Complicated Life :'(

[Lonely]

im not really good at expressing my feeling but i will try to do my best...

its hard to describe whats aching me as its really complicated..
im a 23 years old gay guy in a third world country... and thats definitely one of my biggest problems

people say im funny, confident, friendly and that im always laughing...
but all they see is just an act... i feel that im really fragile and that im ready to break any moment now

i have LOTS of friendz... though my real friendz are just 2 (a guy and a girl)... they are the only people in here that knows im gay.... the girl accepted me (and that was really surprizing)... and im sure i lost the guy (and he was more than a brother to me) though he said that i meant alot to him and that im not gonna lose him... he just stopped calling and he dont answer my fon calls anymore...

anywayz... im living now alone in an appartment near my uni. and thats given me the time to think about my life...
i realized how alone i am... i have ZERO confidence, i have nothing that a guy would possibly like in me and not even the looks.... and im probably gonna spend the rest of my life alone

i had 2 boyfriendz b4... the first one wasnt from my country... we stayed together for about a year and he spent about a month in here with me...
we used to argue alot.... once we had a big fight bcoz he lied to me and i ended that relationship, i told him i hate lies more than anything in the world... and thats true ... but the real reason i broke up with him was bcoz im stupid...

he was a great guy... i could have forgiven him easily... but i havent really accepted myself back then... i had problems with my family bcoz my mom suspected i was gay... i hated myself for being gay though i wanted to be with him

i met my second boyfriend not so long after that.... my mom made me go to a shrink not so long after i broke up with my first boyfriend and i was really feeling down back then...

but all that changed when he showed up... he was charming... funny... smart... gentle... he was everything i would have asked for in a guy.... and he really loved me

he was from Egypt too but he was in another city... but i managed to meet him once (and even twice sometimes) a week if i had the money...
we would watch a movie... have dinner...anything... it really didnt matter... the important thing was that we were together

we were together for about a year and a half.... he was my world... all i wanted was to wake up next to him everyday.... grow old with him... and spend the rest of my life with him till my last day alive...

we always argued too... it was always about something silly... but we never let each other sleep while we were mad of eachother.... but something happened twice... we had 2 big fights and he told me that we need a break... that hurt me... but i never let it happen... i appologized for whatever ive done and it passed.... on the third time... he said he wanna break up with me... and he left the conversation... that was about 11pm...

i swear i couldnt even think or sleep till it was about 7am the next day...
i was really mad at him... they fight was about something really silly and it wasnt even about our relationship.... he appologized to me the next day but i couldnt forgive him...

and bcoz im stupid and all i do is just wrong... i decided to meet another guy... i knew that i loved him more than anything in the world... i wanted him to hate me...

i met that guy... he was a gay friend of mine... and i knew he had a crush on me...
i kissed him but i couldnt do anything more... i realized how stupid i was.... i told him that i cant do it.... and i told my boyfriend what happened...

long story short... he didnt forgive me... we broke up... and i spent the next four months literally crying myself to sleep

now i have no one... i lost my closest friend... and im starting to lose the rest of my friendz i stopped calling the rest of them and they gave up on calling me as i dont answer them most of the time... i dont mean to be rude but its just that i cant talk to anyone when im not feeling ok.... im a mess emotionally and my life is not so different now

im really scared that im gonna die alone... specially that my dad wants me to move to Saudi Arabia and work there with him... (i hate my dad even more than i hate saudi) and that would keep me away from my mom's family who im totally sure that only they in the world who really loves me

im sorry for making this long but i really feel down right now and i had to get this off my chest :'(

[fenris]

We all have some more or less complicated phases in our lifes... important is to find the right way out.
As I came out years ago I lost some good friends too ... but they can´t be good friends if they leave if someone is honest and maybe need their help... so.. time for new friends ;-)

Is it a must to go with your father to his work ? I mean .. can´t you tell him, that you want to stay in your country - now, when times change - looking for work there and want to build up a new country ? Thats not less important than going into another country with your father...
Or simple be honest an tell him that you want to stay near your mothers family .. ?

I mean ... I don´t know a lot about other cultures .. but maybe it is easier as you think in time ?

I want to say .. start new ... let your old friends who have not acted like friends behind you ...take your friends wich are on your side with you.. into new friendships. And you will find some new friendships... I´m sure that it is possible ( I mean .. I have friends ... and I´m not a person who is known for being nice and easy to handle )

[toomuch45]

im very sorry what your going through
i barely have any friends so i can feel your pain i think we all have those times where we should just start new and try something different
i hope you feel well and if you need anything im heremile:

[Crs30]

I'm not going to go into detail about my past, but I have gone through a situation similar to yours. Something that would help you is to believe it will get better. If you go to youtube, you can look up "it will get better." those videos are great. I also recommend "davey wavey" videos. These videos helped me through some tough times.

Don't give up hope. It's not over. You have your whole life ahead of you.

[Lonely]

Fenris... i guess u r right about friends... but it really hurts when someone u once considered more than a brother, leaves u like this only bcoz u chose to be honest... and about my dad... i think i have no other option... its not that easy to find a good job in here and he's given me really good offers to work there... but the problem is that it is really like a prison there i can find new friendz... but they will never be as close as he was... we've been friendz for about 9 years now

Toomuch45... that is sooooooooooo sweet :$ i will always keep that in mind :$:$ thank u sooo much... it really mean alot to me

Crs30... i dont know about "it will get better" videos but i really like davey wavey he really helped me too... but the problem is that i always go back where i was not so long after i watch those videos... its not that easy to stick to everything he says specially in a third world country and im trying not to lose hope :$

[princealbertofb]

Don't lose hope, Lonely... We never know what life is going to deal us, but it's worth waiting around to see what happens next, and hope for it to be a good surprise. I'm thinking that, maybe, if you can't get out of going to Saudi Arabia, and given that it's a country that attracts many foreigners, your path may take you there and that's where you'll find your life waiting for you. Maybe this is a time to consider your career rather than your love life? And maybe your love life will you meet you somewhere on the journey? At the moment being able to focus on something else, like your profession might be a good bet, especially if things are not going so well in Egypt in terms of work. Take the work where it is, become successful and wealthy (maybe), then you can be your own man.
I have not understood why you hate your father so much but, I'm hoping that you will find something good to say about him. He seems to have your interest at heart, and that is giving a sound professional standing.

[Lonely]

well... i wasnt thinking about it that way honestly Alberto
maybe u r right... but i really hope i could start somewhere else... saudi arabia will be so lonely if i went there... no where to go... and no social life..

about my dad... i tried to give him all excuses i could think of but it didnt work out...
i dont think i can forget his absence from our life for the first 18 years and leaving my mom to raise us on her own...
u know... he used to pay 60Egyptian pounds (thats about 6GBP) per month for me and my sister (30 each) eventhough he is a wealthy man... and he's from a rich family too.... while we had some really tough times with our mom and she is a great woman btw

i tried to forgive him... and i did... but i will never forget what my mom had to pass through bcoz of him.... and paying for my college the last 5 years doesnt erase that...

but i guess u r right Alberto maybe there is something good there that i dont know about yet