Boyfriend offers something unacceptable. Please reply

[ZackT]

The distance may be too much right now.

My sister lives in Oklahoma and she's studied for 2 terms in Manchester, met a boy there she really liked and they dated while she was there. But then they called it off when she had to come back home because it'd be over a year before she could come back over there and they didn't want to deal with the trouble of ties.

My suggestion is something similar. The guy may be great, but it sounds like he doesn't want a long distance relationship and it'll be better in the long run for both of you to just let it go, at least for now.

[jbrowder24]

I had an ex that started to act a similar way after a few months of long-distance. Just started closing up more. Made me upset and worried, and he'd say he had some sort of wall, as if that was his an excuse. But he hadn't had a wall before, so why did he need it now?

Unfortunately in my case, it did turn out to be that he'd reconnected with someone in his past and didn't know how to proceed with me without hurting my feelings - not realzing he hurt my feelings far more doing what he did, than had he just been honest. This might not be the case for you - my ex had been with more guys/boyfriends than I had, which is different than your boyfriend - but it does make me wonder if he's being honest that it just hurts that much, that he is putting up a wall and really not meeting others, as opposed to trying to distance himself from you.

On the other side, I am someone that still went out with friends during that time and had dating profiles up on a few sites (though did take some down) for friend purposes. And unlike him, I was faithful to him and honest about everything being for friends.

If he is being honest with you about closing off because he doesn't want to feel hurt, perhaps the best thing to do is to be honest - promise him that he's the one you want; that you will be faithful and come back to him. If he's just afraid of getting hurt, he may be trying to prepare himself for the blow - let him know you want him very much and to be romantic because you miss him and want him.

[zeon]

Hello,
Its good that you find this forum useful... I have re read the post and re read what you replied to me and to be honest matey your better off without him... You sound a nice caring person by the way your putting your words in context hoever he doesnt deserve someone like you because he sounds a control freak by telling you you cannot ask him a question he asks you??? A relationship works two ways and its about giving and taking emotionally in any relationship and his taking but not giving by the sounds of it... Dont get down you will find another person and settle down and it may give you a lift eventually once your set up and sorted and ready to do it come out to people about yourself... I noticed alot of people who get depressed in life are closeted gay men who feel they cannot admit one thing in life to people for different reasons which is why places like this are fantastic
]
Kindest regards and big hugz chin up little one

Zeon xx

[Kyle]

Kyle

The side bar says your 20, I assume he is around your age. Many, perhaps most who are in their early 20's do a lot of stupid things because the world is a brand new exciting place and they are full of the new awesome power of being an adult with all of the freedom that that implies, but not enough wisdom to temper that freedom with responsibility.

In your case, enough time passed for him to understand that he isn't THAT in love with you to wait.

So we have a young man who is full of...... you know, with lots of energy, lots of time, and surrounded by a world that provides him with as many other young, dumb and full of..... you know males to play with.

I advise you to seriously consider what it is that YOU want. And look around and see if you can find someone who wants either what you want, or something that is compatible.

I also hope that you seriously reconsider dating a 'first timer' in future, since many first timers once they discover the joys of Gay Cooking, want to eat until they explode.

Thank you for your reply. Also you don't say anything which may comfort me at the moment maybe you are saying truth. Your post gives me an opportunity to say some more information about my boyfriend.

Yes, I am 20 and my boyfriend is 20 as well. He's just few months older than me and gonna turn 21 soon. I know we are young but we have never lived like other 20-year-old guys do. My boyfriend (I have no idea what our future will be like but I still call him my boyfriend) studied very well at the university. Graduated in this summer with GPA more than 3.9. He has been working for some famous international companies back in our country and he has been wearing shirt and tie for last two years. He has a salary that any middle aged man would wish. He constantly got promoted at work and few months ago he got offer from other company and changed the job. I mean he's still 20 year old guy but lives a life of a 40-year-old man. I can not say I don't like that. I like how serious and hard-working he is. somehow we balance each other. I can not say I am less talented than him but I am lazier and he used to be a person who encouraged very much. being in a relationship with him I significantly raised my GPA. He always checked my motivation letters and always gave me advice. in return, I always took him out of his hectic lifestyle. with me he became as sociable as never before, we were hanging out at weekends, walking together and chilling out at cafes.

