Sister VS best friend... help

[jamiebfd]

Ok so my sister has been with my best friend for 11-12 years.
They split a few week back and i let my friend move in with so he wasnt homeless.
However... i feel some tension from my sister about this.
I try see her every day so she knows i havent picked sides.
Even if they try ask about each other i just ignore it and say im not getting involved. Or i tell them to go see each other and ask for themselves.

I think my sister feels a little betrayed that i have taken my friend in after they have fallen out.
I try explain that he is my best friend and i wouldnt turn him away for anything.

I mean sure.... if he had beat her or been really nasty id have something to say and it would be a different story but thats not the case. The breakup was mature and nothing crazy or disfunctional.

Is there anyone who thinks i am wrong for taking him in my home?
What would you think if you was my sister?

The replies i get here will decide my next move in this mess lol

[princealbertofb]

What your sister is putting you through is akin to emotional blackmail (a more subdued version, perhaps?), if she's putting pressure on you. There will come a time when she'll just have to acknowledge that you and she are two different individuals. Your relationship with your best friend is totally different from the relationship she may have had with him and certainly very different from the relationship that you both share as siblings.

In this triangle, you are betraying neither your allegiance to your sister as next of kin, (especially when you make an effort to include her in your daily timetable), nor your best friend (who, had he not been in a relationship with your sister, would still be your best friend). You sound like a person with their own mind and with a stable sense of loyalty.

If you fear that your sister will feel uncomfortable with this situation, I suggest you actually talk about it, and explain how you can be friends with your best friend (AND put him up because that's what you do for real friends) and still be a loving and caring brother. The best thing for her would be for her to acknowledge (and maybe your best friend too) that they have to give time to their breakup, even if it was maturely decided... There will still be a sort of period of mourning. Tell her you sympathise and hope she will stand on her own two feet soon and maybe find another love in her life. She's got to move on, or just get back together with him...

As for your friend, I would suggest you have the same conversation with him, and see how soon he too can move on and maybe stop squatting your private space, because it's causing unnecessary tensions, even though you love him to bits as a friend. (You don't mention here that you are actually glad that your friend is staying with you, but I'm getting the feeling that you're kind of proud that he's chosen to crash at your place... nothing sexual, or romantic, right???)

What exactly happened between them? Did they just gradually become estranged? Or have lives that parted and became too distant?

OK, best of luck with the necessary talks.

And if all else fails, suggest that your sister and / or best friend get some couple counselling, if things can't improve, because you are not a buffer between them.

[jamiebfd]

Thanks dude
Me and my friend are not sexual at all. he is 100% straight.

They split because of constant arguing and stress.
They have 3 great kids together and i genuinly think they both just need a break.
they have broken up before but neved like this.
The whole family is shocked and we all want them to stay together lol.

As for me being happy about my friend staying at my house... i am neither happy or unhappy about it.
I told him its a tempory thing and he needs to find a place as soon as possible.

Its nice to hear someone say im not wrong man.
I needed that pal. thanks

[princealbertofb]

You seem very well grounded, Jamie... You're a peach. mile:

[Bookworm]

I would just continue to be supportive of both and prove that you are not taking sides with anyone. He is only staying with you on a temporary basis afterall.
They may actually still get back together again and will appreciate your support in the long run. Hopefully, you and the rest of the family are right and that they just needed a break to reflect on what has happened and put things into perspective.
Hope things work out for them and you.

[princealbertofb]

I'm thinking one of the problems is they are both worrying about what will happen to the children.... So staying close is what they think is best?

[jamiebfd]

I'm thinking one of the problems is they are both worrying about what will happen to the children.... So staying close is what they think is best?

I forgot to mention... i live directly across the road from my sister lol.
They still see each other every day and both do their bit for the kids. They watch films together and today have gone for a day out as a family.
I know my sister wants him back but my friend (scott) isnt fond of the idea. He says he wants to sort his life out.

I wanted to say.... but they are your life.
I just didnt want to come across as trying to force a decision on him.

[princealbertofb]

The fact that they are his life doesn't take away from the fact that maybe he needs some order in there to feel comfortable.

[jamiebfd]

The fact that they are his life doesn't take away from the fact that maybe he needs some order in there to feel comfortable.

Well i have asked him what he means by sort his life out...

He wants more money and indipendance. He wants to be able to treat the kids whenever he feels like it.
And he wants to live the single life.

Another thing i forgot to mention is that they have been together since age 14. And at the age of 15 they had their first child. The pressure must be immense for them both.
Sometimes i wonder if they stayed together because of the kids and now they are stuck in the cycle etc

I feel much better knowing im not doing anything wrong towards them both. Now its just a matter of hoping they sort it out xD

[fredv3b]

My suggestion, instead of worrying about your sister vs. your best friend try to be a good uncle. Would your nieces and nephews want their dad to have to stay with some other friend miles away?