Ceruleaan Wrote:Hey everybody,
So here's the deal, I've been with my bf for just over five months now, but I'm beginning to think that he might not be right for me 
This would be the first indicator that your relationship is failing. It's sounds like to turn things around to make it work would need to change the essence that is both of you, and that is not a good thing. Relationships should work around personalities, not the other way around
In addition to that, I always initiate sex and have to do all the work.
This is also not a good indicator of a relationship that is or ever will work well.
he half-seriously said 'I guess you have to find another guy'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wtf?!
Exactly, if someone cares about a relationship and their partner, then that is not the sort of response, or lack of response. In a working relationship these things can and should be talked about. A working relationship is 50:50 in all aspects...communication and compromises included.
Anyway, sex is a difficult subject, but do you guys have any advice on how to tactfully bring this issue up with him?
I believe you have already tried to tactfully open the lines of communication and sounds like you would only get a similar response...and if you do, then his advice probably would be the best advice to take, go and find someone else.
He's my first serious gay relationship, so I want to do everything I can to make it work, but I don't think I can't maintain the relationship at this rate. I'm 21 and I want to have good sex with some I care about with some degree of frequency.
[COLOR="Blue"]First relationships are ALWAYS hard to end, I'm not going to kid you about that...I'm not going to say 'Just go and find someone else, there are plenty of fish in the sea', because there is a point that you have to reach within yourself before you can move on, and that is accepting that things may or maynot work, and by the sounds, it may not work between the two of you...but that is something you have to decide on.
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All of this being said, I sound pretty self-centred, so I also have to ask, is it unfair of me to want more from my lover?
Nope, 50:50 is a resonable expectation when 2 people are in a relationship. and if you are giving 60:40, you have the right to expect more
Ceru
Mate, I hope that you will do what is right for you, don't try and do or be something that you aren't or can't be just to please someone else because that is a sacrifice that no-one should make. I hope everything works out for you
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I think that, first of all, you should try experimenting with his tastes a bit. Try something new, maybe offer new positions of something, even toys...Are you a top or a bottom? Maybe switch roles in this too? Just try your best at finding what will really get him hot. :]
If that doesn't work then you really just gotta try and bring it up, but gently, of course. Never put it as a complaint, just as a concern maybe, as something that has been bothering you and you just want to know what the reasons for the lack of activity on his side might be. Expect a rough reaction though, he will probably be edgy about it. Just bear with him and try to talk it out, go as far with the conversation as possible.
If he doesn't show any signs that he will make an effort...well...you tried your best. Do what he does for a while, even though it's gonna be real hard. See his reaction then... :]
And really just, don't worry, okay? It is not your fault. Things will work out eventually. :]
Nate
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take it from someone who was in your shoes not to long ago...the "talk" is not easy and very sensitive to talk about with someone in relationship but like everyone else on here says...it must be done.
i know you are afraid that if you bring it up his defenses will go up and get offended...it is possible im not going to lie. however if you are not happy with this part of your relationship and when you try to talk to him he is not willing to talk, it might be an idea to maybe ...think long and hard if this relationship is right for you. i know right now being the first relationship your in you feel as if he is the right one for you and the only one for you and he might very well be BUT make sure you think of yourself first, and what you want and what you need in a relationship.
just to give you an outcome of what happened to me (dont think this will happen to you but yeah you get the idea) i was with my ex for over 2 years, we lived apart and his parents hated me so we would always have to meet in secret and sex was always an issue cause we could never find time or whatever...well the second year of our relationship we moved away to college and we moved in together...i thought our sex life would explode and improve on so many levels when it turn it only got worse....i talked to him about it several times, for hours at a time and it always led to a fight. long story short, sex is very important to me and when he would not satisfy me the way he did and no matter how much i loved him the relationship just fell apart...and ended 2 days before my birthday...go figure...(then he started screwing my best friend behind my back the same day....) but thats a whole other story....
anyways all im saying is think about yourself and what you want in a relationship. if he is willing to talk and do something about it great....if not well you get the idea....good luck! feel free to message me if you want to talk about something.
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Thanks again everyone!
