confused

[confused]

so here it goes... i would like make it as short as i can....and i think i need your help
i come from a third world country where homosexuality is considered unacceptable. i came to united states in 2008 as a student. so i was in for a vacation in myrtle beach. i was high and was just walkin around the boardwalk. and i got approached by this guy who was about in his late thirties. he borrowed a cigarette from me and asked me if i was high. later he wanted me to get some weed to him. so we went to his motel room to get his cash. out of nowhere he touched my hair (it was long at that time) and told that it was beautiful . i suspected he was gay and i told him i was not gay . then he tried to explain me about how pleasurable it would be if he would suck my dick. i said forget it man and left his room running because the guy was almost double my size and i didnt wanna get assraped. anyways , i told my friends what happened and they made fun of me, i laughed about it too but one question came to mind "why me. why did he pick me. do i look gay?"
so after couple of days i returned to my college and after a week or so i found this job at cafeteria . i went and found my coworker was really funny and friendly. so we were talking and making pizzas and out of blue he asked me if i was gay. i was shocked because of recent incident, i laughed, and said no. but i started analayzing about what he said. i was a pot head so i thought a lot obviously bu t this "gay thing" was stuck in my head . so i would get high and think a lot about how could i be gay? i started going through my memories. i remembered i had sexual activity with my cousin. but i wasnt attracted to him or anything. let me explain
we were cousins and we were best friends. we would share anything. at night times before sleep we would talk about the girls we would smash. i always liked girls and so did he. but since our society was so conservative...having sex with a girl at age of 12 or 13 was completely out of question. besides if you would do something stupid like that, you would have to marry the girl. anyways i donno when it started but one day we were so curious about girls. i told him..."you be a girl" for some time and i would grab his chest imagining it was boobies. i guess he liked it or what i dont know...then i t was my turn...and i would pretend to be his girl and he would molest me...like touching my nipples kissing in neck etc...and finally we would mastaburate each other. we were so curious about pussy that we thought all we were doing was a practice to make a wonderful sex later to a girl later on in our life. we even tried to penetrate each others asses but it was painful or we just touched each other and mastaburated thinking about the girls.
after couple of months or so.. i thought it was weird so i told him we should not do this anymore. so he agreed. we still were cousins and good friends.
as people might see it as gay sexual activity but there was nothing gay about it when we did it. we were so curious that we had to try it with a guy imagining it was woman.
anyways back to the point. so after i found that i had done sexual activity with a guy but like i explained earlier there was nothing gay to me about that. but i kept on thinking i could be gay. it troubled me....i started thinking so much. i started getting parnaoid....everytime i smoked and got high...i felt like people around me knew that i did that in my childhood and they were telling me i was gay gay gay.
i could not talk to anyone. but things later got worse......everytime somebody has say something about homosexuality my ears would just tune up i mean in tvs, movies and also in classroom. i had this intense curiousity about gay people and how somebody would just like a cock instead of beautiful pussy. and also to answer my own sexuality questions.
i quit smoking weed because all i would think after smoking weed was how can guy turn gay and what are the evidences against me...cause i could not imagine myself being gay. but the question was why the gay guy picked me? why random people ask me if i was gay? or maybe i am gay ? i had sex with a guy before... you know all these questions each and every i would just battle myself . i would try to find any activities in my past besides the one with my cousin that could suggest i was homosexual
i finally gave up cause it was just maze and i thought i would rather stop thinking about it. i quit weed.
but even now and then when somebody calls me fag just for fun..you know in between friends...i start to ponder about for couple of days. i never found a guy sexually attractive but after all these incidents....i was trying to prove myself i was not gay by experimenting stuffs. like i would tell myself if i was gay i should be jacking off thinking about guys and it never helped me.
recently, i smoked some of that diablo, the synthentic marijuana and i was so high.....same thoughts began to ponder and my ass was getting all sensitive and i thought may be i am gay cause i feel good on my ass. the next day i researched about anal play and homosexuality and found that even heterosexual men feel good in their ass because of the prostate.
i mean now and then, question myself and it really bothers me. so finally today i looked up forum where you can ask question about your sexuality .....so what would guys have to say about my case?
i think the only reason i am confused is because of my sexual activity with my cousin..

[zeon]

Hello,
The fact you and your cousin played araound is nothing more than an experiment... Now the thing i have read on this is your worried about your well being and outcome if you were gay... To be honest i wouldnt loose sleep over it... You can always go on through life wasting time thinking am I or arent I??? Ying and yang black and white etc etc etc however brushing thosde aside... The only thing you can do isdd accept your life as it is, ditch the weed because it is a known paronoia and mental problem causer and if you stand any chance of sorting your life out living a little being happy in yourself this wont help... If someone calls ya gay just think to yourself inside... If i am... So what i am what I am. When i was young and coming to terms with my sexuality at 12 years old i tried to fight this and it didnt go according to plan as i thought the gay bit in me would go and id be happy with a girl and kids in the future however being with a girl made me deeply unhappy and eventually i left her for a male... Best advice i can give you is try a bit of both see what rocks it more but who you want to have sex with doesnt determin your sexuality... That boils down to who you want to love and be with forever... Sex is sex it comes it goes it never stops

Kindest regards

zeon x

[jbd555]

From my experience and from talking to a lot of people both gay and straight,....when you're young like Zeon says you experiment with the same sex. It is very natural. Where the struggle comes in depends on your religious teachings (or lack there of) and the society of where you live. In most all parts of the world we are taught from a young age that homosexuality is a sin and against nature.... not natural. So during our development years..post puberty there is this constant conflict within ourselves. If we are kind hearted, sensitive or metro acting we are label or asked if we are gay....IMO.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Drugs are not going to help.

