Our family Vengalil is descendants from the old noble Vengalil family tree and has been rather fortune in our past. We live by good standards but we can not call our selfs royalties as our ancestors, just a regular upper-class family, but our customs still lives on.
Anyhow arrange marriage is a big tradition in Indian and our tradition and it frightens me very much. I have delayed as much as I can but many is getting very annoyed and I get constantly nagged by it, many gets married in earlier days then me. I haven't even meet the girl yet, its 'dishonor' to do so before the marriage, but how would it last if we can't get along? The only thing I know is that her name is Svadhi.
Lately I have suddenly grew a strong urge for men, can not stop thinking about then no matter how much i try. I have also had many romantic wet dreams, just me and another making out and humping, its pretty embarrassing when my mother goes through my laundry and telling me its time for me to get a wife.
I have never considered my self as gay before but I am starting to reconsidering it. It also worries me a lot cause its still taboo with it and I know that no one will understand it. As I am neither intimately experience as you shall be pure to the wedding I can't judge if its just a phase, but I do not want to be promised away to a stranger, even less if I am not turned on by women either.
This saddens me and confuses me even more, what shall I do? I can not leave my family, not at least in India, our family and I are high caste and leaving them would only make me an outcaste, worthless in our society, but I can not be openly gay either, that would only make them throw me out of the family and make me outcaste to. Our religion doesn't ban homosexuality and is not against it but our conservative customs are, everyone looks down upon gays as vermin, dogs.
But what can i do?  Anyone?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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a gay in a straight marriage
-if gay, you will not make a good husband, but you could make a good parent. is divorce an option in your culture and who gets custody of the children? just an option you d\could explore, granted this would tie up your life for a few years.
gay men are thought to be consistently about 3-5% of any population.
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Geet, I am sorry that you are having this predicament, because clearly there are few options for you.
You could refuse to get married, maybe use your band and music to justify that you can't have a family, but that's not going to please your family. What's more, you have no experience and the only way to acquire some, would be to find some gay groups, which would be easier to find in a big city, I should imagine.
I can understand why you shouldn't want to marry a woman, even if you can make the marriage work on some levels, because you feel you'd be betraying her and yourself.
We will be in a difficult position to advise you without seeing things through a western prism... so... I don't know what we can do except answer your questions and give you moral support. Let us know more about your situation.
Take care...
PA
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pellaz Wrote:a gay in a straight marriage
-if gay, you will not make a good husband, but you could make a good parent. is divorce an option in your culture and who gets custody of the children? just an option you d\could explore, granted this would tie up your life for a few years.
gay men are thought to be consistently about 3-5% of any population.
That is horribly cruel and unfair to the woman. A marriage doesn't involve simply one person. It's not fair to use another person like that.
I agree with PA, it is difficult to advise you from a Western perspective, my inclination is to place yourself above the interest of your family.
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OrphanPip Wrote:That is horribly cruel and unfair to the woman. It's not fair to use another person like that. I agree with PA, it is difficult to advise you from a Western perspective,
divorce is cruel, unfair... etc welcome to life boo.
an arranged marriage, even if he is indeed straight, is more cruel.
Geet Wrote:Lately I have suddenly grew a strong urge for men, can not stop thinking about then no matter how much i try. I have also had many romantic wet dreams, just me and another making out and I have never considered my self as gay before but I am starting to reconsidering it.
just make sure your very very gay and nothing in between. clinically gays men are a small percentage of the population, why should you be included in the group? on the other hand protect your options, if you have real spendable money at your disposal get legal council. that is if you can get involved in the marriage agreement.
again if you are gay its not a life style, you cant become straight with out breaking something inside you
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I'm afraid Geet may be cornered, Pellaz... and not have much choice in the matter, whatever his sexual orientation. He's not going to be able to choose, unless he breaks away from his family. And that will hurt.
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pellaz Wrote:divorce is cruel, unfair... etc welcome to life boo.
an arranged marriage, even if he is indeed straight, is more cruel.
Yes, life is unfair sure is a convenient excuse for any behaviour, the statement implies nothing other than a nihilistic amorality. I would disagree that an arranged marriage is equivalently wrong (not to bring in the old cliche of two wrongs, yatayata), as whether he enters into that marriage or not, however difficult it is for him to avoid it, would be his choice. It would be wrong for others to force him into it, but that does not justify going into it with the intention of manipulating someone else. Going in with the intention of using another person as a means to ones own selfish ends, without their knowledge, is nothing more than abusive.
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Manvendra Singh Gohil is openly gay, though apparently his relationship with his family is strained.
I also once dated a guy who was in an arranged marriage. He married the girl in Pakistan (I know, India and Pakistan don't get along) and then moved to the States shortly after. I know breaking his relationship with his family was a strain on him, but he made the decision that would make him happiest in his life.
Inevitably, you will have to decide what makes you the happiest and then act accordingly. No one here can tell you that. It is something you will have to find for yourself.
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Its so hard. Arranged marriage is more built in honor and duty then in the western society. The parents choose who they think will be the most suitable caste wise, rumors, wealth & status and obviously who they respect the most. Mostly they choose a daughter or a son of a close friend of them to honor them.
I could divorce her but it would require a strong reason why, and it always ends up in rivalry between the family as the family is the foundation in an Indian life, but also it is the wife that gets married into my family and 'leaves' (Not correctly true but couldn't find the right word) her family to join the husbands. As there is many parts that is involved and has to decide on who they find suitable. (Also note that there are many different kind of people in India... Punjabi, Hindi and Bengali are just some of them and they are sort of different.)
Me my self aren't very wealthy, but my family is, and as I am a part of it do I get access to it, but if i leave my family do I only got the money I get from my music and that isn't enough to have a stable salary on. I have many times wondered about to escape the country but it would only end in the same path... With no cash and lack of the right education will I just be living by the same standards as an outcaste. I am not saying I do not got education but I do not think there is an interest for Indian music in a foreign country.
A family is a pack, if my music gets famous and I have some day move to Bollywood they will follow me as I am a part of the family and the family is a part of me.
I do not know what I want, as i love my family dearly to, my only wish is for acceptance which will never be accomplished
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this post is difficult ( frustrated ).
seek out a gay friend with benefits, someone level headed and wants the same thing as your self and married himself. the important part here is you two would be able to trust each other. all this to try to delay the inevitable implosion of your marriage. i know this is unacceptable; horribly cruel and unfair. plus a big bad... is its immoral.
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