I talked to him about the issues again. I basically just kept bringing it up again and again until he did take me seriously, and we talked it over. At the moment, things are inconclusive, I guess you could say. On the bright side I think he's willing to finally try a bit more to make things work.
We're both students and are taking courses such that we won't see each other until August. I'm hoping the fact that now that he knows the issues and we both have a month to think about things, we can iron things out when we both get back; if not, then I guess I'll know what needs to be done.
Anyway, you guys have been great, HUGZ
Ceru
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Great, man, I'm really happy to hear that :]]
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Hey again guys...
This is kinda an awkward addition to my thread...
Anyway, I was out with friends this weekend at Toronto Pride and got fairly intoxicated. A friend of friend's friend, who was cute + a good dancer was there too and we kinda hit it off. We got dancing, and things kinda spiralled from there. It didn't go too far, we made out and that was all, but I now I feel awful.
I talked to a friend after and she told me to forget about it and not to bring it up with my boyfriend. She said it was nothing, and certainly not enough to rock the boat with my bf. I still think I should tell him, and almost certainly will, but I want some more experienced advice on what to do/how to handle it/what to expect...
Also, like I mentioned before, we won't see each other until August, so should I let him know asap through a phone call? I'm thinking of leaving it until we're both back so that I can sit him down and talk things through... What should I do?
Sorry for being a whiny manslut...
Please don't judge
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I don't think there is a right answer but I do think there is a right answer for you so I will ask you a few questions...
Why exactly do you want to tell him? Be honest with yourself. Do you want him to forgive you? Do you forgive yourself? Do you have an appetite for drama? Are you prepared to accept his reaction even it it means you might break up?
I think being true to yourself is the ultimate goal so I would ask tough questions and give myself tough answers before I did anything else.
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You gotta think of the worst and best possible outcomes of spilling the beans mate, the best he's gonna forgive you, but believe me he won't forget, so there's the trust gone,the worst outcome, you taking a hike, so what's it gonna be out the door or staying in a relationship were the trust is gone, my advise keep your mouth shut, you did what you did so live with the guilt, and make sure it never happens again, give the drinking to excess a knock on the head also mate, it was a mistake don't make it into a nightmare.
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Like Benderboy here and East, I can see that you are dying for recognition from your one and only, but I don't think spilling the beans is going to help. First of all, you were drunk, you got carried away, but you kept it in check, more or less. It's not as if you spent the whole night with the guy and had full sex. This is probably one little secret that you can keep to yourself. Of course, you wouldn't want your boyfriend to hear about it through the grapevine... Is there any risk of that? Your need for intimacy and closeness has not been met as you would like for the moment, and you are probably feeling slightly thwarted, which in turn probably explains why you let yourself be led off the track for a while. Little does your boyfriend know how much of this has been worrying you and how much you've thought about it.
Anyway, I don't think anyone here thinks you're a slut. Just someone who's begging for more intimacy and more TLC, which, in my book, is understandable. I hope you two work it out eventually. Best of luck.
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Ceruleaan Wrote:Thanks again everyone!
I talked to him about the issues again. I basically just kept bringing it up again and again until he did take me seriously, and we talked it over. At the moment, things are inconclusive, I guess you could say. On the bright side I think he's willing to finally try a bit more to make things work.
We're both students and are taking courses such that we won't see each other until August. I'm hoping the fact that now that he knows the issues and we both have a month to think about things, we can iron things out when we both get back; if not, then I guess I'll know what needs to be done.
Anyway, you guys have been great, HUGZ
Ceru
Ceru, I hope that this message finds you and yours in a more desirable situation. I can only echo what many have said with regards to talking about sex. It really doesn't matter how old the two are. It is a tough topic to discuss, especially when one is bringing up something on the other.
I dealt with a partner who for almost a year was behaving sort of radical with me. He did not want to become intimate. But in the end, after discussing, I found out that he was on a spiritual journey, and I opted to not distract him. But I would have appreciated the heads up when he started his journey.
Anyways, 10 years later we are still together, enjoying each other and life. With regards to you guys, The good part about all of it is that you guys really haven't invested a lot of time in this relationship with one another. So If you guys are better off friends, then make that adjustment and safe guard what is already there.
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