Now I know what fear is...

[SlipknotRlZZ]

So um...yeah. I really used to believe that no matter how homophobic my parents or people around me are, I'd never feel hurt or anything because I for myself know what the truth is and what is right, I am proud of who I am. Thing is, things aren't as solid as I thought they are.

Turns out I'm not as proud as I thought I am. Because, I mean, if you look at it ...I shouldn't be proud. I have tits and a fucking pussy ffs. .. ya kno..So yeah. It's like, I'm walking down the street in my shirt and all, wearing shorts, feelin like the king of the world cause the shirt is a button up one and I look like a gentleman..Then I see a cutie, he's looking awesome in his clothes...and Im thinkin 'ohh he'll notice me, I look awesome"..then I look down and..oh wait..he looks better than me. You know?

But my point was that homophobia hurts more than I thought it would hurt me. My godfather is am amazing person, I totally love him, he's always been there for me and all, although I haven't realy confided in him that much. A few days ago I came out to his son whom I am great friends with, we see each other rarely and talk not so often,but whenever we are together we can talk for hours about all sorts of shit, like literally EVERYTHING, He took things surprisingly well (just like another friend of mine whom I suspected would make a joke out of it) and even started calling me Ryan and saying things that..are just supportive and all, making jokes and stuff.. :] But he said that his father, my godfather, is extremely homophobic. And..since he said that, I can't, I just CAN'T look at my godfather the same way. Everytime I can spot the rough and...bad part of him that can turn agressive and abusive anytime, although he is ALWAYS very nice to me. Same thing with my father, although I've always known he's like that...every time he turns cynical and uses that kinda language and cals this and that faggy and makes sexual jokes I just cringe..I hate him with all my heart, I wanna smash his head into the table, he's so full of himself and he really knows nothing...

Anyways, I even had a dream about this and I think it's what made things as painful and all...I had a dream that an argument breaks out between me, my father and my godfather about homosexuals. They weren't too abusive in their words, but I think it still affected me pretty badly.. They were sooo harsh and all, especially my godfather, all trace of his funny and loving self gone...

Now I know what fear is. It hurts me deeply to think about this. I know that when the time to come out to my parents comes, I will be scared to death and I hope I have someone by my side then, but I know that even if they decide to disown me, I wouldn't care...I mean, of course I would, but..I'd be mostly mad at them, for being so ignorant.

Just wanted to share that I finally know what people feel when they encounter homophobia. Sorry for the long post.

~Ryan

[Yuki]

Ryan, I'm right there with ya. My parents are also homophobic esp. my dad. Yes, it can be really tough and at times it hurts but you know what, you're tougher than anything else that they say or do to you.

[Yuki]

Also, don't let them see that your afraid, they'll feed off from your fear like those creepy looking ghosts thingies in harry potter,lol.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

DEMENTORS
I won't, mate! Stay strong too and thanks for the support!

[Lonely]

worry about nothing R... u r a strong person and u can do anything
u just dont rush things up... the right moment to tell them will come eventually..
and whenever u need support... u know were u will find me

[East]

Ryan...I wish I could tell you that it will stop hurting sooner than later but I fear this is one of those things that every single one of us has to face as we are the outcasts in society and we all have to face the hatred whether it is from people we know and maybe love or people we dont' know.

There is a good part to this though.....you know the saying "what doesnt' kill you will make you stronger?" Well...it is true. Some people are always going to be homophobic and cruel and there is nothing any of us can do about it. What you can do when the hurt subsidies is begin to rise above it...it is a great feeling when the day comes that you neither require nor desire their approval or acceptance....I think it is more liberating than coming out...and just about anything else.

Hang in there...if they really start to get to you just remember how many people love you for who you are. .

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Thank you for the support guys! It really helps to know that you all accept and support me, and that you understand whet I amtalking about...I hope you're right that one day I won't really care that much!

to all of you!

[jbrowder24]

I understand how you feel completely. My dad is the same way, while there are other relatives I thought might be more supportive but I found out later they are pretty against gays (though in some cases, a non-violent religious way, but still disappointing). My dad definitely is similar though and I know how hard it is - *hugs* to you

[posterpicture]

One quote that I like a lot is "homosexuality (in your case it transexuality) is a pity accident for other until it happens to you".
Many phobia comes from the fear of the unknown. Part of homophobia come from that fear also.
Your family and friends maybe homophobic now but have you ever thought that if you come out to them, it would change them? Of course, there is a chance for that.
I don't just tell you this because I am a dreamer who believe in miracle that only happens in fairy tale.
I have came out to several homophobic and conservative friends who have known me as myself not my sexual orientation. Not all of them took it very well in the beginning but it just gets better. They started to realize that gay people ( in my case ) are just like any heterosexual people. I am still me, one of their good friends, not a disgusting person that they have heard of (from their local church).

So think about that, you may have seen the imperfection in your family member but no one is perfect. However, some of our imperfection can totally be improved. If you take the courage and come out to them, maybe you will change their life, and their belief forever? to the better of course

[toomuch45]

Ryan i wish you the best and i think your very strong man i have fear inside me too so you can always talk to me about anything

hugs to the brave one