Mate has not been honest with me

[hotstud07]

My mate and I had dinner last night and what he told me made me think about our relationship.

We have an agreement that he can do stuff with other girls but that he won't do stuff with other guys. He told me when we met that when it comes to other guys that there would be a 5% chance that he would do something with them which I didn't understand why he would mention this in the first place.

I asked him are you telling me that you are interested in doing stuff with other dudes. And he says no if I did I would either try to get with another girl or I have you on speed dial and I would just give you a call. He also said to me that if I'm going to do stuff with a guy then it's going to happen.

I don't buy this 5% thingy. How can you possibly give a percentage on how likely it would be that you would do something with another dude? It makes me feel like he's going to cheat on me and in the past he has mentioned that he has contemplated doing things with another guy while being with me though he won't mention who and just says that no one in particular. Sorry to say if I was thinking of doing something with another dude I would have had someone in mind.

Most importantly he said that one of his mates was going to bring a girl up to his place. I asked him when that day was if I could come up and for the first time he said that he didn't want me to waste any gas coming up which he never says so I suspected something else was going down. He had been acting strange the day before this girl was going to be coming up. That night I got him food and he replied Hu which I have been told stands for hook up. When I saw him in person the next day to see if I could come up that day he said something about the girl is going to tell me about hitting it and I asked him for clarification and he said about hitting it off. That told me something was up and that he wouldn't allow me to come up. It sounds like he was giving me clues. And I knew something had happened because he posted a pic of this mate that brought up the girl and it was a pic of that dude and this girl with no comments or names which he usually posts something. It's randomly on there on his wall. To me that is like his trophy since he scored with this girl and no telling if he probably did something with this other dude because he has mentioned he is all; up for doing stuff like this.

I asked him when we had dinner if anything had happened over the weekend and he said no I went to bed early and was tired. Turns out when we go back to his place his friend in there and he mentions about that he messed around with this dudes girl and all of a sudden the version of everything was completely different so he lied to me.

I need to get your perspectives in this. When he randomly mentions that there would be a 5% chance that he would do something with another dude I don't buy it do you? From what he has stated is it that he is saying to me that he wants to do stuff with other dudes? I don't know why he mentioned it? I am upset that he lied about what happened over the weekend.

[ZackT]

That 5% thing, it's not really meant to be an exact figure. I'd like to think that if he told you about this up front, that he's trying to be honest and just get the message across that there's a small chance of him doing something with another man.

I'm assuming your guy is Bi?

So yea, he scored with the girl, and maybe with the guy too. Maybe they had a 3 way. Who knows.

My question is this - Why are you ok with him doing stuff with girls, but not guys? It's the same thing, he's being unfaithful to you and if it's not ok with guys, then what's so special about girls that you think it'll turn out fine? If you were looking for a compromise, I think you found the wrong one. I'm not trying to be mean here, but if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, you can't tell your partner that it's ok for them to sleep with certain people but not others.

I'd say try and get a hold of him and get the facts. If he won't tell you what the facts are, it's kind've obvious what happened. The biggest reason (and I think most likely reason) that he wouldn't tell you is because he strayed with another man and doesn't want to admit it. I say, you want monogamy? Find someone who wants that from the start too.

[hotstud07]

I was thinking too that when he says that if he is interested in another dude that he would call a girl or that he would have me on speed dial and contact me that this doesn't make sense because if you're interested in someone then you're going to do something with them point blank bottom line.

And to answer your question it was an agreement that we had made with each other that he said to me that when it comes to other guys that he would be committed to me. That's the reason. It sounds like you think that is being unfair to be that way with him so if that's the case then that sounds like maybe I need to rethink that and allow him to do stuff with other guys.

With respect to the 5% thingy I agree that it's not actually a percentage. He is bisexual and that means he is sexually attracted to both male and female. If there is a guy that interests him then there's no way to put a percentage and in my opinion it's hard for someone to say that there's a slim chance that it would happen because if you're interested in someone then you are going to go for it.

He is always concerned about privacy and others not finding out. He told me that I am the only one he has told that he is bisexual and if he does decide to do something with another dude he's going to do it. That's why he said if it is going to happen it's going to happen. He told me that if he did do something with another dude that he would tell me, but with him being so concerned about privacy it seems highly not probable that he would do so. It's like him telling a girl that he is doing stuff with another girl it isn't going to happen because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. This would be the same case in my view when it comes to me.

He essentially likes to have sex with a lot of people and if he does that with girls this makes it highly likely he would do the same thing when it comes to guys.

