Question about coming out

[Ozzmandius]

I wasn't sure whether or not to put this here or in the Coming Out forum as it deals with both of these things. Sorry if it is better off over there.

Well, the other day, a friend came out to me and wanted advice on how to tell her mother. Of course, I'm not out to my family at all, so there was nothing I could do in that regard. This got me thinking though. I've never been interested in telling my family. I've always been comfortable with how things are without me being out to them. People who tell their parents usually seem to say how it feels like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders, but I've never felt any sort of weight.
Now, the thing is, I am a very stubborn person, and I usually lead myself to believe things, even if they aren't true. So, basically, I'm questioning if I actually don't want to come out to them, or if it's just my stubborn-ness kicking in.

I know this isn't really anything anyone other than me could answer, but I was just wondering if anyone had advice on this matter. Like, is there a way to figure out what I really want to do? Or do I have to just take a risk and tell them even if I'm not ready?

[XRIMO]

Well it depends if you feel like you can't be yourself around your parents. I thought the same way, I wasn't going to change who I was and start acting all flamboyant, but I felt the need to say to them, this is who I am. At least now I don't get asked when am I going to find a girlfriend xD.

Really, its up to you and how you feel. I felt my parents deserved to know who I am and I didn't want to try to hide myself. I haven't changed and I can't believe I was ever stressed about it. Their attitude toward me hasn't shifted in the least either.

[dfiant]

Why fix something that isn't broken?

[Pix]

I'd advise minors in the USA to think long and hard before coming out. It's legal here for parents to send kids to teen gulags that go by a variety of names and operate by a variety of means, but many of them are tortuous, violent, and some even kill (and even when a school is closed because of that they sometimes just relocate to another country and continue to accept kids from the USA, and the courts will back the parents who send them). Many of them are at least quasi-religious (if not outright cultish) which gives them even more exceptions from the law. What's ironic is if parents carried out such abuse themselves rather than paying an "expert" to do it for them they'd risk prison.

Though to be fair many parents are unaware just how abusive these places are and place their kids in a blind way so it's more parental irresponsibility than conscious evil, but this means that even if you're right in that your parents would never send you to such a place, they just might without realizing it. These places typically don't allow any free communication with the outside world, not even with one's parents (some clever concerned parents did arrange for code phrases of a misspelled word so s/he could cry for help in a letter home, but most parents never think of this).

As far as I know these places are illegal in most civilized countries, but the United States isn't one of them.

Once you're 18 you can't be legally sent to these places anymore (even if you still live with your parents and go to high school). But even then you might still have reasons to be cautious if you're financially dependent on them (like say for college), let alone rare instances of violence (like that preacher who sicked his congregation on his presumably adult son and son's boyfriend).

I'm all for coming out, and I realize that it's better to tell them than let them find out, but I wouldn't want anyone to be harmed by doing so.

[Pix]

As for me I'm out to my Granny, whom I'm closest to. I don't feel any burden keeping my lesbianism from the rest of my family (though I was briefly tempted to tell them I was gay last summer when they pestered me so much about getting married and having children) and I've always been independent so I don't feel a need to share my more personal details with them or to gain their acceptance for who I am, nor do I feel any obligation to let them know (of course if I lived with them while having a girlfriend then it might be different). And while I don't think my family would harm me if they knew (though some would likely tell me to stay away), I know it would spread and others in that Bible Belt town might.

I just googled how to tell your parents you're gay and found several links and videos on it in case anyone wants to look at it for ideas.

And, just for fun, here's Wanda Sykes comments on the subject:

[Ozzmandius]

Well, I've never felt as though I'm anything other than myself for anyone (whether or not I'm out to them). Talk of relationships never really seem to come up anymore, not that they really did in the first place.
But, I never felt like I was hiding and I've always believed I'd be better off this way, which is another reason why I'm questioning myself now.

And another thing, I know that they would be at least okay with this. When I was 17, an issue came up, and long story short, my mother thought I was coming out to her, and told me that no matter what her and dad would always be there for me.
I do feel bad about not telling her after her having told me that, but again, I wasn't comfortable with her knowing. I also feel a little ridiculous seeing as how I'm 23 out of the house and I still haven't told them.
I think a part of me might want them to know, but the rest of me is still against it....

[beast]

I wasn't sure whether or not to put this here or in the Coming Out forum as it deals with both of these things. Sorry if it is better off over there.

Well, the other day, a friend came out to me and wanted advice on how to tell her mother. Of course, I'm not out to my family at all, so there was nothing I could do in that regard. This got me thinking though. I've never been interested in telling my family. I've always been comfortable with how things are without me being out to them. People who tell their parents usually seem to say how it feels like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders, but I've never felt any sort of weight.
Now, the thing is, I am a very stubborn person, and I usually lead myself to believe things, even if they aren't true. So, basically, I'm questioning if I actually don't want to come out to them, or if it's just my stubborn-ness kicking in.

I know this isn't really anything anyone other than me could answer, but I was just wondering if anyone had advice on this matter. Like, is there a way to figure out what I really want to do? Or do I have to just take a risk and tell them even if I'm not ready?

in my honest opinion, talk to the parent you trust most or who would be the most supportive. For me that was my mom, and I came out when I was 15 years old. If you feel no pressure to come out then why do it? Be yourself.

[Ozzmandius]

I've been gone a couple of days due to certain issues (which aren't related to here), but because of these new issues I haven't had much time to think about the whole coming out thing.

in my honest opinion, talk to the parent you trust most or who would be the most supportive. For me that was my mom, and I came out when I was 15 years old. If you feel no pressure to come out then why do it? Be yourself.

Well, I trust both my parents. I feel as though one would be just as supportive as the other. They're usually supportive on pretty much everything I do, unless it's a stupid thing, which this clearly isn't. As for pressure; I may not feel it from myself, but there's always pressure from the Gay Community, I find. Things like "How come you're not out?!?" or "I think you need to tell them!" may not be much, but they still bother me a bit.

I also want to re-state that I no longer live at home with my parents and that I'm lik 95% sure they would be fine with it as my mother already thought I was coming out to her at one point and already went though all that 'we'll love you no matter what' stuff. No need to worry about getting kicked out for that.