Boyfriend offers something unacceptable. Please reply

[Kyle]

Hello everyone!

This is my very first post here. I wanted to ask advice and Googled "Gay Forum" so here I am. I hope I will make some nice friends here.
I decided to write my story briefly and if anyone wants to ask any detail feel free.
So I met my boyfriend around 10 months ago and we fell in love and have a very strong feeling towards each other. We spent 8 months together full of joy and fun. well, some arguments too but nothing serious, never been close to break up. After 8 months I had to leave the country. (We are from south Europe, currently I study in North Europe) We promised each other to be faithful and it didn't seem difficult. I had some previous relationships before him so I thought it would be more difficult for me to spend 5 months without sex and stuff. (I have already spent 2 months here, and gonna pend 3 more.) I never doubted that my boyfriend wouldn't be able to wait for me for 5 months without dating anyone else. I am his first and only boyfriend and I was the first guy with whom he had sex. so he has never been "crazy on sex" type of guy.
Recently he stopped texting me kisses and hugs and insisted to be less romantic. (I am not native speaker so it's hard for me to explain) he asked me not to call and talk about our private lives and our relationship. I thought all the worst possible things that he met someone. He wasn't at home till very late (as I know now he was at home but not talking to me) avoided talking to me. My health was really bad for last days because I was too nervous.
Yesterday we talked and as I found out he hasn't met anyone, neither had sex with anyone else. When I talk about my boyfriend I know what I say so please don't doubt. He didn't do anything related to sex but he did register on dating website and he told me that.
He says that he needs a private life, he says it's not just having sex but he wants going out, having fun etc. He says he loves me very much and maybe even more than before, and he thinks about me every night but he says he's bad guy, selfish and even though he says sorry for putting me in this condition he can't help and he needs to feel free. and feeling free is believing that he can date anyone anytime. He says he will not, but he needs to know he can.
avoiding talking to me is explained like, he is very non-emotional person, I mean he has emotions but rarely expresses, rarely posts on Facebook. work, study, home is his style and less fun. after we met he really changed, he got tens of friends through me, joined different youth organizations with me. he became sociable. He says he thought he could wait for me for 5 months but now he feels too emotional, all these thoughts about me makes him feel sad, and he says he doesn't want to talke to me because then he misses me and feels bad. so "forgetting" me temporary is solution for him. On the other hand not talking to him just makes me feel very bad, I am far from home, no friends, no family and climate is so cold here and he was the only person I could talk to about anything I like.
I know him and I think he will not meet anyone and cheat me because he says he doesn't want to disappoint me or hurt me but still I am very worried because of the mental condition he is in now.
He says he wants to be with me when I am back and continue everything what we had but I don't understand his behavior now. If he loves me why he would date someone else? why can't he wait for me? He says he loves me much but he's too selfish. he adds he would dump me if I did the same to him.
so basically what I understand is that he wants to be in an open relationship for these 3 months. date others and then be with me when I am back. He doesn't forbid me to have someone here, he says he would go crazy if I had someone here two months ago but now he says I can have fun here. I personally like blonde guys very much and here are a lot of blond hotties but don't feel like getting known with them or dating anyone. I just miss my boyfriend.
So what do you advice me, should I date someone and forget my boyfriend for some time (I don't want to do this.) or I should wait for this time because somewhere in the deep of my heart I believe he won't date anyone. but what to do if he has sex and tells me that when I am back? I don't want to break up with him in any case but this is so unacceptable for me. I am very possessive person and I want him to be only mine. I was he's first man and I don't want to share him with somebody else.
If you weren't lazy to read all this my story just give me any advice what you think I should do. I know I jumped from one topic to another and maybe I wrote too many details but hope you understand how I feel. feel free to ask me anything.

All the best,
Kyle

[AlephNull]

This is just too fishy...

[zeon]

Hello Kyle,
Welcome to the forum first off and secondly by the sounds of it you are correct in a possible open relationship. I was with a guy who lived 800 miles away from me when i was 18 and distance isnt an easy thing to cope with in any relationship however you only get one stab at life so my best advice is draw up an agreement .. with him and set down some rules which both of you adhere to. If he wants this relationship to work he will work with you not against you. I often say to my partner and have said to previous that they are my partner not my possession and what this means is i wont control them or own them just request they are honest with me in all situations. Why not apply this to see if it helps... It may help but eitherway listen to your heart and act upon it

Best wishes

Zeon xx

[Gpbi]

Oh Lord!!!! That actually reminds me my story... Im on the 2nd year of uni in a diferrent country from which i come from... Im same from the south part of europe and i move to the north (cold is driving me craaazy!!!)

