Hey everybody,
So here's the deal, I've been with my bf for just over five months now, but I'm beginning to think that he might not be right for me 
We get along great, for the most part, but our sex life is really killing me, and here is why:
Apart from actual sexual activity, any intimacy is one-sided; he doesn't really reciprocate at all. Furthermore, the sex is infrequent and not that great; this month we've only messed around twice. In addition to that, I always initiate sex and have to do all the work.
I'll be the first to admit that communication is not my strong suit, but I do try. Last time I mentioned that I wasn't really satisfied with the sex, he half-seriously said 'I guess you have to find another guy'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wtf?!
Anyway, sex is a difficult subject, but do you guys have any advice on how to tactfully bring this issue up with him? He's my first serious gay relationship, so I want to do everything I can to make it work, but I don't think I can't maintain the relationship at this rate. I'm 21 and I want to have good sex with some I care about with some degree of frequency.
All of this being said, I sound pretty self-centred, so I also have to ask, is it unfair of me to want more from my lover?
Ceru
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No, it is not unfair to want more from your lover. You did not mention how old your lover is.... Is there a big age gap? There is such a thing as differences in sex drive, but it could be due to all sorts of other reasons.
Indeed, talking might get some of the stuff out of the way, but only if you can both get comfortable with the subject and I sense that it's a subject he wants to avoid.
How often would you like to be having sex with your boyfriend and how would you like it to happen?
Are you both versatile? What sort of sex does he seem to enjoy and what sort of sex do you enjoy?
Is it mutual masturbation, oral, penetrative sex, other?
Does he know what you like and don't like sexually speaking?
Are you allowed to watch porn? Do you watch it together sometimes?
It could be that his libido is strained by a lot of hard work or anxiety over something. Is he particularly worried about something, like maybe coming out to his entourage, his family? Is there something that he hasn't been up front with concerning you, his work, or your relationship?
Does he have a heavy work load?
Could he be no longer interested in you as a love object or sex partner? In which case, why? Has he fallen in love with someone else? Did he not take the remark of "the sex being so-so" very well? Maybe you've hurt his feelings badly.
What could you do to improve the sex, and what's more, what could HE do to improve it, since he's "not very good at it". How do you know he's not good at it? Have you had other experiences elsewhere? Maybe he's wondering who you are comparing him to... Maybe he's feeling inadequate, and your remark made it worse?
There could be all sorts of physical and psychological answers to your predicament...
But, no, I don't think it's unfair to expect more intimacy in your couple, IF it's a healthy couple.
Could you list all the reasons why you are with him in the first place?
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Hey,
Thanks for the response 
No there isn't a big age gap, he's slightly younger at 20, which is one of the reasons I can't understand his lack of sex drive. As for frequency, its not that I have a set target in mind, but for me Its about being intimate with him. I could go without for a while, or everyday of the week if the mood was right.
As for his stress/work load, I really don't think thats the issue; he tends to be very laid back. Ironically, I'm the intense one when it comes to work! Also, I didn't say the sex was mediocre to him (although that is an issue), I simply said I wasn't happy with twice a month; to which he responded with the flippant statement I mentioned.
Since I didn't criticize the quality at all, I can't imagine him being jealous of my previous partners; its not like he hasn't been around the block himself either.
I guess, to be concise, my problem is that this is my first real gay relationship and although its really good in some dimensions, the sex is a real problem for me and I don't know how to communicate with him about it. Its made worse because I so committed to trying to make this work that I'm not sure I putting too much in or should be calling it quits??
Insight appreciated...
Thanks guys
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As I said before.... you could ask if there is anything making him uncomfortable... which means, maybe you are hoping he'll be the top when he only wants to be the bottom, or vice versa... That could be one of the problems.
Maybe he's become bored already? How often did you have sex before? How long did that period last?
Does your boyfriend do recreational drugs like marijuana, that make him mellow and not so interested in sex?
Once more, I shall ask:
Could you list all (or some) of the reasons why you are with him in the first place? What makes you otherwise compatible (since it's obviously not the sex)?
And er.... what about taking him up on the offer of getting sex elsewhere? (just as a taunt - I understand that you don't want to go down that route). I sense you are lacking some passion in the couple.
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Oh, just thought of something else... Do you both live together? Or live in separate homes?
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His remark, " I guess you have to find another guy" may be justified and meant... maybe he's not feeling this relationship as strongly as you are... and maybe not so ready to settle down.
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No, it's not unfair to want more from your lover. This is supposed to be a relationship after all. If you can't get through PA's checklist and come up with some useful insight into what's going on it is likely that your man is not clear enough that relationships require work from both partners if they are going to go any distance.
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Aww. That's cute that you're shy to talk about sex. But talk about it you must. If you don't you'll just be unhappy. So, TALK!!
And by the way, did you know most guys start having doubts about their relationship right at 5 months. I wonder if it's contagious! LOL!! Don't sweat it. Your just getting intimate and the closeness is scary for you. It's normal. Everybody gets "too close" sometimes. It's called "growing". Don't let it bother you, just accept it as a necessary stage in the cycle of love. It will pass.
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marshlander Wrote:No, it's not unfair to want more from your lover. This is supposed to be a relationship after all. If you can't get through PA's checklist and come up with some useful insight into what's going on it is likely that your man is not clear enough that relationships require work from both partners if they are going to go any distance.
Hear Hear! (Here!)   mile: mile: :biggrin:
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Thanks for all the advice guys, you've all been really helpful so far 
princealbertofb Wrote:Maybe he's become bored already? How often did you have sex before? How long did that period last?
And er.... what about taking him up on the offer of getting sex elsewhere? (just as a taunt - I understand that you don't want to go down that route). I sense you are lacking some passion in the couple.
As for the compatibility, we just get along really well. We compliment each other well I guess is what I'm trying to say. We have fun whenever we go out, cook together and walk around town all the time.
Before...we really didn't do it that much to begin with, once or twice week. Although that being said, we live apart and its a long commute for either of us, so I understood that our bedroom fun would be limited. I just figured that we'd be more active when we did have the chance. The once a week period was really only the first 1 or two months, so it worries me that our sex life is kinda on the ropes already. I mean, I spend lots of time with him, so I know him as a person and as my partner (as much as possible in 5 months anyway), but we've had so little time in the bedroom that I don't know him sexually, and it doesn't seem like that's a priority for him.
Anyway, do you really think testing the "should I go elsewhere" tactic is a good idea, even if it is a taunt?
On a different note, if his libido simply is just lower than mine, is that something that I can or even should try to change; is that even fair to him? In short, is sexual compatibility something that involves compromise, or just something that is the way it is?
Thanks again, you guys have made me realize that I need to get over myself and just talk to him about this openly.
You guys are awesome, HUGZZZ
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Sex & Relationships
