11-11-2011, 12:37 PM
so here it goes... i would like make it as short as i can....and i think i need your help
i come from a third world country where homosexuality is considered unacceptable. i came to united states in 2008 as a student. so i was in for a vacation in myrtle beach. i was high and was just walkin around the boardwalk. and i got approached by this guy who was about in his late thirties. he borrowed a cigarette from me and asked me if i was high. later he wanted me to get some weed to him. so we went to his motel room to get his cash. out of nowhere he touched my hair (it was long at that time) and told that it was beautiful . i suspected he was gay and i told him i was not gay . then he tried to explain me about how pleasurable it would be if he would suck my dick. i said forget it man and left his room running because the guy was almost double my size and i didnt wanna get assraped. anyways , i told my friends what happened and they made fun of me, i laughed about it too but one question came to mind "why me. why did he pick me. do i look gay?"
so after couple of days i returned to my college and after a week or so i found this job at cafeteria . i went and found my coworker was really funny and friendly. so we were talking and making pizzas and out of blue he asked me if i was gay. i was shocked because of recent incident, i laughed, and said no. but i started analayzing about what he said. i was a pot head so i thought a lot obviously bu t this "gay thing" was stuck in my head . so i would get high and think a lot about how could i be gay? i started going through my memories. i remembered i had sexual activity with my cousin. but i wasnt attracted to him or anything. let me explain
we were cousins and we were best friends. we would share anything. at night times before sleep we would talk about the girls we would smash. i always liked girls and so did he. but since our society was so conservative...having sex with a girl at age of 12 or 13 was completely out of question. besides if you would do something stupid like that, you would have to marry the girl. anyways i donno when it started but one day we were so curious about girls. i told him..."you be a girl" for some time and i would grab his chest imagining it was boobies. i guess he liked it or what i dont know...then i t was my turn...and i would pretend to be his girl and he would molest me...like touching my nipples kissing in neck etc...and finally we would mastaburate each other. we were so curious about pussy that we thought all we were doing was a practice to make a wonderful sex later to a girl later on in our life. we even tried to penetrate each others asses but it was painful or we just touched each other and mastaburated thinking about the girls.
after couple of months or so.. i thought it was weird so i told him we should not do this anymore. so he agreed. we still were cousins and good friends.
as people might see it as gay sexual activity but there was nothing gay about it when we did it. we were so curious that we had to try it with a guy imagining it was woman.
anyways back to the point. so after i found that i had done sexual activity with a guy but like i explained earlier there was nothing gay to me about that. but i kept on thinking i could be gay. it troubled me....i started thinking so much. i started getting parnaoid....everytime i smoked and got high...i felt like people around me knew that i did that in my childhood and they were telling me i was gay gay gay.
i could not talk to anyone. but things later got worse......everytime somebody has say something about homosexuality my ears would just tune up i mean in tvs, movies and also in classroom. i had this intense curiousity about gay people and how somebody would just like a cock instead of beautiful pussy. and also to answer my own sexuality questions.
i quit smoking weed because all i would think after smoking weed was how can guy turn gay and what are the evidences against me...cause i could not imagine myself being gay. but the question was why the gay guy picked me? why random people ask me if i was gay? or maybe i am gay ? i had sex with a guy before... you know all these questions each and every i would just battle myself . i would try to find any activities in my past besides the one with my cousin that could suggest i was homosexual
i finally gave up cause it was just maze and i thought i would rather stop thinking about it. i quit weed.
but even now and then when somebody calls me fag just for fun..you know in between friends...i start to ponder about for couple of days. i never found a guy sexually attractive but after all these incidents....i was trying to prove myself i was not gay by experimenting stuffs. like i would tell myself if i was gay i should be jacking off thinking about guys and it never helped me.
recently, i smoked some of that diablo, the synthentic marijuana and i was so high.....same thoughts began to ponder and my ass was getting all sensitive and i thought may be i am gay cause i feel good on my ass. the next day i researched about anal play and homosexuality and found that even heterosexual men feel good in their ass because of the prostate.
i mean now and then, question myself and it really bothers me. so finally today i looked up forum where you can ask question about your sexuality .....so what would guys have to say about my case?
i think the only reason i am confused is because of my sexual activity with my cousin..
i come from a third world country where homosexuality is considered unacceptable. i came to united states in 2008 as a student. so i was in for a vacation in myrtle beach. i was high and was just walkin around the boardwalk. and i got approached by this guy who was about in his late thirties. he borrowed a cigarette from me and asked me if i was high. later he wanted me to get some weed to him. so we went to his motel room to get his cash. out of nowhere he touched my hair (it was long at that time) and told that it was beautiful . i suspected he was gay and i told him i was not gay . then he tried to explain me about how pleasurable it would be if he would suck my dick. i said forget it man and left his room running because the guy was almost double my size and i didnt wanna get assraped. anyways , i told my friends what happened and they made fun of me, i laughed about it too but one question came to mind "why me. why did he pick me. do i look gay?"
so after couple of days i returned to my college and after a week or so i found this job at cafeteria . i went and found my coworker was really funny and friendly. so we were talking and making pizzas and out of blue he asked me if i was gay. i was shocked because of recent incident, i laughed, and said no. but i started analayzing about what he said. i was a pot head so i thought a lot obviously bu t this "gay thing" was stuck in my head . so i would get high and think a lot about how could i be gay? i started going through my memories. i remembered i had sexual activity with my cousin. but i wasnt attracted to him or anything. let me explain
we were cousins and we were best friends. we would share anything. at night times before sleep we would talk about the girls we would smash. i always liked girls and so did he. but since our society was so conservative...having sex with a girl at age of 12 or 13 was completely out of question. besides if you would do something stupid like that, you would have to marry the girl. anyways i donno when it started but one day we were so curious about girls. i told him..."you be a girl" for some time and i would grab his chest imagining it was boobies. i guess he liked it or what i dont know...then i t was my turn...and i would pretend to be his girl and he would molest me...like touching my nipples kissing in neck etc...and finally we would mastaburate each other. we were so curious about pussy that we thought all we were doing was a practice to make a wonderful sex later to a girl later on in our life. we even tried to penetrate each others asses but it was painful or we just touched each other and mastaburated thinking about the girls.
after couple of months or so.. i thought it was weird so i told him we should not do this anymore. so he agreed. we still were cousins and good friends.
as people might see it as gay sexual activity but there was nothing gay about it when we did it. we were so curious that we had to try it with a guy imagining it was woman.
anyways back to the point. so after i found that i had done sexual activity with a guy but like i explained earlier there was nothing gay to me about that. but i kept on thinking i could be gay. it troubled me....i started thinking so much. i started getting parnaoid....everytime i smoked and got high...i felt like people around me knew that i did that in my childhood and they were telling me i was gay gay gay.
i could not talk to anyone. but things later got worse......everytime somebody has say something about homosexuality my ears would just tune up i mean in tvs, movies and also in classroom. i had this intense curiousity about gay people and how somebody would just like a cock instead of beautiful pussy. and also to answer my own sexuality questions.
i quit smoking weed because all i would think after smoking weed was how can guy turn gay and what are the evidences against me...cause i could not imagine myself being gay. but the question was why the gay guy picked me? why random people ask me if i was gay? or maybe i am gay ? i had sex with a guy before... you know all these questions each and every i would just battle myself . i would try to find any activities in my past besides the one with my cousin that could suggest i was homosexual
i finally gave up cause it was just maze and i thought i would rather stop thinking about it. i quit weed.
but even now and then when somebody calls me fag just for fun..you know in between friends...i start to ponder about for couple of days. i never found a guy sexually attractive but after all these incidents....i was trying to prove myself i was not gay by experimenting stuffs. like i would tell myself if i was gay i should be jacking off thinking about guys and it never helped me.
recently, i smoked some of that diablo, the synthentic marijuana and i was so high.....same thoughts began to ponder and my ass was getting all sensitive and i thought may be i am gay cause i feel good on my ass. the next day i researched about anal play and homosexuality and found that even heterosexual men feel good in their ass because of the prostate.
i mean now and then, question myself and it really bothers me. so finally today i looked up forum where you can ask question about your sexuality .....so what would guys have to say about my case?
i think the only reason i am confused is because of my sexual activity with my cousin..