[fenris]

I think this % things and a bit open relationship don´t work. For my opinion there are only two options : no sex with people out of the relationship or free sex for all and this free-sex-for-all-think only work when there is no jealousy involved.
Honestly I don´t know what my man does, when he is at home for 14 days and honestly spoken : It is not important for me. ... If he comes back to me and I start counting all parts of his body are on the right place and nothing is missed :biggrin: so it can not be very wrong what he did when he was at home. Important is that all what the parts of a relationship are doing is safe.
It is not worth to destroy the masses of nerves by counting allowed sex, not allowed sex..... % and to hope that your man comes back. I always say : I know my worth...and if a partner decides for another guy ... Ok ... I can sure find something better but : I´m a macho...

[ZackT]

Some guys (and girls) are just like that. They want to have lots of sex with lots of people for whatever reason. Trophies, ego, sense of self worth, I dunno.

My main point is that if this openness is not something you're comfortable with, you gotta settle it with him. You have a few choices from here, I think.

You can either decide to try and deal with it and not let it upset you and continue on like things have been going.

You can decide to end it and move on now.

You can talk to him and let him know and lay down your feelings, tell him you ain't comfortable with this secrecy and outside sex and leave it up to him to decide if he wants to stay exclusive to you or end it.



It's up to you, but my guess is you wouldn't be happy letting things continue on the way they have been. I suggest talking it out. I personally think that based on how you've described him, that it's probably not gonna end in your favor. But this guy needs to sort himself out first anyway. If he can't be honest to his close friends or family about who he is, how could you expect to have a long lasting satisfying relationship with him? He won't even admit to his friends or family that he's with you, from the sounds of it. That's not a very positive way to go.

[zeon]

Hello,
Id liker to ask is this your partner or you friend??? You refer to him as mate which indicates to me friend so im slightly confused.... Friends dont get offended usually when one tells a porkie pie about sleeping with someone they usually laugh it off calling em a dirty tart or something in a joking way

kindest regards

zeon x

[hotstud07]

I talked with him earlier and when we were talking I didn't mention anything about what had happened this past weekend. He said that this girl might stop up later tonight and when he said that he told me that he didn't mean to hide it from me or not to tell me but that I didn't ask about it so he feels that if I don't ask him then he isn't going to say anything.

I feel that what he told me was wrong because what he's essentially saying is that I'm going to keep things secret unless you ask me about it. I think that he should tell me willingly and by hiding it from me unless I ask him is showing that he has something to hide and it's secrecy.

I tell him everything that I do and I never expect him to have to ask me what I'm doing or any questions. I don't hide anything from him and that to me doesn't seem to be fair as far as being with someone.

As far as what the relationship has consisted of we have been friends but he told me that when it comes to guys that he is going to be exclusive with me, and the same thing when it comes to me. But, now with him bringing up that he might do something with another guy makes me feel uncomfortable.

He has cheated when he has had girlfriends and like I stated prior he likes to have sex with a bunch of girls so if that's the case then I'm more inclined to think that he would do the same when it comes to guys. I don't get the part where he says that if he was interested in another dude that he would first contact a girl and if that wasn't successful that he would contact me? It doesn't make sense because if he's interested in someone then he would more than likely get it on with them. Why would he contact a girl or me if he finds someone he's interested in?

[ceez]

I'm going to try to be as nice as possible.

First off are you two suppose to be in a real relationship? because its sounds like (and don't take this the wrong way) YOU ARE A BOOTY CALL. It sounds like he is predominantly straight and uses you as a last resort.

and does he even let you in come into his place? I could see this work if you were just screw buddies but if you want a real relationship then you're not going to find it with this guy his ego is way too big.

plus this is really not worth the time, a dozen handsome, decent, openly gay guys probably passed you as you were chasing after this jerk. and I apologize if I come off as rude but your guy is really pissing me off and I never even met him.

and I'm 90% sure he did something with the girl and the guy and if he will cheat with them then I'm pretty sure he'll cheat with anyone else that shows him attention whether its a guy, girl, goat , horse, doesn't matter a cheater is a cheater. I hope you find someone much nicer.

[hamsandwizh]

Hey! I'm in San Diego too!

Anyways, it sounds to me like you want a relationship and he doesn't seem to want a relationship, he wants to play the field. So it seems like you guys are in different parts of your life with regards to a relationship.

In my opinion if you're the only one he's told that he's bi that can make it tough to have a monogamous relationship with. Just from my own life, before I came out to my family and most of my friends there was no way I was going to be in a monogamous relationship because I wasn't out so no way I was going to be able to be in a relationship and hide it at the same time. I think you should look for someone who wants to be in a monogamous relationship as well, it'll be a lot less stressful in my opinion.