Hinting at marriage?

[jamiebfd]

My bf keeps mentioning marriage all the time.
Even refering to the possibility of us being married in the future and what it would be like.
Also keeps talking about us living together alot.
Is he hinting at me? does he want me to propose?

How do i let him down nicely because i really never want to marry anyone. ever.
Paper and rings dont prove nothing to me.
The vows made in marriage are how i already treat our relationship. I love him too much lol.

Is there a way to say no in a nice way. just in case he asks me?

I mean moving in i have no objections to at all. But marriage scares me tbh

[pellaz]

marriage does matter, maybe not to you but as a social sacrament it is necessary
for one thing it makes it more difficult to separate. human nature being what it is, especially between two guys.
-i understand the relationship will likely not have children but you will have common assets.
-the partners will have dependencies they will have to break.
-the 7 year itch really brings way to much emotional trauma. better to have behaved better during the 7 years than attempt to wipe the slate clean and restart. re apply what you have learned onto another mate.

i think your too young to HAVE TO marry. dont take this as a bad statement. if you can't talk about this between you guys is a good example not to get married. tell him how much you love him, tell him several times a day but before he moves in tell him you dont know what being married really means. and you need a demonstration, at least a few years of it.

[fredv3b]

If paper and rings mean nothing to you, then why does marriage scare you?


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[Almac]

Perhaps paper and a ring don't mean much to you Jamie, but it may mean a whole lot to your boyfriend before you tell him you don't want marriage at any cost, just talk to him about it in depth? After all talking costs nothing.

[jamiebfd]

If paper and rings mean nothing to you, then why does marriage scare you?


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Not so much scares me... i just dont think marriage proves anything except joint ownership of everything we own lol.
I wouldnt like to get married and i am going to talk to him about it.
Im just hoping for advice on how to explain in a way which wont upset him or make him think i dont love him enough.

[Almac]

That's a hard one Jamie, after all if you just come straight out and say I don't want marriage that's almost saying you don't want commitment?? For a start just talk to him in depth, get his feelings about marriage without you saying anything anti-marriage, you never know he may just be satisfied moving in with you? But at least you've got a loving relationship, there are millions of people longing for what you have with your boyfriend.

[jamiebfd]

That's a hard one Jamie, after all if you just come straight out and say I don't want marriage that's almost saying you don't want commitment?? For a start just talk to him in depth, get his feelings about marriage without you saying anything anti-marriage, you never know he may just be satisfied moving in with you? But at least you've got a loving relationship, there are millions of people longing for what you have with your boyfriend.

Yeah we are very much in love and we do talk alot about anything that bothers us.
Its rare that i get worried about telling him my feelings and when i do... i come speak to my family here at GS.

I feel the commitment thing is not really an issue or at least i hope lol.
Being in a relationship and devoting my whole self to him is commitment to me.
I also think marriage is a religeos thing by tradition and i am not religeous at all. However i respect religeon of course.
And not being religeous but still wanting to marry i would consider hipocracy.
Hope that doesnt offend anyone btw.

[Almac]

Hi Jamie I'm glad you said you love him, and that commitment was not an issue. I can't see what you've said should upset anyone at all. I can't see the problem living together, however, you don't have the same legal rights you would have if you were in a civil partnership marriage. So go on have a heart to heart with your boyfriend......

[pellaz]

I also think marriage is a religeos thing by tradition and i am not religeous at all. However i respect religeon of course.
And not being religeous but still wanting to marry i would consider hipocracy.

yes you can get married in a church. all the church does after the ceremony is fill out the paperwork and submit it to the county government.

skip the ceremony.

go to the self service counter at your county government and fill out the paper work your selves. there is no religion here. there are many rights that you will have as a couple by doing this. the law will treat you guys as a couple. because indeed you are one.

before he moves in tell him you want to wait 1-3 years before doing this. afirm you will tell him you love him every day. give him a simple platinum ring. make it work first, it is very very difficult.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My bf keeps mentioning marriage all the time.
Even refering to the possibility of us being married in the future and what it would be like.
Also keeps talking about us living together alot.
Is he hinting at me? does he want me to propose?

How do i let him down nicely because i really never want to marry anyone. ever.
Paper and rings dont prove nothing to me.
The vows made in marriage are how i already treat our relationship. I love him too much lol.

Is there a way to say no in a nice way. just in case he asks me?

I mean moving in i have no objections to at all. But marriage scares me tbh

Marriage as in legal marriage, affords couples with rights and 'breaks' that living in sin (shacking up, being butt buddies, whatever you want to call it) doesn't.

Marriage as in the emotional bond is something altogether different, it is viewed as the 'ultimate' act of devotion and love, making a commitment to that person for 'life' (55% of the time much short, but hey marriage is a sacred........) and various other purely emotional things that frankly defy reason and logic.

Now my crystal ball is in the shop (it broke, long sad story) so I can't peer into the nether regions and look into his head and tell you what he is thinking.

I'm afraid you are going to have to do it the old fashion way, sit down and communicate.

I think (Again the crystal ball is broken) that he is testing to see where you are and how far you are willing to go in a relationship. He may (again I don't know) be using the marriage question to get an understanding how you feel about things like monogamy, life long love, commitment. blah.

The foundation of a comfortable 'healthy' relationship is communication. His having to rely on hints and your running to us to read his mind for you is signs of unhealthy behaviors that could be detrimental to your relationship.

No, communication is not easy, yes it can be painful, yes you and he both most likely will say stuff the wrong way and yes most likely could end up having a fight.

I strongly suggest you BOTH research how to communicate and read TOGETHER the sites found at google:

http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#sclien...00&bih=677

Do that BEFORE you decide to broach the subject of marriage.

Get a few simple rules laid out, use those sites to help you decide how you will go about this process.

DO set specific times and make it clear that this talk is an attempt to communicate. DO remind each other that you are attempting to voice ideas and concepts that may not come out exactly as you hoped, thus none of that jumping to conclusions that lead to 'It sounded like you meant...."

There are a lot of tips, find those that you two understand and can use.

Communicate, find out what his really thinking, not using his 'hinting' to guess at what is on his mind.

Then use the opportunity to tell him 'I feel X about marriage."

Trust me, learning these skills and tricks to communication NOW will most likely save you 5 to 10 years of hell until you give up and go to couples counseling. From personal experience, that is the wrong way.

:biggrin: