So I've been dating a really nice guy for about 4 months, and overall things are pretty great. While we get along on a personal level really well, I'm having a lot of problems with sex. Basically, I've pretty much always been a top, and he's versatile but also prefers being top. I've been bottom before with other guys, and while I was able to do it, I've always had to be at least somewhat intoxicated to be able to loosen up enough (if I'm sober and try to bottom, I start to get freaked out and completely lose my ability to enjoy sex), and I've never enjoyed the feeling of it even when I was able to. Even just the fingering to loosen me up feels really uncomfortable. With my current BF, he's EXTREMELY big. He's about 9 or 10", and also rather thick. We tried him being top once, (I was very drunk and so was he), and even just the tip of it entering felt extremely uncomfortable so I made him stop.
He told me he doesn't mind if I'm just the top, which would be all find and good, but I can tell by when we start to get intimate, that he really wants to be top even if he doesn't say it. And I know it's just a stereotype that the more masculine guy has to be the top, but the fact that he is an ENTIRE foot taller than me (he's 6' 8"), makes it feel even more awkward when I'm the top, just because he's so much bigger than me. I dunno what I should do exactly. Being the top feels awkward, but I'm pretty much incapable of being bottom. Does anyone have any experience learning to open up to being bottom, and learning to enjoy the feeling or is this all just a lost cause?
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-yourself in the shower, insert one or two fingers. no soap
-before sex apply what seems too much lube, that's usually the right amount
-have him only insert a finger or two every other day or so
-do it when both of you are sober.
-try different positions, from the side, you sitting, after a bit let him pick what he likes.
its important to talk about it with your partner. how you feel and his thoughts.
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VagabondKitten Wrote:So I've been dating a really nice guy for about 4 months, and overall things are pretty great. While we get along on a personal level really well, I'm having a lot of problems with sex. Basically, I've pretty much always been a top, and he's versatile but also prefers being top. I've been bottom before with other guys, and while I was able to do it, I've always had to be at least somewhat intoxicated to be able to loosen up enough (if I'm sober and try to bottom, I start to get freaked out and completely lose my ability to enjoy sex), and I've never enjoyed the feeling of it even when I was able to. Even just the fingering to loosen me up feels really uncomfortable. With my current BF, he's EXTREMELY big. He's about 9 or 10", and also rather thick. We tried him being top once, (I was very drunk and so was he), and even just the tip of it entering felt extremely uncomfortable so I made him stop.
He told me he doesn't mind if I'm just the top, which would be all find and good, but I can tell by when we start to get intimate, that he really wants to be top even if he doesn't say it. And I know it's just a stereotype that the more masculine guy has to be the top, but the fact that he is an ENTIRE foot taller than me (he's 6' 8"), makes it feel even more awkward when I'm the top, just because he's so much bigger than me. I dunno what I should do exactly. Being the top feels awkward, but I'm pretty much incapable of being bottom. Does anyone have any experience learning to open up to being bottom, and learning to enjoy the feeling or is this all just a lost cause?
i will think back to my younger days and tell you on an experiance i had i had never bottomed be fore and at that time i was astright just useing the gay guys for pleasure.So this guy picked me up fairly larg guy and we went to a motel and i thought this was going to be the usal so we kissed a while andd he got me hot to trot and then hee started poting his cock against my ss and gently rubed it there all the time working on me it took like two hours to get it all the way in aand no pain i had just opened and it felt great and he started moveing and it was makeing me enjoy it and i cum with out him touching me any longer and i must say if enery time was that good i would be a total bottom but i tryed a few times after that but pain
i think you must not think of the size just fall in to the feeling let him kiss you alot and when your legsfeel limp then go on the bed and go from there but try to get him to open you like i said it is hard to do that way but i turned into that kind of top and never have had any complaints since just hare to keep it from coming but if it does so what the second time is better for me anyhow keep in mind fear is the muscel tightner normal for muscels to tighten when scared ok my two cents worth
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Pellaz has pretty much covered the mechanics of it.
Most of us either like being on top or bottom or we don't. There is really no 'learning' to be the opposite of what is an intrinsic part of our nature. While we can perform the act, and 'get off' there is a lot more to the pleasure side of it than just the act of ejaculation, lots of emotions come into play.
One part of this is the gender roles that our society slaps on the act. This is largely due to the fact men have penises and women have vaginas. Through millions of years, males have become stronger and larger than females, this is coupled with a stronger desire to be the provider, the protector. The feeling of need to be either inside the other or having the other inside of us is strongly attached to these other emotions. This serves our species well to insure the success of our offspring living to carry on our genetic material.
As an outgrowth of that, we tend to see a man who is on the bottom as being more effeminate - being less a man. Thus we hear such wonderful words as 'sissy' thrown out in disgust over a man who 'accepts' another man inside of him.