You say above that he is a young guy with lots of energy, lots of time, and surrounded by a world that provides him with many other young males. That's something I don't agree and I will give you more information and you'll see. He works five days a week from morning till evening and he doesn't have too much energy to have fun on weekdays, neither has time. Well, he has weekends and if he wants he can do anything but he doesn't live in a world which provides with many young males because, he knows he's handsome, clever, ambitious, rich, from a nice family, his family members are public figures. considering all these things he will never or hardly find a suitable guy on dating website. actually that is the reason why he didn't have sex before 19 (before he met me). In some ways I am like him, I hardly find a person with whom I would like to start a relationship which is more than a friendship. I am very friendly person but I hardly like someone to be my boyfriend so an year ago when I registered on dating website my profile description was something not realistic, I was looking for a really special guy (I even wrote that I wanted my boyfriend to speak several foreign languages) and in the end I stated that I wanted my boyfriend to be like that because I was like that. as later I talked to my boyfriend he said he registered on that website because he liked my profile so much, that it was exactly what he was looking for.

So the chance that he will find a boyfriend which will be perfect for him is very little, he can have sex with someone hot, chat with someone clever but he's too good to find boyfriend. Once after our stressing conversations he told me there was no point to be jealous and nervous because he was sure he couldn't find anyone, he just wanted to feel freedom that if he wanted he could meet someone. I talked to his friend recently and she told me he is as he used to be before meeting me. selfish guy, oriented on career and self development who doesn't seem to be able to love anyone ever. He leads always by brain and always puts he's emotions somewhere in the last rows.

I think I know what I want. I want a relationship with another guy, with love, with sex, having common friends etc. hanging out together, traveling together, spending vacations together. Later possibly living together and if I go far far making a family. I have talked about this to my boyfriend and we perfectly understood each other. We knew where we wanted to live, what to do. Now it's irony but we have talked a lot about our kid's sex. We really spend time to decide a girl was better or a boy. I'm shocked and devastated now because we had pretty much everything and everything was just so fine and now I feel like I have nothing. I have lost all my motivation. I'm somehow lost, can't think about my future without him. I'm not going to look around because, first I don't feel like everything's over with him and second I am living abroad now and falling in love with local is the least I want to do.

About first timer, honestly I don't like virgin guys. I don't feel OK to kiss them or have sex with them because I feel like I am a teacher or something but my boyfriend's case was different, I started to love him 10 times more when I learned he was virgin. It's not that I'm insecure or something in sexual life. I have had sex with guys who had done it before many times and I have got compliments and my confidence is just fine but I don't know, I really liked I was his first guy and I believe I'm still the only.

[Kyle]

Unfortunately in my case, it did turn out to be that he'd reconnected with someone in his past and didn't know how to proceed with me without hurting my feelings - not realzing he hurt my feelings far more doing what he did, than had he just been honest. This might not be the case for you - my ex had been with more guys/boyfriends than I had, which is different than your boyfriend - but it does make me wonder if he's being honest that it just hurts that much, that he is putting up a wall and really not meeting others, as opposed to trying to distance himself from you.

If he is being honest with you about closing off because he doesn't want to feel hurt, perhaps the best thing to do is to be honest - promise him that he's the one you want; that you will be faithful and come back to him. If he's just afraid of getting hurt, he may be trying to prepare himself for the blow - let him know you want him very much and to be romantic because you miss him and want him.

You really pointed out interesting things. Yes, that's different in our stories, my boyfriend doesn't have anyone from past to reconnect. well, he has dated two guys and kissed them but I know my boyfriend and I know what kind of guys they are and now as my boyfriend knows what gay life is, he'll never even kiss them. Talking about meeting new guys I don't contradict, that's possible but my boyfriend isn't a guy who can find other guy in a week or two or even a months, and he's not gonna meet many guys. as I said above, he hardly finds someone whom he thinks is worth to be with.
The idea that he is feeling hurt is the most realistic. He hates when he gets emotional and I am sure all this waiting thing was too much for him. He was amazed by his behavior when I was back with him. He couldn't imagine he would be in love with a guy, he never thought there would be someone whom he would send messages with kisses and hugs but he did. Now when I am not with him his ego became bigger and he wants no one but himself. He honestly told me "I'm a bad person, I get too emotional while thinking of you and I hate myself, I get crabby. I need to stop talking to you to feel better. I know I am hurting you but I can't help. I suggest you to do the same, forget me, have fun there." To me that's pretty much break up. Although a week ago he told me that didn't mean break up or that he didn't love me. I don't know what to think now. "Don't think about me and don't be nervous, at least because I don't." That doesn't give me any hope that I can save our relationship but I know when I am back to my country things might change.
P.S. nice to know you are Leo, somehow I believe in star signs.

