Issues with Harassment

[Anonymous]

I hope that this post will not be too long, but if it is, I apologize....I've dealt with bullying my entire life, not about sexual orientation at first, but about everything regarding my personality (my shyness, coming from a poor background, etc.) Although I am now at university, I continue to face bullying, though to a different degree than in primary and secondary school. I am not "outwardly" gay. In fact, I would say I'm generally quite masculine. I wear the same attire as my mates and speak in the obligatory deep gravelly male voice. However, towards the end of my first year at university, I came out to some (then) close friends of mine. They seemed understanding, but little did I know that one of these "friends" was far less of a friend than they'd made themselves out to be. This person spread malicious rumors about my sexuality, and even accused me of making advances towards him, which was blatantly false.

From that point on, I noticed that a number of my former mates became increasingly hostile towards me. It baffled me at the time that anyone could be so judgmental, but in retrospect I realize they were simply expressing fear for something they did not understand. As a result, unfortunately, I became more and more self-conscious and reserved around people, and suffered an emotional breakdown at the end of term, which effectively alienated me from all my friends.

It was this past term that the harassment truly intensified, particularly from a group of fellows who study the same subject as me. I can't adequately express the cause of their hostility except that they are affiliated with my former 'friend' who spread rumors about me, and that they are the typical 'macho' types who get a good laugh out of the humiliation of others. Words such as "queer," "homo," "poof," etc. have all been used against me by this bunch. When I started to openly date another male student, people called us "the queer couple" and leered at us as we passed by. My relationship with said student has since dissolved, but the bullying has not lessened. If anything, it is worse. I'm afraid I yelled back one day to the group of guys who've been harassing me in particular, and since then the harassment has worsened. Gay slurs have been left on personal belongings of mine, such as my textbooks, and towards the end of last term, someone disassembled my bike while it was attached to the bicycle stand nearby the university and stole the seat and one of the tires. I am reasonably sure that one of my harassers was responsible since I've received abusive remarks about "riding a little bicycle round town" before by this group, but I have no solid proof. A rather disconcerting encounter occurred two or three weeks later as well. I was walking to the university library late one evening to get in some studying for end of term examinations, when I noticed the familiar group of harassers. They were in an automobile driving towards me as I walked across the pavement, with their windows rolled down, and started shouting abusive remarks at me. Worse, it had rained earlier that day and they veered so close to the curb that their tires splashed rainwater from a puddle all over me, which brought more laughter. There have been other such incidents, which I will not mention here for sake of brevity. Needless to say, however, that this has been a horrible experience.

I am truly at a point of emotional breakdown. There is summer holiday to look forward to, but this offers little consolation in light of the fact that the same situation awaits me next term. I've considered more than once going to the campus authorities, but the group has threatened retaliation if I should do so. I'm reluctant as well to rely on the campus authorities in this case, since I am an 'adult' and should be self-sufficient by this stage in my life. Any advice or feedback from any who've experienced similar would be greatly appreciated!

[fredv3b]

I've considered more than once going to the campus authorities, but the group has threatened retaliation if I should do so. I'm reluctant as well to rely on the campus authorities in this case, since I am an 'adult' and should be self-sufficient by this stage in my life. Any advice or feedback from any who've experienced similar would be greatly appreciated!

I've not experienced anything similar but I'll offer my advice anyway for what it is worth. I am not sure what you mean by being self-sufficient. Unless you want to grow your own food, build your own home, etc. we all rely on many different people for many different things, why should campus authorities be any different?

I can understand why you might reasonably been reluctant to involve the campus authorities, but this has gone on all year. The authorities do have a duty to ensure you can go quietly and peaceably about your studies without interference. For your own sake please go and speak to the authorities.

[East]

Bullying is a complex issue and it once it is truly understood it can be overcome. I have a female dyke in my life who has been a bully..nothing I wish to talk about because I am embarrassed that I let it happen but this site helped me alot,,,

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm

I forgot to add..if you are in UK there is a bully hotline http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/worbal.htm ...there is also extensive links at the bottom of the first page that will help you come to a decision from people who deal with this professionally.

