Parents. Need Help/Advice

[Brandon1269]

Hello.
I came out to my friends and family a couple months ago. My friends were very accepting of me. My family is on the meh side as my sister accepted me while my parents didn't. My parents were raised on strict, asian, traditional values. They lived in the 80's during the AIDS crisis and began to have a thing against gays. Being a 16 year old, things can get very traumatizing.

My mom made a comment about gays during a commercial on TV. She says we are disgusting, AID-ridden, promiscuous people. (She says she doesn't insult anyone, but yet she does.) I intervened and reminded her that her son is gay, but she denies that I am. Just because I don't follow the stereotypes doesn't mean that I'm not gay. But she insists that I don't look like one or act like one. Being gay only means that you're attracted to men; in her case it means being girly, woman-like... etc. Then she began attacking me with comments such as "You are not gay! You were not like this when you were young!" and "He doesn't care about our feelings. You told your friends that you are gay when you aren't and now they're gonna talk bad things about you. Your friends made you think you're gay." HELLO?! I've been hiding this from people since I was about 5 years old; afraid to tell people at the time. And there's a reason why my friends are friends with me. They love me for who I am. Clearly, my mom has a false belief on friends since she doesn't have any. Then she made one final comment "If he wants to get sick and die, go ahead. We don't care." I was furious.

To add to all of this, my dad joined in on the comments. I thought he was a very understanding guy at first, but I was wrong. Instead of calming her down, he accused me of putting boys ahead of my education. I've always been hard-working and work has always been my priority; boys come after. After an hour of never-ending arguments of 2 vs 1, I had enough and stormed out of the room.

I've never felt so depressed and sad in my life since that night. Why can't they love me for the son I am without accusing me of false ideas and holding them against me? Why must they make me feel like crap for no apparent reason? I know people accept things slower than others, but that doesn't mean you should attack other people for your benefit. I need help/advice on getting through these troubling times and dealing with my parents since they take me/bring me to and from school everyday.

[OrphanPip]

Your parents sound, to an extent, like they are being ordinary overbearing parents trying to direct how you live your life. There's not much you can do to avoid that, gay or straight. Your mother's denial is unfortunate, but I'm guessing she's probably still trying to come to terms with it. Think on the bright side, I think it's better that they try to be interested in your life in the wrong way rather than them turning you out. They act that way because they care, but they don't know how to deal with you being gay, which is probably not what they have been imagining in the future they planned out from the moment you were born.

[marshlander]

The way of the warrior is never easy. Sometimes, and specially when you need transport to school, the path of least resistance is the most useful. :tongue:

Parents are weird beings (I am a parent and grandparent, so feel qualified to comment ). One parent says something, whether born out of knowledge, prejudice, or whether they are repeating something they've no idea about but just thought they heard someone say once, and the other one has to agree, because the consequences of not agreeing are usually too awful to contemplate. :eek: So, child gets caught in the middle and nothing is solved. Give them time. However weird it might seem that no one ever questions how a teenager knows they are straight when they are sixteen, the same logic never applies to gay offspring. It is always assumed we are mistaken.

Your mum is wrong about relationships. Many, many gay men form strong, stable, loving and faithful relationships. The biggest problem most of us ever encounter is the attitudes of those who think they need to make some comment about us, when they would never dream of saying something similar about a straight relationship.

I've been with my man for many years. We both plan to be together for a lot longer.

[pellaz]

eek, your 16 and on your own.

look for a LGBT organization community or school based that had counseling.

[Brandon1269]

Thanks for the responses
They do seem a bit overbearing. I could never go out and hang with friends or even with family because they fear what would happen to me. I will give em time to think about it. In the mean time however, I'll just try to steer clear of any trouble with them. My mom is just hard to understand sometimes, so I'll let her be. I got to forgive them as they are my parents <3. I'm planning to join my school's GSA as soon as I hear from it.

[LateBloomer]

Hello.
I came out to my friends and family a couple months ago. My friends were very accepting of me. My family is on the meh side as my sister accepted me while my parents didn't. My parents were raised on strict, asian, traditional values. They lived in the 80's during the AIDS crisis and began to have a thing against gays. Being a 16 year old, things can get very traumatizing.