[Kyle]

Hello,
Its good that you find this forum useful...
I have re read the post and re read what you replied to me and to be honest matey your better off without him...
You sound a nice caring person by the way your putting your words in context hoever he doesnt deserve someone like you because he sounds a control freak by telling you you cannot ask him a question he asks you???
A relationship works two ways and its about giving and taking emotionally in any relationship and his taking but not giving by the sounds of it...
Dont get down you will find another person and settle down and it may give you a lift eventually once your set up and sorted and ready to do it come out to people about yourself... I noticed alot of people who get depressed in life are closeted gay men who feel they cannot admit one thing in life to people for different reasons which is why places like this are fantastic
]
Kindest regards and big hugz chin up little one

Zeon xx

Yes, I do find this forum useful. When I am posting here I am totally into writing and I feel better. The hard time is when my roommate is gone, then I hardly control myself to keep my tears.
I can tell you a little story from my previous weekend. Last weekend I went to Latvia, that was the least I wanted to do that time but I had tickets bought a month earlier. I had to do all the activities what was planned including going to club on Saturday evening. I was feeling OK but extremely missing my boyfriend and I got sad and people around my table told me "If you are sad go home because you ruin our moods too." and I felt hurt and left place. In Latvia I had roaming and as it turned out due their prices I had only one message on my phone credit so I texted my boyfriend about that evening and how badly I was missing him and wanted to hug him. I didn't get any reply but he texted me back next morning saying that he was out on Saturday evening and had fun so I had to to the same and stop thinking of him...
about question asking back. No, he did let me to ask that, I wanted to say that he made me believe that the least possible thing was that he would cheat on me. As long as I had sex before him he was afraid that I could cheat, he used to think that I could take having sex less seriously but when we talked about him, he was absolutely sure he wasn't going to cheat on me and I believed in him more than in me. That's why I left him and came here.
He used to take and give for all the period when I was there (I mean sharing love and feelings). also in a financial way, he has much bigger salary than I do so he used to pay for my drinks and food when we were hanging out, that made me feel "not OK" but he always told me that was fine. For exactly two months since I left him, we had very nice conversations, telling each other every detail of our day. regularly talking on Skype and suddenly this. That's why I am so shocked and have no idea how to recover.
Yes, I am in closet because of the conservative society. I'd relieve to be out and living in a country where gays are accepted but that's not y nearest future so I feel myself comfortable here and I am very thankful for your and other guy's support.

Kyle, xx

[BobInTampa]

I read your posts and i have to say that there's a very easy solution (i hope it's not too late)...there is NOTHING wrong with your BF to have a social life and hang out with friends and do very normal things - he sould NOT feel guilty about being a normal human being. Especially if you trust he's not out having sex with guys on the side.

There's an old american saying, "The love in your heart wasn't put there to stay, love isn't love till you give it away." If you do love him, and i believe you do. ANd he loves you, and i belive he does, then just let it go and let him be. TRUST is the most important part of a relationship - especially long-distance relationships. If you adhere to the "all guys are pigs and will lie and cheat on you" mindset, then for all practical purposes, your relationship is already over - because the fear and anxieity will eat you up and he'll begin feeling entrapped and controlled.

Look, you love each other. You live apart for a while. Focus on what you both have to do right now, work, school, etc. It's only a few months. DOn't smother! Just tell him you love him and that OF COURSE he should feel free going out and having fun with friends and such. Tell him you trust him 100% and can't wait to see him soon. You also both might want to set up 1 time each day to talk on the phone. Make a "phone date" but don't text and call 300 times a day.

What do you think?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There is also another saying:

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.”

There is a lot of truth in that. The hardest thing one can do is let someone go.

You are suffering from a broken heart. I think everyone that has a heart has been where you are at least once in their life.

I promise you it will get better.... in time.

[Kyle]

I read your posts and i have to say that there's a very easy solution (i hope it's not too late)...there is NOTHING wrong with your BF to have a social life and hang out with friends and do very normal things - he sould NOT feel guilty about being a normal human being. Especially if you trust he's not out having sex with guys on the side.

There's an old american saying, "The love in your heart wasn't put there to stay, love isn't love till you give it away." If you do love him, and i believe you do. ANd he loves you, and i belive he does, then just let it go and let him be. TRUST is the most important part of a relationship - especially long-distance relationships. If you adhere to the "all guys are pigs and will lie and cheat on you" mindset, then for all practical purposes, your relationship is already over - because the fear and anxieity will eat you up and he'll begin feeling entrapped and controlled.

Look, you love each other. You live apart for a while. Focus on what you both have to do right now, work, school, etc. It's only a few months. DOn't smother! Just tell him you love him and that OF COURSE he should feel free going out and having fun with friends and such. Tell him you trust him 100% and can't wait to see him soon. You also both might want to set up 1 time each day to talk on the phone. Make a "phone date" but don't text and call 300 times a day.

What do you think?

First of all thanks that you read my post. I'm in a situation when I read every reply carefully, think about it and try to answer everyone.

