Need advice: Follow my head or heart?

[RobertFriendly]

I'm 35 years old and have been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend Mark for 15 years. He and I met when we were practically kids and "greg up" together attending the same university, moving around the country chasing our dreams and ultimately settling down here. We have a house and successful business together.

About a year ago, I met "Rene", in a very random way and we quickly become instantly bonded like we'd known each other forever. I think that time was the happiest that I've ever been. Rene and his long time partner hung out with Mark and I and the 4 of us got along so well - but Rene and I just clicked and clicked. Best friends ever.

A few months ago, Rene confronted me privately and told me he had fallen in love with me and he told me he knew I'd fallen in love with him too. He told me he wanted us to be together. I was shocked at first and then realized that I'd been lying to myself and that I had fallen for him.

I confessed to Mark about my feelings for Rene but since Mark and I have been together so long, I decided the best thing to do was to cut off all contact with Rene and try to move on. Rene agreed and we didn't speak for about 3 months. Secretly I've missed him every day but kept trying to forget him and focus on Mark.

My brain says: stick with Mark. You know exactly what kind of a partner he is. Your business depends on you being together. You grew up together and share the same friends. Your family adores him. I'm just not sure if I'm still IN love with him.

My heart says: go with Rene and take a chance. I've never felt anything like my connection for Rene. As a lifelong atheist, my feelings for him are the closest I've ever come to "spiritual" - the deepest I've ever felt for another human being. I have no idea if we would be compatible partners or not but I love him.

Do I follow my heart or brain? Help!

[dlboy53]

First off I wish I was in your shoes.
Well I commend for your long relationship with your boyfriend and first off how will the business survive if you did break up with Mark? Are there any sparks with Mark? How does Mark make you feel? I'm not the person that would break up a long standing relationship even if my heart flutters for someone else. From the sounds of things is you have a great relationship with Mark and for what I can tell from what you wrote is that there are very few if any arguments. So my advise to you is Stay with Mark because there is to many what ifs with Rene.

[RobertFriendly]

Thanks for commenting. To answer: I have a great friendship with Mark but at this point there are almost no sparks - no sizzle. He feels like a companion really. He's a terrific guy and we have a good partnership. It's stable and safe.

With Rene there are sparks and extreme chemistry - not just physical but we click emotionally. I get hit on frequently by guys who are physically more attractive to me than Rene but with him there's just...something. There is definitely a chance Rene and I wouldn't make it as partners - but I'm positive he and I will always feel this way.

So complicated. I never thought anything like this would happen to me. Thanks for listening. :-)

[pellaz]

it sounds like your mind is made up, for Rene. all good.

i distrust personal sparks, chemistry, spiritual anything, and anyone that clicks emotionally. i would stay with Mark and marry him Iowa or NY asap. Most relationships burn out after the 7year itch and i think this is un necessary.

4some?

[RobertFriendly]

Pellaz: It's about 50/50 I guess and I'm hoping someone will say something that will "click" and feel right.

[dlboy53]

Have you sat down with Mark and really talked to him about your feeling and about the relationship you two have. If your feeling a void then my guess Mark might be feeling a void as well. You two need to connect again if possible. i hate to see people break up over 15 years of being together.

[zeon]

Hello,
If i was you I would stick with what you have now... This rene may feel love but its actually lust... The sadness you feel is because you are pining for him and some love or response from him... Least with mark you know what you have got and can work on improving that... If you think of it this way... Firstly if you split with mark whether you remain friends or not if you go with rene you could find firstly it only last a month two months half a year or longer however in order for him to be better than mark your have to be with him for 16 years.... What if this relationship with rene did go tits up and mark met someone else??? You would be worse off than now... Cherish what you got and be thankful you have met a wonderful person... Why dont you let mark know that you would be lost without him??? Just because you have been together for 15 years doesnt mean you cant keep on flirting?

kindest regards

zeon x

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Safe, secure, companionship, business partner, shared history....

That is what long term relationships are made of. This is the whole point of marriage - that is the goal. Happily passionately ever after doesn't happen.

War and conflict, moments of hot passion and long periods of seeming indifference is what marriage is about.

I think Rene is allowing you to see a different life. A bit of spice and passion, but I assure you 15 years down the road with Rene will most likely have the same sort of thing as with Mark today.

[RobertFriendly]

Have you sat down with Mark and really talked to him about your feeling and about the relationship you two have. If your feeling a void then my guess Mark might be feeling a void as well. You two need to connect again if possible. i hate to see people break up over 15 years of being together.

I have and we have agreed to go to a councilor together. It's hard because Mark doesn't see anything wrong with our relationship. I've also booked a romantic vacation for us over the holidays hoping it will spark something.

[RobertFriendly]

I assure you 15 years down the road with Rene will most likely have the same sort of thing as with Mark today.

I do know that in my head of course. My head says I could get together with Rene and we could be done in a year....but my heart is telling me it would be a HELL of a year!!