend grab hold of him and dont shy away... Wrap your arms round him and say... Well big boy... Ready for round two??? Oh fuck it here we go again... Then re arouse him... Not always possible but it can be done... Enjoy the moment and please please please dont let yourself waste away... Kill off some demons in your life and get that burger and cheese cake and if you dont want to eat it make yaself finish it... Dont let your demons dictate to you on your shoulder what you should and shouldnt do you tell em what your doing and theres no bloody compromise the only thing your have is when its all eaten and you can safely belch and say fuck me that was bloody lovely... Can i grab another??? Nows the time dear to turn around and shine....
Kindest regards and good luck u got our support here
zeon xxxx
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toomuch45 Wrote:yes i feel the exact way you do im very quiet because of a disorder i have and i have asburg syndrome
and if you dont know what that means it meant the unablilty to not communicate well plus you forget a lot of words. and i worry about being in a relationship as well because of my quietness and shyness.
most of the time when im on here i barley say what i think because half of the time i lose thought on what i was going to type in the first place which pisses me off even the sex thing worries me a bit too i barely look at people because im very afraid of most people.
i do feel lost like you and i understand what your going through.
With you i'd say if ya got something you wanna say post it quickly before the moment passes or write it down... l forget alot but thats because im a blonde mentally... l have posted some right crap on here and will continue to without being judged its great 
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zeon Wrote:With you i'd say if ya got something you wanna say post it quickly before the moment passes or write it down... l forget alot but thats because im a blonde mentally... l have posted some right crap on here and will continue to without being judged its great thank you zeon
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yeah, I've done the therapy thing....it helps sometimes and sometimes it doesn't...I feel like a ghost most of the time....I just wish I could find a way to be happy....to love myself...to love others...and to not worry about things as much as I do...my mind is a hellascious place most of the time....I dont have many friends....I stay inside 98 percent of the time, unless im smoking, and i rarely ever leave my house at all....just seems like i'm wasting my life mostof the time
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I certainly share some of the insecurities and it can definitely be a challenge at times, though mine is not as severe nor is my background. I think one important thing to remember is no one is without doubts on life; those that pretend otherwise simply put on a good front. And for those of us that have it a bit worse, we hope to find someone to be patient with us if we're ever in one of those darker places of doubts. To have kids, to have a boyfriend... you definitely have a lot to be grateful for. So does your boyfriend ever have doubts? Well as I said, everyone does. What are they? Obsessing will only make it worse. At some point you need to learn to trust him even at the risk of exposing your own feelings further. Could it eventually lead to being hurt more? Yes. But in the meantime, it will enhance everything so much that it will be worth it. It's hard to re-condition our minds, but perhaps you can try. When you get those thoughts like after sex, try to switch them to, 'okay I know this is just me acting up again. He just had sex with me. That means he wanted me.' Just keep trying to tell yourself the things like that, eventually you may begin to believe them
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I am sorry for your life experiences………. (this part is important) I have very high confidence and in general a good life. However I can be in a room full of people talking and laughing and feel 100% ALONE. You are far from the only person that feels like a ghost sometimes.. I usually do not care what people think or say and yet I get caught up making sure I say the correct things, and dressing well so that people don’t talk about me…. At the end of the day we are all human, we are all imperfect creatures who strive for perfection. Life experiences shape us into who we are. Draw strength from the positive people in your life. I hope this makes you feel less alone.
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"Need" is the most common word you'll hear people say to you. You "Need" to do this, you "need" to do that. I suffered depression in the past and used to self harm. What these "need" people fail to understand is that no one wants to self harm, or suffer from anorexia or any of the other meriad of conditions out there. No one chooses to suffer from them, and if suffers could simply stop they would.
Counselling and seeking help from your doctor takes strength, and the doctor is the best port of call. Sometimes it can take trying out many different things to win the battle against mental illness. It's something that can be defeated, it does take a lot of effort and time.
I've found that we do things to comfort our emotions that ultimately end up reinforcing our anxieties. We get into cycles because they are comfortable, e.g. not looking at your partner after sex because it's easier than facing your anxieties. Another common thing people to do is continuously ask for reassurance, it relieves the anxieties for a while but then we end up asking and asking. Eventually it can result in other people becoming angry, which results in our fears being realised, and we seek even more reassurance.
The way out of the cycle is to experiment with things you can do instead of the bad habits, to see what else works at making you feel better. For example, your anxieties aside, if you are enjoying the sex, say so or say what you like about it, and he is likely to reciprocate. You get reassurance without irritating him. If you find it hard to talk or look at him after sex, perhaps touch him instead. He will likely reciprocate, which will again reassure you, making it easier to look and talk to him.
Our brains are fickle creatures. We can try to tell ourselves we are beautiful, but our brains want us to prove it to ourselves. If we believe we are ugly or fat, one way to change that belief is to challenge it. That is done by doing things, sometimes a little bizarre but things that profoundly make you rethink your beliefs. For example, getting a larger shirt and wearing it on yourself the whole day. Or masturbating in front of the mirror at your own image. Or drawing the outline of your body and the outline of someone you consider to be thin, and seeing how the drawn outlines compare. Another thing to do is avoid things that reinforce our anxieties (like model/weight loss magazines) and surround ourselves with things that encourage us to challenge our beliefs (like stories of other people with anorexia)
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