Ok, this is a bit of a story.
About a year ago I was just looking for friends and came across a boy. He was borderline depressed and hated his situation in life. shitty parents small town, in the closet and 15 so hormones going wild. Well, He fell in love with me. After talking for a while we became good friends and I told him it could never be, he turned 16, and im 6 years older than him.
Fast forward and I finally was willing to admit to myself that I hhave feelings for him, more than just as a friend, took me a while, but I finally admitted it to him, and truth be told, I want to be with him. He lives on the other side of the continent, so its not like im doing anything wrong to him.
We talked it out and want to make it work so we are going to wait until he is 18, and I can support him, and I will bring him to me.
We have alot in common, and I really do love him, but my problem is that when im with people its almost like I feel they are not happy around me, and, I know they arent, im not a nice person in the real world. Im afraid to hurt him.
So theres my dilemma. is it wrong to string this boy along for years to get him to me only to find out we are completely incompatible?
Also he has very low self esteem, and slight comments I have made have made him cry before, Im not kidding when I say he fell for me hard, nobody else can make him cry like that.
So yea, Any thoughts?
Also sometimes I feel like a pedo...
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Anytime you do long distance, it is hard. I think it would be best if you could explain to him that you like him, but want him to keep his options open, and you'll keep your options open, until you can meet in person. Age difference aside, the sooner you can meet someone, the better it is. There are many issues with long-distance especially if that's how it starts, as there are indeed differences in person. I don't think there's anything wrong with your doing, just that there is big potential for hurt. And as worried as you are about hurting him, what if as he gets closer to 18, he meets someone closer and ends up hurting you? That said, you obviously have a connection with someone, so I do think you should keep talking at least as friends and see where things go, and I wish you the best of luck.
•
Lol, as to him hurting me... I can turn my emotions off, I know its not the best tjing for it, but its better than nothing. I tried keeping it just friends, but that didnt last lol.
One of the bigger hurdles is my upcoming deployment. I will be going to the middle east for 6 months. He is scared shitless that Ill end up getting killed, even though Im just a maintainer, If I am seeing combat, there are bigger problems.
•
Its sounds like a tricky situation, but I'm sure it will work out in the long run seeing as you're putting so much thought into it.
On another note, I find it hard to believe you're not a "nice person in the real world" as you seem to be genuinely concerned with his well-being over your own, not the hallmark of a mean person in my opinion.
As for practical advice, you're probably right to let things sit until he's 18, but the fact that you would be able to support him might be bad for him in the long run. At that age its easy to become dependent. If down the road you guys end up going separate ways he may not be able to take care of himself if he's learned to depend on you since he was 18.
Good Luck,
Ceru HUGZz
•
Speaking as someone who is facing the prospect of watching his best friend run off join the marines, I think you should really consider how terrifying it is to think about someone you love in a far off, distant world fighting for their life and the lives of the people around them. The likelihood of you seeing combat is minimal, but all he is thinking about is the guy he loves is out of sight, out of contact, in a hostile country. If he's like me, he doesn't want to think about you in any sort of trouble, and the idea of a government notification telling him that you died for your country has probably denied him many night's sleep. You recognize that he is scared shitless. Understand that that is not an exaggeration, call him often while you're over there, and understand that all the explaining and logic in the world is probably not going to erase his unease.
As for you being a good person, if you can remember to not be a dick to him when you are otherwise at your meanest, then you are not a bad person.
•
Im not going to be able to call him. Its hard enough finding time to talk, all we can do is talk on skype from time to time because his parents would lose their minds if we actually called. Im plaanning on sending him a bunch of emails with dates that he can open them, and creating an email account to send him emails that I wont be watched on.
I will be deployed somewhere around Dubai, which is not hostile, and we are kept on base. In all honesty Im more likely to be hurt here at home station because of how crazy they are about safety over there.
Im going to do whatever I can but we arent given much free time or time to call home.