Anyways long story short when we didnt want to talk with me on skype or facebook i was just going out with friends... with straight friends in order to be sure that nothing will happend... I stayed faithfull to him...

I advise you to do the same at the end of the day you will be alright with yourself you ll know that you didnt cheated and you were as good as you could, hope that he will not react as mine when you will go back again and you will be together....
If not you know that you have given your best, simply he couldnt afford it.
Hug, George!

[BinarySurfer]

I'm sorry you are having to go through this heart tearing part of your life. From the details you provided, it seems that there could be a number of explanations.

1) It could be that he is lonely and needs some comfort, like what we call a "rebound" here in the US. A rebound is someone you meet after breaking up with a long term relationship and you only use him for temporary comfort, it's meaningless.

2) Because you are his first man, maybe he wants to get his feet wet and see what other men are like.

3) It could all be bull-poo and he wants to be with someone else

You should keep in mind that we can only see from your perspective, and you have a bias view since you want to keep him. And that we don't know him. Everything will be pure speculation.

[Blake1122]

I say this with all due respect to you ((Hugs))mile:

You are in love and when we are in love we are blinded and make excuses for the person who we are in love with. I have been there myself. All the selfish things an ex has done but yet I made excuses for him over and over. So I'm just putting it out there that hes still exploring his feelings of his sexuality which is ok but, you are being put on the sidelines and you do not deserve that. It sounds as though your looking for a committed relationship and this doesnt look like its going to last much longer. You deserve to better and If he really loved you he wouldn't have to get on a dating website to look for someone else or even think bout someone else. I remember when I was off to college and my boyfriend at the time lived back in my home town all I did was think of him and couldn't wait to see him. not one single guy crossed my mind but him. Anyway, you do what you feel is right for you because in the end its you who has to live with the decision. I really really hope this works out for you though!mile:

[posterpicture]

How do you know a love is true love?
Put it through the test.
Let him know your feeling. However, freedom is something most valuable in one's life. Many people put it above love. ( That doesn't mean they don't think love is valuable). It 's not your right to make him feel like he doesn't have the freedom to do what he wants. In fact, he can do whatever he wants ( even it means he would cheat on you ).
You can't make anyone to be YOURS. No one can make an individual soul to do what they want. However, our lover would do whatever is best for our happiness, on the own will.

Let him know that he can do whatever he wants, he can date people, experiment new things. But if he does that, he has to accept the risk of hurting and loosing you.
Also let him know that whatever his decision is, you wish him happy with that ( if you truly want him to be happy).
3 months is not that long time to be honest, some people wait for each other for years.
I hope you guys will overcome this crisis.

[LateBloomer]

I'm sorry you are having to go through this heart tearing part of your life. From the details you provided, it seems that there could be a number of explanations.

1) It could be that he is lonely and needs some comfort, like what we call a "rebound" here in the US. A rebound is someone you meet after breaking up with a long term relationship and you only use him for temporary comfort, it's meaningless.

2) Because you are his first man, maybe he wants to get his feet wet and see what other men are like.

3) It could all be bull-poo and he wants to be with someone else

You should keep in mind that we can only see from your perspective, and you have a bias view since you want to keep him. And that we don't know him. Everything will be pure speculation.

#2 was my initial thought as well.

Losing one's virginity is a BIG confidence builder. It opens up all sorts of doors, so to speak.

I gather you're both young--and faithful relationships are lovely--but so too is exploring and discovering who we are with other people.

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE!

[Kyle]

Hello guys again!
I'm so thankful for your replies. I was amazed to see some people spent their time, read my story and tried to help me. I will definitely stay here on the Forum no matter how my relationship goes, I will read what other people post and try to help if I can. I hope to make pen friends at least.
I really need to stay here and share my story with someone. I don't do this to get attention or something it's just like I am away from home in a cold country where I hardly see sunlight. I don't have my friends here, neither my family and now my boyfriend is about to dump me. I'm going through such a difficult time of my life. I have broken up with ex boyfriend before but I have never been abroad and alone that time and I think I have never loved someone this much before as I do my boyfriend.
I am a very communicative person, very positive, friendly and always giving a smile to people. So I live in dorm now and I feel myself like a "celebrity" in a good way. I don't know if I say what I mean but just all the people know me and they like to spend time with me and now everyone finds it so weird I am not smiling anymore or having fun. Today my friend couldn't take it seriously that I was sad, they just have never seen me like this.
I am pretty much in closet and it makes everything more difficult because I can not talk to my parents about this, neither any of my friend back in my country nor here. My profile says "open to close friends" and all those "close friends" are friends of my boyfriend and I definitely don't want to discuss this with them. So I have to overcome this by myself and the only place I am open to say everything I feel, is here. I hope I don't bother anyone and if anyone supports me it means a lot to me.
I'd like to say something to each of you ))

Welcome to the forum first off.
set down some rules which both of you adhere to. If he wants this relationship to work he will work with you not against you.