PS..your friend is a self hating closet case..they can be dangerous. Do not tell him this or anyone else for that matter but it may help if you understand this and see clearly what you are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

I've not experienced anything similar but I'll offer my advice anyway for what it is worth. I am not sure what you mean by being self-sufficient. Unless you want to grow your own food, build your own home, etc. we all rely on many different people for many different things, why should campus authorities be any different?

I can understand why you might reasonably been reluctant to involve the campus authorities, but this has gone on all year. The authorities do have a duty to ensure you can go quietly and peaceably about your studies without interference. For your own sake please go and speak to the authorities.

I suppose what I meant by being "self-sufficient" is the ability to defend oneself, which I seem to lack. It's rather embarrassing, actually. I also don't wish for my mum and dad to find out.

[marshlander]

This has clearly gone a long way beyond any one individual's ability to deal with by themselves. You have a justified expectation that you should be able to pursue your studies without fear. Since your post reads as though you are in the UK I am pretty sure that the college management would be duty bound to take your complaints very seriously. Apart from anything else OFSTED would be very interested to know if fear for personal safety were compromising standards of attainment. If you are somewhere else in the world I don't know if the same rules apply.

[KnightShade]

In the USA we have "hate crimes" protection. If you feel threatened then you might want to consider if what you have been through might count as a "hate crime". The penalties for such crimes are pretty tough. Ask a police officer what the penalty for crimes committed against you are.

But for me, I would just act like I enjoy being harassed, and after a while they will likely quit messing with you because it appears to be not upsetting you. As long as someone stays in the closet they will take great joy out of harassing anyone.

(((Anonymous)))

[jbrowder24]

Though it might not be ideal, is it possible to change living situations when you return in fall? Living off campus or anything?

Everyone else has given great advice already, but I will say, regarding your comment of defense - you're only one man. If you have a group of people harassing you, there's only so much you can do. I would try to document everything, in case you do decide to ever go to the authorities. Take a photo with a camera that has the date stamp on it if you come back and see stuff written on your belongings, etc.

I understand the fear that things might get worse if the authorities are involved, but either way, you shouldn't have to live in fear. I hope you are able to stay strong because school doesn't last forever, and it'll only be a matter of time before you can move wherever you'd like for a job and meet new friends.

[Genersis]

Well i doubt my advice would be of much help.
So i will just wish you the best of luck getting this whole thing sorted out.

[princealbertofb]

Anonymous, if I were you, I'd talk to the campus authorities for starters, but I think you will need (if not to prove these things happened) to keep a record of occurrences, to have some sort of diary of events happening... a logbook, so to speak. Each time something of that harrassment happens you should write it down, time, date, incident, what slurs were heard, and maybe also how you felt (threatened, angry etc...) and how these boys misbehaved towards you. Have you got a telephone that takes pictures or videos? You should film them or photograph them too. If they stole some parts of your bicycle, you should also lodge a complaint to the police about it... and tell them who you suspect. I think this belongs to the criminal category of misdemeanour, doesn't it?
It might also help to get some counselling, but I'm not sure where. Is there a gay support group within your university or in the town itself? I think you might benefit from that as well. I'm not sure it would help to tell your parents, as they would probably worry more than anything else, but you have your reasons for not telling them... In time, you'll feel able to do so, surely.
Best of luck with coming to a solution. But I think an official complaint is in order. If anything else, these students (?) might get expelled for their behaviour and that would definitely be their own (un)doing...
I think you've put up with this long enough, and these bullies seem to think that they are winning it. They are VERY stupid to think that they are above the law, but you will need help from the campus authorities, possibly the police, maybe a lawyer some day. Who knows? I hope it won't go so far... Who do they think they are???? I am fuming! :mad:

[OrphanPip]

A university is a professional environment, these men have no business acting like children. You should make a complaint to the university authorities; if that doesn't stop things, make a complaint to the police. Frankly, I'm stunned to hear of university students behaving like this.