I dont know whats up with me?

[dm6]

Hey Guys and Gals.
Im 24 years old, i have been straight all my life. I have had long term relationships in the past with women, But i have been single now for 5 years.
I left my ex when i was 19. had a previous ex to her, but that was it.
All of my family are catholic, and my Father is totally against homosexuals. In fact, he despises them.
All of my life, i have had this weird sexual attraction to the same sex, but ignored it and lived a straight life telling myself i AM straight, theres just no two ways about it.
Seems i was wrong i guess, or... i dont know.
To be honest with you all, i really dont know what i am? Straight Bi or Gay??
How weird is that?
I feel a bit lost sometimes, just wish i knew myself.
The thought of telling my friends and family that i am a gay man, or bi sexual turns my stomach to be honest because i know the reaction i would get.
I live the life of a straight man and always have done, i think if anything it would totally SHOCK everybody i know.
To the core.
But it's weird, because its like, just there you know? In the back of my mind, the denial that i am gay, but in a weird sense i knid of know i am.
Does anybody else relate to this?
Does this mean i am a gay man? or Bi?
ANY comments here would be awesome. I have been hesitant about posting here and even signing up for the pure fact that... omg am i really signing up to a gay forum?
Do you know what i mean?
Again, anything said would be excellent.
Peace and Love to you all.

[Jay]

I can relate.

I was raised in a religious environment. My parents are modern but very religious at the same time. My other siblings as well. I had to go to two different schools when I was in primary and high school (National school in the morning and religious school in the evening). I was elected to be a school 'priest' and 'preacher' for a few years. I led hundred of students for pray every day.

I was taught that homosexuality is wrong hence I forced myself to act straight. But deep down I know that I am gay and I have no interest in girls. I was conflicted as my sexual interest is being condemned by my religion as well culture.

I think you know what you are and what you want but your true desire is being held by your religion and how you were raised (homosexuality is wrong and alike).

You could be bisexual if you still have interest in girls.

The process to discover, to learn and to experience can be exciting, fun, nerve wrecking and scary. But don't be discouraged by this new 'world'. You will eventually get used to it.

[dm6]

Jay.. Thanks man.
Religion is quite outside of my mind for the time being....its a very long story.
My biggest concern right now is, i have prett much come to terms with it, i am gay.. and you know, it feels good.
but my worry is, telling the people around me, friends family and workmates who i really am, i know it wil change things drastically.
I am actually worried about it...
Thanks for your reply though bud x

[pellaz]

come out when you like, no rush. dont let anyone force you. coming out inside your self is a major project.

the feeling at first is exhilarating, a new discovery? there really are few differences gay bi or straight so why should people know? its not like you need to wear a pink triangle on your suite jacket. finally people who know will already have made an opinion if your gay or not.

you cant expect people to respond you telling them something they just dont know anything about. just skip over these people. try to come out to a sister or brother first, they generally have the bandwidth to make it work.

this is what is coming up for you, why you will want to be out:
-if you find a significant other, touch is such a significant affirmation, he will want to hold hands, maybe in public.
-a date might want to walk you home
-my belief system "gay is nature's population control" so have fun when parents will discuss its time to settle down and marry have children. or course you plan to adopt...
-you find a partner you must live with. he is your spouse so why cant you have a picture on your desk at work?
-there is a gain in personal confidence being out. you dont have to hide something from everyone that they may possibly already know. you quit playing the game.

[ManicReptile21]

lol this confusion is probably because you live in new zealand which i heard is a very religious and sacred country. lots of brainwashing lol- but uh- i think you hust really need to loosen up. you like who you like, you shouldn't let a little fear take that from you.

[dfiant]

New Zealand is one of the few countries that recognise same sex unions, so it's not as religious as you might think. New Zealand is not unlike USA or Australia in the sense that it has a rich cultural history with it's natives.

But back on topic, I agreed 100% with Jay. The strong religious stance against homosexuality that has been pounded into you psyche is clouding your thoughts and fueling your fears. You must let you mind learn that homosexuals (and homosexuality) are just a fact of life, religion can't explain everything, but it certainly can condemn everything.

As for coming out, it has already been said, don't feel pressured to come out. Compared to learning about yourself, accepting yourself and learning to live with yourself, coming out is a relatively minor after thought. You don't HAVE to come out before you are ready, the time will present itself sometime in the future and it will just happen when the time is right.

Welcome to Gayspeak, you will find a lot of friends here that are willing to listen and will understand your thoughts and fears

[red06sc]

you arent the only one going threw this

[azulai]

ANY comments here would be awesome. I have been hesitant about posting here and even signing up for the pure fact that... omg am i really signing up to a gay forum?

LOL. I think I posted something similar in my first post.
Welcome to GS! I hope you get as addicted to this place as I am. :biggrin:
There are people who truly care here, there is a lot of wisdom in old threads, and don't be afraid to ask your questions.

I agree with the words of the other posters. Just take your time and don't let anyone pressure you. That "me" time is so important. Allow yourself time to feel confident, happy and at peace. You don't have to rush to label yourself either.

I had a great battle raging on whether "coming out" was something I should do or whether it was no one's business. I can be quite independent, argumentative and stubborn. :tongue:

Everyone has unique circumstances and you need to listen to your heart and your head. You'll just know when and who you are ready to tell, if you choose to do so.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

You just got hugged by a person of the same gender. How did it feel? Warm? Pleasant? Did you maybe get a little aroused? It's okay.

To me it seems like it's not that big of a deal for you yourself if you are bi or gay, and that's good..Don't worry. Explore a bit, maybe? Watch gay porn, try meeting guys...just see how it goes. If you are Bi or gay, I guarantee you that it will make you happy to be with a guy and you shouldn't stop yourself from following those feelings just because of your parents. Homosexuality is not a sin. Be happy. :]

[James]

Hello and welcome dm6, just cause you signed up doesnt mean anything. your exploring and thats ok, there are many great people here, we are all the same except for one minor context. Please look around and read the posts and know we are your friends gay or not because of our pasts, peace, james