•
Try to control your emotions. Just put a halt at the loving thing, just until you get to see him. If you continue to tell him you love him (guys like him can easily become really attached) his love for you will deepen, and when thr fateful day comes - you two meeting each other - and for some reason it occurs to you that he's not the one, it'll be hell for him. Never ever chop up the herbs if you're not sure that you can finish the dish successfully.
•
I admire your willingnes to want to help this guy but I would seriously urge caution.
You can't be both partner and counsellor (small "c") to this guy and if he really is as you suspect suffering from some form of depression you need to be very careful otherwise you could potentially expose your self to emotional problems and or set off all sorts of other in depth psychological issues that can happen in these situations.
The last thing I imagine you will want is for this guy to develop dependency on you. If he has unrealistic expectations of what you can do for him and you fail to live up to those expectations you could do him more harm than good - just be his friend and take advantage of the geographical distance between you.
I got in to a similar situation a few years ago with a young guy who was being bullied in a chat room. Having done my best to calm the situation online he asked my opinion on his profile pic - you see where this is going!
I never ever let him believe that there was anything more than friendship on offer but I unwhittingly allowed dependency and not a small amount of Transference to take place.
The guy obviously had some issues and felt comfortable enough to share his feelings with me. I really tried to be supportive but what can you say to someone who claims to be the reincarnated personification of an Ancient Egyptian god who's return to Earth was forseen by a Medaeval seer who said of him, and I quote:
"His life will be short and full of pain but he will be the saviour of man-kind."
I simply couldn't be this guys friend and play the roll of counsellor. There were other things there that indicated to me the possibility of a personality disorder and you really do have to tread on egg shells there.
Your situatioin is different to that of my own in some ways but similar in others.
Know that when he matures he may resent his reliance on you and enginere a situation to bring your relationship, whatever form it takes at the time, to a swift end. Some people do that, it's just how they cope.
Be there as much for your self as you are for him but just be prepared for this thing to peter out.
Much respect for what you've done so far. I'm thinking too... you identified pretty quickly the possibility of depression in him... ever thought of formal training in psychology or such like????
Good luck!
•
Oh, wow.
When you talk, are you both happy to be with each other even only on skype? IF you are, what else matters? Be happy with each other the way you are now and don't make too much plans about the future because you never know what could happen. Don't make promises, live for what you have now...
It's not wrong to be happy with your boy. But you both need to be clear on what you have between you..Your feelings for eacht other could dissapear at some point and that should not lead to a heartbreak on either side...Sounds to me like you have a great friendship, so..Or, of course, you could love each other and really be together when he turns 18.
Please, don't worry now. Just be happy with him, make him happy and enjoy the world at your feet...
•
Hey vigilias thanks for the advice. He isnt that dab, I know what to look for in case of suicide and the like. I know he isnt a danger to himself or anyone around him, im just afraid to hurt him emotionally. While I dont have any formal training in psychology, we are taught to keep an eye out for depression, suicidal tendencies, etc. Its kindof important in a profession where you have easy access to firearms, explosives, etc. I really wouldn't want to get any training in it either, no offense meant to anyone but psych people tend to overanalyze the hell out of things.
Conservatively I have stopped 7 people from suicide, but they were all for different stuff. Yes he was feeling down and blue, but again, he was still pretty well off. just for some reason he fell for me, and eventually I fell for him as well. Honestly, I havent done much for him aside from talk to him like a normal human being. I sometimes worry that he is confusing some other emotions for love because Im one of the first people who are in an adult role to not treat him like shit.
Thanks slipknot, that does make sense. But Im a planner, always have to make sure things will work before I do something. I cant bring him to me and then find out we cant afford to eat, I couldnt put him through that. thats why Im making plans. This way ill have a place, a good job, and money , and hopefully be able to help him go to school. thats my goal anyway. winning the lottery would work too 
•
|
Right or wrong?