Thank you Zeon for a warm welcome.
I think now it is the situation when we can not communicate anymore. We can not set down any rules now. We could do it before I left the country but at that time he was asking me if I could be faithful and when I said yes, he wanted to me to say it and mean that yes, I could be faithful. and if I ever asked back he had a face like "how you dare to ask me" and said I was the only guy he ever, ever loved and I could worry about ANYTHING but not that he would cheat me. and I was so sure that would be the least problem, it didn't even come to my mind. For sure I wouldn't leave him at all, because here the university is good but when I don't have him sending me love messages or calling me, I can not study anything. I have lost all motivation. in a few days my life became so pointless. I was feeling like I had a best boyfriend, I was a good student, studying abroad and now I feel like I have nothing.
Thanks for your reply, xx

Oh Lord!!!! That actually reminds me my story... Im on the 2nd year of uni in a diferrent country from which i come from... Im same from the south part of europe and i move to the north (cold is driving me craaazy!!!)

Anyways long story short when we didnt want to talk with me on skype or facebook i was just going out with friends... with straight friends in order to be sure that nothing will happend... I stayed faithfull to him...

I advise you to do the same at the end of the day you will be alright with yourself you ll know that you didnt cheated and you were as good as you could, hope that he will not react as mine when you will go back again and you will be together....
If not you know that you have given your best, simply he couldnt afford it.
Hug, George!

Hey Gpbi,
I know how touchy it is when you read someone's story and you feel like, "God I have experienced that."
Cold drives me crazy as well. I'm so not a winter person.
When we don't talk on Facebook, I feel so bad I don't want to go out but I know I can not be in bed fora whole day so I force myself to eat and go out of flat and yesterday I went to party which was especially for international students. I was feeling OK, but still sometimes went out of dancing group and sat somewhere, felt sad missing him. I was fighting with myself to text him or not and I didn't but I did send him a message today. (I will write below.)

I'm sorry you are having to go through this heart tearing part of your life.

1) It could be that he is lonely and needs some comfort, like what we call a "rebound" here in the US. A rebound is someone you meet after breaking up with a long term relationship and you only use him for temporary comfort, it's meaningless.

2) Because you are his first man, maybe he wants to get his feet wet and see what other men are like.

3) It could all be bull-poo and he wants to be with someone else

Hello BinarySurfer,
It really is heart tearing...
I didn't know the meaning of rebound but I got it what it is. I don't know, maybe he needs a rebound. It's not a really break up but as long as we are not together physically , anyone with whom he can be, can be called so. I know it's meaningless because he is not ready to love someone now. He says he feels like he wants to do something bad and that's gonna be it if he does.
About being his first man. I absolutely agree he maybe wants to get his feet wet. I can not imagine any person who can have sex for an entire life with the same person. We all are so curious. I was really thinking about this and I always hated when he showed me some photos of hot guys he liked, so as long as we had strictly decided to be faithful we always though one day we would do a threesome. but still I was very doubting. If we ever would do that I wanted him to be top like me, I don't know it's all about my personality. I prefer to die than see my boyfriend bottoming for someone. at some point I can forgive him cheating if he performs as top but not being bottom. I can't explain it's a huge deal for me.

I say this with all due respect to you ((Hugs))mile:

You are in love and when we are in love we are blinded and make excuses for the person who we are in love with. I have been there myself. All the selfish things an ex has done but yet I made excuses for him over and over. So I'm just putting it out there that hes still exploring his feelings of his sexuality which is ok but, you are being put on the sidelines and you do not deserve that. It sounds as though your looking for a committed relationship and this doesnt look like its going to last much longer. You deserve to better and If he really loved you he wouldn't have to get on a dating website to look for someone else or even think bout someone else. I remember when I was off to college and my boyfriend at the time lived back in my home town all I did was think of him and couldn't wait to see him. not one single guy crossed my mind but him. Anyway, you do what you feel is right for you because in the end its you who has to live with the decision. I really really hope this works out for you though!mile:

Oh God, Your reply made me crying. I felt like it was written by me.
Gosh, so many times I have made excuses even though I haven't done anything wrong and it's not only about my current boyfriend. I have always thought making excuse was the easiest way to make up after fight. but I have learned it's not like this. the more excuse you make the people ill hurt you. It's just super difficult to control when you are in love. Yes, I am put on sideline and I feel bad and he knows that but he told me "let' put our relationship on sideline and concentrate on studying and fun." he says he really worries that I am feeling so bad and he did this to me. he says sorry for all of this but he adds he can't help. he doesn't want these hugs and kisses because he gets too emotional and that's not his style. He wants to be a person who only cares about career and he was too much blinded by love when I was there.
the same with me as you said. I am living in a country where there are guys of my taste but I don't even notice them. The only guy in my mind at day and night is my boyfriend. Honestly things don't go well and I don't know what will be in future but thanks for your wishes and hugs, I'd love to hug someone now.

You can't make anyone to be YOURS. No one can make an individual soul to do what they want. However, our lover would do whatever is best for our happiness, on the own will.

Let him know that he can do whatever he wants, he can date people, experiment new things. But if he does that, he has to accept the risk of hurting and loosing you.
Also let him know that whatever his decision is, you wish him happy with that ( if you truly want him to be happy).
3 months is not that long time to be honest, some people wait for each other for years.
I hope you guys will overcome this crisis.

Hello posterpicture,
I know I can not make anyone mine. I wanted to say that I wish he was doing the best for our happiness, yeah. I have never tried to make him do what I wanted him to do, I just wish he was acting as he used to be when I was back there with him. but he's so different person, He was amazed by himself that he could love someone, he was happy because of me, he was excited with me because he never thought he would be. With me he was like a normal boyfriend, how boyfriends usually act, but for him it was too emotional, he let heart to lead. but now when I am not there he forgot all the feelings and is again in love with himself and his career. I will post a letter he sent me today.
About loosing me I think he is OK with that. He said if I did something like this and he was abroad he would be furious and would dump me. he says I shouldn't sent him messages with so much love because he is acting very bad and he doesn't deserve. He says I shouldn't care about him this much and I shouldn't destroy my exchange semester, and think so much about him because he found out he is a very bad person and he is not a waiting-for-the-boyfriend type of guy. This makes me think that if I say "bye" he's gonna accept this. He said he would tell me if he had sex with someone else and he wouldn't hide anything.
When I look at this from someone's point of view it seems like he doesn't love me and I shouldn't love him either but I have felt so much with him, experienced so much. I know he loves me somewhere deep in the heart. he just doesn't let any emotion to affect his behavior. He dreams to reach the condition when he will never get angry, furious, excited etc. I don't understand because I am very emotional person and sometimes too emotional (That's why I hardly stay alive for these days) and once I was joking that Nordic people are so calm they keep poker face for an entire conversation and I was complaining about this and he liked it so much, he said he would love to live in this kind of society.
I think if there is a true love, it's possible to wait for years and in our case 5 months seemed nothing but I faced something different.
Thanks for your reply.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Kyle

I also suspect that young men have wild oats and like to sow them: http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/sow+wild+oats for definition of the idiom.

The side bar says your 20, I assume he is around your age. Many, perhaps most who are in their early 20's do a lot of stupid things because the world is a brand new exciting place and they are full of the new awesome power of being an adult with all of the freedom that that implies, but not enough wisdom to temper that freedom with responsibility.

Many (again perhaps most) will fall in and out of love on a whim. In your case, enough time passed for him to understand that he isn't THAT in love with you to wait.

Gay males are prone to do more sowing (those wild oats) than straight males. Simply because being male and dating male means you don't have to get bogged down with 'catching' a girl, then appeasing her emotional fancy to be a 'good girl' in order to get laid.

Girls are called sluts if they want sex, boys are applauded when they do it. that has a huge impact on the differences between gay and straight relationships and sex.

So we have a young man who is full of...... you know, with lots of energy, lots of time, and surrounded by a world that provides him with as many other young, dumb and full of..... you know males to play with.

Until old age (around 300 starts setting in, he most likely will want to plow fields and have lots and lots of fun, with little to no interest in a long term, monogamous relationship.

I fear that youth and hormones are going to win in this case.

I advise you to seriously consider what it is that YOU want. And look around and see if you can find someone who wants either what you want, or something that is compatible.

I personally wouldn't stick around. I do not like to share, I'm a very selfish person when it comes to my partners.

I also hope that you seriously reconsider dating a 'first timer' in future, since many first timers once they discover the joys of Gay Cooking, want to eat until they explode.