Like it or not you are a product of 22 years of programing. From the day you popped out of mom your world has reinforced your role in life by what does or does not dangle between your legs. You most like lay in the hospital nursery with a blue hat, and blue trimmed blanket. From there mom and dad moved you home where your nursery had blue, maybe footballs and base balls on the wall paper. Everything they did, every choice they made was to enforce your penis... Thus instead of getting and easy bake oven, you got a soccer ball or football. Instead of letting you have long hair, your parents kept it short. There are many obvious and many more hidden ways that we have been programed to accept our gender role.
It is possible that you are not able to overcome 22 years of programing, and are essentially unable to accept emotionally the role of being a bottom.
You may actually be hardwired to be the protector, provider, giver... this is more biological, chemistry, hormonal - the same factors that come to play in determining if a guy is a jock or a nerd, or if they are an alpha male or a beta male.
Thus your discomfort at 'the act' and your inability to get full pleasure from the act is most likely tied in to all of these emotions that are a product of biology and programing tied together in what is most likely a highly fascinating way.
I suspect you do not use alcohol to loosen yourself up physically (The anus is one of the weakest parts of the body, it adapts and stretches quite remarkably), I suspect you drink to loosen yourself up emotionally.
Sex takes place in the brain more than at the sex organs. how we view the act we are doing not just intellectually but emotionally plays a much larger role in how much enjoyment we get out of once act over another.
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I find this discussion fascinating. I'm a bottom, and I don't think I could ever learn to be a top. Just the idea of it makes me uncomfortable. I'm open minded and willing to do just about anything with my body, but I clearly have a strong mental aversion to fucking another man.
TC
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Pellaz has pretty much covered the mechanics of it.
Most of us either like being on top or bottom or we don't. There is really no 'learning' to be the opposite of what is an intrinsic part of our nature. While we can perform the act, and 'get off' there is a lot more to the pleasure side of it than just the act of ejaculation, lots of emotions come into play.
One part of this is the gender roles that our society slaps on the act. This is largely due to the fact men have penises and women have vaginas. Through millions of years, males have become stronger and larger than females, this is coupled with a stronger desire to be the provider, the protector. The feeling of need to be either inside the other or having the other inside of us is strongly attached to these other emotions. This serves our species well to insure the success of our offspring living to carry on our genetic material.
As an outgrowth of that, we tend to see a man who is on the bottom as being more effeminate - being less a man. Thus we hear such wonderful words as 'sissy' thrown out in disgust over a man who 'accepts' another man inside of him.
Like it or not you are a product of 22 years of programing. From the day you popped out of mom your world has reinforced your role in life by what does or does not dangle between your legs. You most like lay in the hospital nursery with a blue hat, and blue trimmed blanket. From there mom and dad moved you home where your nursery had blue, maybe footballs and base balls on the wall paper. Everything they did, every choice they made was to enforce your penis... Thus instead of getting and easy bake oven, you got a soccer ball or football. Instead of letting you have long hair, your parents kept it short. There are many obvious and many more hidden ways that we have been programed to accept our gender role.
It is possible that you are not able to overcome 22 years of programing, and are essentially unable to accept emotionally the role of being a bottom.
You may actually be hardwired to be the protector, provider, giver... this is more biological, chemistry, hormonal - the same factors that come to play in determining if a guy is a jock or a nerd, or if they are an alpha male or a beta male.
Thus your discomfort at 'the act' and your inability to get full pleasure from the act is most likely tied in to all of these emotions that are a product of biology and programing tied together in what is most likely a highly fascinating way.
I suspect you do not use alcohol to loosen yourself up physically (The anus is one of the weakest parts of the body, it adapts and stretches quite remarkably), I suspect you drink to loosen yourself up emotionally.
Sex takes place in the brain more than at the sex organs. how we view the act we are doing not just intellectually but emotionally plays a much larger role in how much enjoyment we get out of once act over another.
Wow, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head with this advice. I have always tended to date guys in the past who needed protecting, and it always came so naturally for me to be like that, meanwhile never letting anyone help me. I guess even though I tried to stay acutely aware of myself and my personality in relation to society and its expectations of men, I still ended up accepting a lot of their doctrines of how I'm supposed to act. I like to think that it's just a part of my personality, but it's probably at least somewhat a result of outside forces. Even though I want my partner to be satisfied sexually, I really doubt I'll ever be able to enjoy it, no matter how much I try to train myself to (and I don't think he would enjoy it if it was to my detriment anyways). I guess the question is will we be able to work it out, or if it is even worth trying to. Thanks everyone for your replies! It definitely was some nice food for thought 
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