I'm strong-willed, determined, cool, and enthusiastic and the "golden boy" in most situations hahaha....but I've got some trauma associated with my sexuality; I've been through alot, and most of it starts with...dun-dun-DUNNN...yup, dear old DAD. I don't blame him, but he wasn't really THERE for me, and when he was he was REALLY scary; abusive, yelling, super-crackhead....it's pretty much put me OFF of men, and interacting with them ENTIRELY. I'm masculine, and I like boxing, football, UFC etc, and I enjoy my own masculinity personally (Gawd I love being a Boy!  ) lol But the thing that REALLY hurts....the thing I can't get over...is how he said "If your gay, I'll disown you"....what a bastard.....I hate him more than words can express, but why does that bother me so much? Then there's the good 'ol gay community to turn to....lots of older men trying to "pop a squat" whenever, and WHEREVER they can....all the guys I've been with have been older than me (by almost 20 or more years....wtf I know right? *smacks head* )
So I really HAVEN'T COME TO TERMS WITH MY SEXUALITY....I dissociate it...I do whatever I can to keep it suppressed and out of conscious awareness....I'm tired of being with men for them only to treat me like a dildo....my dad is like pushing me into this, with his asinine ways, but the behavior/actions of the gay men I came into contact with is pushing me back out....I can't relax and enjoy sex because I'm nervous as FUCK with guys...and not to mention I'm like "Old Spice to an Old Man"....lmao I'm turned on by older men, and younger men alike, but I just can't get "comfortable" enough to be my full self in the bedroom.
I just don't know how to come to terms with this....I really don't belong ANYWHERE....I just feel lost, and angry with the world....I won't lie....I want to be cool with being gay....if that's what I'm supposed to be...
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It's natural to want validation from your own family, regardless of how badly they have treated you. If he disowns you, I know it will tear you apart, but ask yourself, who is the one that has the real problem? It certainly isn't your fault as you have done nothing wrong.
You need to grow, no one discovers their sexuality and thinks 'Oh yeah, whatever'. It a process, a growing process where you learn so many things about yourself and come to terms with everything in your life, it's not easy and many time you will fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but have faith in that light because it really is there so keep pushing forward in your life and don't look back.
Stop meeeting older guys, by the sounds of it you are over sexualising your interactions with men, you need to open your heart and let the love in, feel the love and stop thinking that being homosexual is about sex and sex only, it is 100 times more about love than sex. These older guys are abusing you, if you really want to learn about yourself, find a guy closer to your age at a similar stage as you are in your life and you can grow together.
Just stop trying so hard to be something you aren't, forget about stereotypes (and trying to be an individual like everyone else) and where you fit, gay men are allowed to be masculine. Just go about life and create your own niche in life.
You'll be ok ;-)
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I know I haven't done anything wrong; I just think ALL gay men are like my father....I don't want to be touched, and yet I'm STARVED for it....every male/man I ever met in my life that I shared a 'close' (and by close I mean verbal, and light conversation with) bond with has always done something to make me resent my sexuality even more; it's like opening Pandora's Box...you know there are HORRIBLE things in there, and you figure you'd be better off just letting it be....but 'something' prompts you to open it anyway....
I know what the intentions of these older men are.......all of which revulse me.....they can't even match my sex drive, and I won't waste it on them either....they don't even understand that I'd be wasting my time, effort, and energy on them when they only want a sample....they're like gnats I swear, you beat one off, and there comes another....jeezus.....finding young men my age is rough, where I live...they're either "living out loud, and loooooooooving it!!!!" or "Dude, I'm NOT under ANY circumstances GAY!!" I get along with straight guys because I'm just a guy like them...except I'm not....
Anyway, I don't know why I'm gay....god is a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE thing, to do this to me....I could've made a wife, and children happy....I don't want to be barren, and not have any kids....they're my life, my future....I believe VERY strongly in procreation....passing on the seeds of wisdom to our youth, to empower, and enlighten them so they can shape a better world....How can I do that if I don't pass me seeds on? They must grow to maturation, and achieve the nourishment, adulation, and love needed to grow and become those children...
If it means sacrificing my urges, so be it; I can't, CANNOT live a life without children, without being the father I know I can be in my heart....I refuse to be anything other than than that.
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My GREATEST fear is holding a man somehow 'responsible' for making me feel good in ANYWAY shape or form....letting him touch me and enjoy it....I instantly go on the defensive....I know I enjoy when a guy touches me, but I can't MENTALLY enjoy it without associating it with some kind of 'pain' that will come if I do....so I taught myself how to 'disconnect' from it.....to push it to another part of my mind, and in effect, 'forget' what I felt, thought, or did....I've been getting by, and virtually stress free, but every now, and then, I feel so sad I want to just die....
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I recognize several things you're talking about in myself except the parts of older men. I haven't had a heavenly upraise with my father, neither hellish either. He has always pushed me to far into things and when I disagree he become passive and silent, always made me feeling guilty and that everything was my fault.
I am not sure where my sexual orientation is, I got strong urges to be with men but my unconsciousness tells me not to and I am horrified that anyone would find out. I might be young but the though of children also pops up, as some day i would love to have one and it isn't the same with a kid from China, Africa or whatever I want a kid of the same flesh and blood as me.
I just wish I were hetero as my life would be very less complicated. I know if i get out like those youngsters you spoke of I would loose many dear to me, I am to surrounded by homophobic and anti gay persons. I am not the screaming proud gay, I don't care if others know I'm gay it will bring me more agony if I just hold it silent, I am still the same person, only difference is I... like men. As a person here said, its strange that gays are expected to go around being so open sexually, its not like every hetero guy walks around bragging about how much they love pussy.
If you've been living in the same city all life, try to move out of it, start over from the start in a new town with other opportunities. I think this is a problem you should take with a psychologist, you associate other men to much with your father who you only seek to love but your upraise with him has made you rather defensive. Everyone wants love from they're parents.
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Stop looking to God for answers, there seems to be a conflict there, look to nature and biology.
I'm not saying stop believing in God, I'm just saying that God doesn't have all the answers and sometimes you have to look elsewhere.
But on a religious note, why do you think God has blessed you with this challenge?
Read the last sentence of my first reply, and keep reading it over and over again, the answer is there ;-)
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I don't believe god holds all the answers....not by a LONG shot....in fact, I think "God" is man's way of explaining away, or justifying the presence or absence of things external, and even internal and integral to himself....it's mans way of making sense of the microcosm he dwells within....I think of God as nothing more than a grain of salt in the spoon used to stir us about really; I'm not lead by blind faith; just lost in confusion and desperation; do keep in mind dfiant; these behaviors weren't modeled out for us; we we're taught to be straight/heterosexual because that was what was believed to be the "de-facto sexual standard" so I'm sure you could imagine that there would be some "cognitive dissonance" experienced in young, and older men alike who haven't come to terms with their sexuality....I'm do enjoy being with males sexually, but I mentally am still in the "dissonant" phase....is there any more "expedient" way to reduce this?
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Aester, we call this "Defensive yet loving" stance one of "Disorganized Attachment"....the child shows virtually NO sign of pleasure with the sight of the parent, yet when beckoned, the child goes, dazed looking, and possibly dissociated (spaced out). I NEVER wanted to love my father, or mother; I wasn't responded to with ANY affection, or feeling, so i pretty much cut my feelings off; there's nothing to FEEL when one has not FELT truly before.
You say all men aren't my father, and this is true; and yet are all men, not of the same source? Do they not function an fundamentally the same principals of spreading their seed, (be that for procreation, or RECREATION?) I think the latter option bears all the seeds for a fruitless and barren life. I can provide myself with all the necessities needed to make my life what I want it to be. I only feel "sad" or "dejected" when I'm with them....in their lies, talking, partaking in conversation with them.
To be honest, I've developed this PROFOUND feeling of "misanthropy" of people; I always feel they're something of a burden, an irritation, and if the world would be spared them, it would be no large loss to the planet....The only purpose of life is to scramble MADLY at whatever particular philosophy floats your spiritual boat for the day....it's all about getting to the end of the day....1 day down, how many ever left to go?
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My advice to you is to seek out counseling from a fully-liscened professional with experience in gay men and women. (the last thing you want to do is meet with a counselor who thinks you can "pray away the gay" or something more destructive like reparative therapy). I'm absolutly sure you can find one in your area!
Now, i offer this advice because you're dealing with some VERY DEEP and POWERFUL emotions. No one on this site is qualified to really walk you though these issues. It may make you feel akward coming to terms with the fact that you may need a mental health professional to help you work thru these issues - but i went to one when i came out (and thru my divorce) and it made a HUGE difference on how i was able to truely accept who i was, love who i am, and fully embrace the fact that GOD does not make junk, and he made me, so i'm ok!
WIsh you all the best!
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OsirisGuy, maybe you would consider seeing a shrink about your sexuality issues? It might help to be able to talk to someone who might help you find some solutions. Of course, if speaking to us on GaySpeak does the trick for you, then so be it, but some people are really qualified to help you see what's wrong (if it is wrong) in your psyche and to extirpate the blocages that are lying around your heart and head.
You have already gathered that your uneasiness around men is related to your perception of your father. I'm guessing that, at the same time, you are seeking that loving father spirit (which is maybe why you fall for older guys) and are normally attracted to lads your own age, which looks more 'normal'. Maybe you are on the cusp of realising that you can find love and appreciation with a man. All it would take would be finding the right soul mate, the right spirit in the right body. Not an easy task, I know, but these things happen when we are either NOT looking for them, or when we finally happen to let some of those barriers down.
How close are you to being comfortable with yourself, and how close are you to telling your dad that you don't care what he thinks, and that it's YOUR life, after all? There's an adolescent in you yearning to scream at him for his intolerance and his unacceptance of who you are. That anger is quite normal, but it is thwarting you. What could you do to make him wake up? What do you think will happen if you tell him? Are you afraid of severing all ties with the man?
Whatever you do, take care. 
PA
Oh, and, your father must have wronged you deeply which probably explains why you so badly want your own children and want to show them a more enlightened way to live. Being gay does NOT mean not having children (I should know, my boyfriend has 6 of his own!). In this day and age, there are any number of solutions to procreate and still live an active gay man's life. Well, of course, if you're raising the children, you won't have much of a life of your own, but that's what happens to all family raising people.
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How to come to terms with the terms of your life