I don't say that there is anything wrong with my boyfriend having a social life. He isn't active in social life so when I was leaving the country I was afraid that he would spend all the time at home so I asked his female friend to encourage him to go to clubs every weekend and I still do want him to have fun. Maybe now my unconscious thoughts are that if he hangs out with friends he won't have time or willing to date someone.

about having sex with other guys, I believe he's not but every hour I start thinking about him and when I think that he might have sex with someone I feel like I'm about to throw up. It's stressful and I try not to think about that.

After he registered on dating website and he stopped talking to me it's extremely difficult to trust him but I still can trust him, I'm not sending him messages and teaching what to do. once he said he registered there I asked him not to do something silly what could hurt me, hurt him or damage our relationship. That was him saying " I don't want to disappoint you or do something I'll regret. " But he did tell me he felt trapped. I don't know why, all our relationship was just texting everyday and talking weekly. I never asked him whether he was faithful or not or anything about faith, love or trust.
The problem started when he didn't reply to me for a half day and he was supposed to be home, but as long as he didn't reply I though he was out so when he texted me I asked if everything was OK and he said he was watching a movie and he really wanted to watch it because he wouldn't have time to watch for several next days and he didn't reply to me because we would start chatting for hours and he wouldn't have time for movie. Honestly, I felt hurt and said he could reply to me and ask that he wanted to watch movie very much and I wasn't going to start chatting endlessly. (Maybe that was selfish of me but it's just a movie you have in computer and can watch anytime and here it's me your boyfriend waiting for you to say what's happening here and ask what's going on there). Then I asked him more questions and he opened his heart to me, told me everything what he was feeling recently. I'd better didn't hear that. He said he was fighting with himself, one said of him was thinking to be faithful to me and send me all these daily messages and the other side was telling him not do so. He said he had thoughts that he couldn't understand why he was waiting for me. he said : "I graduated university, I work well, I'm successful and I want to have a private life, hang out, sex and love and I hate that I have to wait for you. yes, I am waiting for you but other side of me says that I have no obligations. I don't want to be trapped. I want to do whatever I want" and that was first shock I got. I understand love in a different way. as he says he sacrifices his life to our love when he is waiting for these several months but to me it's not a problem. I was not suffering because I had to wait, the only thing what made me sad was that I was missing him but with his messages and talking on phone I was fine and time was passing fast and everyday I was thinking about the day when we would meet and what we would say and how I would hug him. When I told him my feelings and compared to his he said I was just too good that I could wait but he said "I am bad, I thought I could wait but I can't, I found out that I am not waiting-for-a-boyfriend type of guy and I can't help it."
so I thought he already had sex with someone but then we talked (last time so far) he said he just registered on website but hadn't done anything sexual. He told me that didn't mean that he didn't love me anymore or wanted to break up but in the end he didn't kiss me, said he didn't feel like that.
for next days we kept on sending messages on Facebook and I was trying to understand him, asking what caused all this and I think the more I asked the more I worsened situation. after few days his answer was "Forget me for now, have fun there and we will talk about our relationship when you come back." So first I was worried that he could hook up with someone, later I had to worry it was not guaranteed that we would be together again once I was back. all these things happened in previous week. Now all he says is that "Have fun, study, go to gym and stop thinking about me. You should do this way because I do so." Now I don't even know if he wants to meet me and talk to me when I go back there.
So I guess he wanted to break up but he couldn't say that. but also he couldn't stand all these everyday communication. once he said that he loved me more than before but I guess it was just to comfort me (and probably he can't stop loving me that easily) later he said he wanted to meet someone and I could meet someone here as well. later he said we would talk whether we wanted to be together again or not when I would be back and now he doesn't say anything, he says "I don't think anything, just have fun and don't be depressed."

some would say I have to be furious about what he did to me, some would say I should stop loving him, some would say I should meet someone here, some would say I have to study, I have to go to gym back, I have to go to parties and have fun but I can't. My feelings are so strong towards him. everything I do is remembering how we spent 8 months together, how many places we visited, how much fun we had and how we planned our future...

what you tell me in the end, he knows that I want to be with him and I miss him but he says I shouldn't. he says it's better not to miss him and just focus on myself. We sure can't have phone dates because he doesn't want to communicate. all this leads that we broke up or we will when I go there and these are thoughts that make me feel so sad.

Only thing I am asking everyone here, do you think I should forget him forever and find my way and let him mind his life or I should stop talking to him now, try to relax and discuss everything when I go back there or I should talk to him and keep on saying how much I love him and what he means to me?

[Story]

After reading this. It sounds like your bf needs someone there physically to help satisfy his own needs. But the fact that he wants to break free is something that you should be concerned about, im tempted to tell you to break up with him. If he can't handle this Long distance relationship then he musnt really care about you as much as you do about him. Idk, ill write mire thoughts later