Boyfriend ex-prostitute - help

[rockstar1985]

Hi all,

My name is Ken and I'm new to this forum - I registered because I need advice!

I am a 26yo American and my German boyfriend of 5 months is 22. Before we got serious he told me he was a prostitute between age 15 and 16. I was totally in love and I knew of course he had changed. Of course I was shocked at the time especially with a very conservative upbringing with only a handful of past sexual partners and monogamous relationships, but love conquers all, so I thought.

But I am having a problem. Sometimes I get flashes of mental images of his past and I start to cry. It has started to be more often and I'm starting to wonder if I can ever get over his past. I know this isn't fair to him and it's in his past, but it's completely uncontrollable. Sometimes lately when I even get mental images of the older men who touched him and were inside him. Even writing this right now I start to tear up. I don't judge him and I know I need to just get over this.

However, sometimes it does rear it's ugly head in our relationship. I don't want this post to get too long but for example, he just graduated and i am semi supporting him while he gets on his feet. One morning i knew he was completely out of money and i discreetly left some money on the table. Later he told me he was so grateful but to please NEVER leave money on the table, and I knew exactly why. One other example, he is very experienced even in some 'alternative' sex and it slips out sometimes. He is versatile and I had my first bottom experience with him. It was one of the most amazing experience I've ever had and I had a really strong afterglow. He said "Yeah my first times were like that it's amazing right?" It hit me so hard I started bawling. It was nothing special for him! I know many of you probably think ibshould just get over myself and enjoy the fruits of his experience, but please keep in my very conservative background.

I am sorry for the long post, but is anyone in a monogamous relationship with a boyfriend with a promiscuous past? This just isnt fair to him! Can you give me advice on how to get over this. Thank you so much in advance.

[mrk2010]

First of all buddy, take a deep breath, calm down and think rationally and try not to upset yourself. Your boyfriend is lucky to have a boyfriend who is supporting him in order to have a good future. Yes your boyfriend has a past but the key thing is, has he done it since you were together? Personally I don't think he will have. To an extent a lot of couples one who has less experience may feel what you are feeling regarding many sexual partners. Maybe your boyfriend is trying to be light hearted aabout his past in Oder to mask his own feelings about that time in his life. Maybe you should sit down and talk to him, tell him you are feeling uncomfortable but most of all that you love him. You seem to love him so much, just try to accept his past but also let him know your feelings. I have a feeling he may open up to you more and talk to you in a more serious way rather than the light hearted stuff which you find hurtful.

I wish you all the best and that you can resolve your issues, remember talking will help. Good luck. mile:

[azulai]

Hi, Ken. Welcome to GS.

Have you thought that maybe in your mind --> your bf has a past and you haven't quite forgiven him for it? He was 15-16? You are so lucky he's alive and survived. Part of having a "conservative" background is YOUR baggage. Your baggage is righteousness and judgment. That's what you need to get over. It's your problem, not his. You need to put the blame honestly where it needs to be. You left money on a dresser knowing his past? Really? I think you are subconsciously making him pay for his former life.

You might feel a little defensive by my words, but I hope they push you to do a little soul searching. Just because you have less sexual experience or more "acceptable" experience, it doesn't make you somehow better. Your flashes of what he must have done/experienced, remind me of xans who dwell on what "homosexuals must do." They fixate on it. Why are you fixating on what he must have done? He used sex to survive. You either accept it and love him for who he is or you find yourself a virgin.

The guy finished school and has moved on. Don't take away from him what he has accomplished. Don't keep making him live the life of a prostitute.

[pellaz]

concentrate on his accomplishments;
-that is finishing school at the age of 22.
-he lives in Austin-TX and bet its a lot different than where he was when he was 15-16.

[fenris]

You know his past ... what counts is the future.

A very important thing in a relationship is : Don´t ask if you fear the answers or if you know that you can´t handle the answers. Your bf was honest.... you know the important facts and thats all what you have to know, don´t hurt him or yourself with questions which are not important for the future. mile:

[CellarDweller]

You know his past ... what counts is the future.

Fenris is right.

In this day and age, everyone has a past.

While I don't condone what he has done, I have much respect for him for being honest with you. He could've kept that a secret. Learn to focus on his successes and future, and you'll find you're not focusing on the past.

[East]

My advice is slightly different than everyone elses I am afraid though I agree with alot of what has been said and what i would suggest is asking yourself some hard questions.

What is it exactly that bothers you?
Why does it bother you?
What exactly does it have to do with you?
Do you want to be his first time?
His best time?
Do you have an idea of what love is supposed to be?
Why exactly does it bother you that other men were inside him?
Why do you think a conservative background is the factor at play here?

I think all of the answers you need will be in the questions you ask yourself and how thoughtful and honest you are with yourself when you answer them.

[ManicReptile21]

Give him and yourself a break. you need to calm down and stop looking so deeply into it. work more on your relationship and these insecurities will fix themselves. you gave him a bad memory, and he gave you an emotional attack on your first bottom experiance. well what do you expect when he has had EMPTY sex. his first probably lacked EVERYTHING real sex has- and he obviously doesnt know anybetter. its up to you to put some FEELING into his numb soul.

[dfiant]

At the age of 15-16 I doubt he would have had a choice in the matter, it more than likely is something that he had to do to survive, and survive he has, and it seems like he is flourishing with the benefit of being in a relationship with you.

I can understand to an extent how you must feel, it is daunting when exposed to some that you truely don't understand.

The important thing is you are with him, and he is with you, the both of you are happy and the both of you are building a future. Make sure he feels loved and appreciated before, during and after sex so that the moments he has with you will be memories that will eclipse the past.

Perhaps you could have a chat with him, let him know that you need to know a few things so you can be at peace, let him know what bothers you, let him know how much you love him, let him know how proud you are that he is turning his life around.

[bariuke]

Lots of people have spotty pasts. Everyone has had bad things happen to them, and everyone has something that someone else will not be okay with. Dwelling on it and letting it bother you hurts not just you, but him as well.

I've had my fair share of bad experiences (some worse than others), and I have been in relationships with people who had the same or worse experiences. We never let it bother us. We didn't treat it like horrible things that were going to haunt us for the rest of our lives. We treated them as something character building. We talked about them like we would anything else, and we weren't bothered, because they were fact. They really happened.

If you let his past bother you, it's going to make him think that you're ashamed of him. If you are not ashamed of this man, you should get this issue out of your head and learn to accept it, because if you don't, I can guarantee you that it will cause big trouble in the future.