My mom made a comment about gays during a commercial on TV. She says we are disgusting, AID-ridden, promiscuous people. (She says she doesn't insult anyone, but yet she does.) I intervened and reminded her that her son is gay, but she denies that I am. Just because I don't follow the stereotypes doesn't mean that I'm not gay. But she insists that I don't look like one or act like one. Being gay only means that you're attracted to men; in her case it means being girly, woman-like... etc. Then she began attacking me with comments such as "You are not gay! You were not like this when you were young!" and "He doesn't care about our feelings. You told your friends that you are gay when you aren't and now they're gonna talk bad things about you. Your friends made you think you're gay." HELLO?! I've been hiding this from people since I was about 5 years old; afraid to tell people at the time. And there's a reason why my friends are friends with me. They love me for who I am. Clearly, my mom has a false belief on friends since she doesn't have any. Then she made one final comment "If he wants to get sick and die, go ahead. We don't care." I was furious.

To add to all of this, my dad joined in on the comments. I thought he was a very understanding guy at first, but I was wrong. Instead of calming her down, he accused me of putting boys ahead of my education. I've always been hard-working and work has always been my priority; boys come after. After an hour of never-ending arguments of 2 vs 1, I had enough and stormed out of the room.

I've never felt so depressed and sad in my life since that night. Why can't they love me for the son I am without accusing me of false ideas and holding them against me? Why must they make me feel like crap for no apparent reason? I know people accept things slower than others, but that doesn't mean you should attack other people for your benefit. I need help/advice on getting through these troubling times and dealing with my parents since they take me/bring me to and from school everyday.

Sorry to hear about this story. But realize two things:

1) Sometimes (and maybe not in your case) parents are traumatized when they hear news like this. It's almost like a death. The death of the son they "thought" they had. They want to know what you did with him and might even wanna punish you for destroying him. They don't realize that son never existed in the first place.

(Tangent: It's been said of marriage, you marry THREE people 1) You marry the person you THINK they are 2) You marry the person they REALLY are, and 3) You marry the person they're GONNA BE.) This is the same idea of what I'm talking about.

2) One day, when you can find some peace, maybe you can also find the ability to FORGIVE your parents. There's a real POWER in forgiveness.

Speaking personally, I needed to forgive my father at one point, but I couldn't stop being angry and resentful about it until I was old enough to have finished college and moved out of the house. Time and distance will heal all wounds.

Best wishes.

[DRIMO]

"My parents were raised on strict, asian, traditional values."

Chinese?

[bariuke]

"My parents were raised on strict, asian, traditional values."

Chinese?

Wow. Let's not assume now. This could be a lot of things besides Chinese, like:

Korean
Japanese
Filipino
Mongolian
Laotian
Thai
Taiwanese
Vietnamese
Hmong

The list goes own. Why does it matter, anyway?

[dfiant]

I also would assume Chinese or Korean, but knowing what asian race would help because traditions are vastly different between asian cultures.

Either way, it's a horrible horrible situation to live in and their opinions are not based on fact, not even an iota of truth in their prejudices, so their opinions have been based on propaganda (China and North Korea are renown for this), and not on education. I believe at one point intravenous drug users were responsible for the spread of HIV more so than the Gays.

Some people are just so set in their ways that there will never every be anyway to change their way of thinking, and this is something that you are going to have to rtake into account.

I would suggest leaving brochures around for them to read on GLBT issues, maybe even a leaflet on PFLAG so they can in their own time connect with other parents of gay and lesbian teens...but something tells me that this may not be a good idea and may inflame issues or create new issues with your parents.

I would say, as tough as it seems, live your life the way that you feel happy and comfortable, if people don't accept your sexuality, then that is not your problem. Just DON'T flaunt your sexuality, just be yourself, they may come around and start to accept or open the lines of communication.

Keep us posted

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Story of my life, bro.

There isn't much you can do right now but stand your grounds and buckle up. It is likely that they will eventually accept it, but it could be a very bumpy ride till you move out or whatever. And yeah, it's totally fucking frustrating, but what can you do about it? Just..like the guys on here told me once, take those frustrations out here, on the internet, on this forum, or use other activities for that purpose...And it also hurts a lot sometimes, but that way you see people for who they really are..Hold on man!