If you have no emotional attachment to guys chances are you are not gay.

Yes I know, the word is homosexual - however it is not homoSEXual, meaning its not all about the sex.

If you are cute and a guy is interested in you he most likely will ask (please please please be) "Are you, you know, gay?" his hope is that you are because HE is interested in you, not because he thinks you are gay, he hopes you are.

If you are not interested in dick and guys emotionally (Oh I want to settle down, cuddle, hold, even love a guy) then you most likely are not gay.

If you get the occasional blow job from a guy, or even the occasional 'plunging' done, it only means you are sexual.

Labels are things we put on ourselves. Eventually you will find a label that you like and suits your understanding of gay, bi, straight, whatever.

[zeon]

Furthermore to bowyn arrow labels shouldnt be on us they should be kept in tins so u know what ya buying

[cloud999]

Straight guys have sex in prison because there are no women around. Once they get out, they return to their preferred straight sex. A mouth feels the same regardless if it's a man or woman's....ditto for asses.

Now, if you start preferring sex with your buddy more than with a girl you're dating...you might not be as straight as you think. Or if you start having wet dreams about your buddy, then yah, you might not be straight. But guys are incredibly adaptable when it comes to getting your rocks off.

I wouldn't stress about it, though I know you will.

[dfiant]

The problem with the words homosexual, bisexual and heterosexual is the word 'sex'.

Being gay is not all about sex, but when we talk about being gay it is the first thing people think about, and it is just plain inaccurate.

12 and 13 year old boys will sexually experiment with 12-13 year old boys because they are accessable to each other, not because they are gay. Just like experimenting with drugs doesn't make you a drug addict, nor does experimenting sexually with the same gender make you homosexual or even bisexual.

To be homosexual is to LOVE the same gender, not fuck the same gender as some random experience.

Also an effeminate man does not make that man homosexual, a man that loves another man and want to build a life together with a man is homosexual, get over stereotypes because they are just ways for insecure people to label you to make themselves feel comfortable and secure.

You're not confused, you seem to understand your feelings, the world is confused and your drug habit is making you paranoid. Simple.

[fredv3b]

The problem with the words homosexual, bisexual and heterosexual is the word 'sex'.

Being gay is not all about sex, but when we talk about being gay it is the first thing people think about, and it is just plain inaccurate.

The sex part of those words is supposed to refer to the genders involved. But you are absolutely correct it makes people think about what goes on between the sheets.


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[WesHollywood]

I think all of us have struggled through this dilema at one time or another. I was confronted by friends last year. I thought I was bi, but when it was pointed out that in the last three years I had not had sex with a female, I accepted that I was gay.

I live in California where we are light years ahead of the rest of this country. You ask someone if they are gay here, and the answer will most likely be "Who cares?" Think about it. It is just sex. What matter does it make? What matters is who and what quality of person are you. Hopefully in time you will find the GLBT question to be about as important as do you want jelly with your peanut butter sandwich?

That said, there is prejudice against being gay, and it is usually some closet queen who is pushing the issue. At work I do a certain amount of dancing around the GLBT issue. I am an aspiring executive, and in many circles a wife is part of the package for success. I show up at company Christmas parties with my life partner and a female date.

It is stupid, but we are the Americans and do stupid very well. We live in a country where Herman Cain could end up president. Go figure.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I live in California where we are light years ahead of the rest of this country. You ask someone if they are gay here, and the answer will most likely be "Who cares?"

I correct you, Wes.

You live in Southern California, the Big City known collectively as Los Angeles.

Up here, further north, in the Big Central Valley, folk are a lot more conservative on the issue.


Source: http://voices.washingtonpost.com/thefix/...eheadlines

This gives a better idea of the mindset of California. While sure, you tanned beach based, surfer types are often confused to be 'California' and us way out here in the farm belt are never thought of, the reality is that California is not at all a 'liberal' state.

Its the counties out here and the 'hidden' population who continually stand in the way of Gay Marriage. You all on the coast may vote yes, but out here its a resounding "Hell No!" out here. Thus the physical property damage and even physical basing when Prop 22 first came up several years ago. And that sort of of physical anti-gay attitude is still there, under the surface with more than a few guys (gay or not, but only thought gay) being the recipient of some nasty stuff.