Forbidden Love

[Anonymous]

I have a wonderful -no, amazing -still no, fantastic -still not enough, the epitome of the best guy you will meet, friend. I could go into details of what makes him so great to me, but it doesn't matter in the context of this post. The issue that I need help with is that I have fallen hard for him, very hard, but he's already in a long relationship. Wrong thoughts keep going through my mind. My heart creeps closer to him. And I keep wanting more, but that is not my place, I know this. I fight and fight so hard against it. I berate myself every time my mind strays. As much as I desire him, it is wrong and I need help keeping him just a friend, because his friendship means so much to me. How to I fix my head so I stop having those thoughts and ideas?

[musicman2229]

Hi there.

I can empathize with your situation. I too harbor feelings for my best friend. He has given me support during my times of need the likes of which I couldn't expect from anybody. Alas, he's straight, in a committed relationship, and it's clear that nothing will ever come of it. For the first time in years, I'm managing to get my emotions under control so that I can be around him without driving myself nuts wishing we were together. A lot of people on this site have given me a lot of great advice on this subject.

For me, what has yielded the best results was allowing myself to feel whatever I feel, not berating myself for it, but keeping in mind at all times the simple fact that it will never work out. Try to look at it like you would look at hooking up with Brad Pitt (or whoever your secret movie star crush is). Yes, it would be great fun, but because of a number of factors, it will never happen. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy his movies, and that doesn't mean you have to cry yourself to sleep every night because it will never be.

I have been going through a lot of emotional trials over the past year, and I have grown substantially with how I deal with them. The biggest thing I have learned is that as long as you aren't hurting people, there are no forbidden thoughts. Thoughts are intangible. Actions are what we are judged by. You can't help who you like, so stop trying to! Just realize that reality dictates that some things will never be, and this is one of them. I love Ferraris. I will probably never own one, but I still love them. I have loved my best friend more than anyone else on the planet, and I can't imagine ever loving another guy as much as him. I can also remain objective and rational, and tell myself that somewhere, someday, I will find someone I love just as much as my buddy, and who loves me back in the same way. With 7 billion people on Earth, it's almost a statistical certainty.

In summary, stay objective, stop beating yourself up, learn to love yourself as much as you love him, and trust that things are going to work out for you. Also, understand that while you are certainly not alone, there aren't a whole lot of people who have gone through falling head-over-heels for their best friend who they know they can't date. When this issue resolves itself, which it will, understand that you will be a hell of a lot stronger person for it. Good luck dude.

[fenris]

Tell yourself that "he´s not yours"... it takes a lot of time till the brain accept that the feelings from your heart are wrong, but after a while it goes better.... and tell yourself always that a good friendship is all what you can get and hold... more will break the friendship.... and I think that the worst case what can happen.

[pellaz]

I have fallen hard for him, very hard, but he's already in a long relationship.

err; your friend is in a gay LTR right?
you could be in a good position, depending on your friends dating history. Nothing is to very long term. So hang in there till the break up, wait a month or so for him to be able to think for himself again. Then move in.

Serious
only real solution is acknowledge there are other fish.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

How to I fix my head so I stop having those thoughts and ideas?

You don't - or there is no way to 'fix' it. You will have these ideas, thoughts and fantasies.

Now try not to think of elephants.... I bet suddenly you are seeing elephants in your mind's eyes. Don't think about those elephants - I'm telling you you are not allowed to think of elephants.

Stop it. Stop thinking of elephants.

[SIZE="5"]I said don't think of the elephants.
[/SIZE]

Do you see how this is going. The more I deny you the ability to think of elephants, the more stubborn you are going to be and think of the elephants. To make it worse, your eyes are going back to that picture of the elephants - you can't help it because you know you are not supposed to think of elephants nor look at the elephants.

This is exactly what is going on in your head with this guy. The more you order yourself to not think about him, the more you forbid yourself to have feelings about him the more you are going to think about him and have feelings for him.

And each time you see him you will be stealing glances,if not down right staring at him because you have made him 'forbidden fruit'.

You need to just learn to live with the though of elephants, erm, him and the idea that you have an emotional attraction to him.

Its ok to have emotional attraction to 'forbidden fruit'. It is perfectly human to want that which we cannot have. What is not OK is to find ways to get what we want when we can't have it.

In privacy indulge yourself - mentally masturbate (or physically, whatever). Try to get him out of your system. Eventually the pang of unrequited love lessens, you will move on, you will find someone who can reciprocate.

Just don't try to force yourself to 'not' feel about him - it can't be done and that is usually where people get into trouble, the more they try not to think of something the more they think of it - and that leads to them doing things they shouldn't ought'a do.

[Genersis]

I think all the post so far have been good advice.
I don't have anything to add bar, good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. This is definitely one of those trials in life that make you stronger... Or jaded lol. While I knew most of the advice given already, nothing seems to get him off my mind. This is turning into a nine month long test of endurance, which only gets worse as time passes. There is the other obvious solution, to back off, but that SUCKS just because I can't control my emotions. I guess I was looking for that magic pill to handle myself better. I have to be very careful with myself because I become attached to people very easily and depression seems to becoming my life long friend, which is why I want to fix this unhealthy condition before anything regretful happens.

Ugh, I sound like a helpless SAP lol

[musicman2229]

Dude, the obvious solution is to do with him like you would do with any other crush you can't have: cut him out of your life completely, delete his number, his social networking pages, any pictures you have of him, etc., and never talk to him again. This is effective for getting rid of the standard day-to-day crush that breaks your heart.

But then, this isn't a standard day-to-day crush, is it? This is your best friend. You're walking an emotional knife edge right now, and best case scenario, you emerge from this happy and with a friend. Try putting some distance between the two of you. Don't cut him out, but give yourself things to do other than sitting around wallowing in self pity for what you can never have. If you are super busy with work, school, volunteering, etc., it will take your mind off him.

Sorry if the post seems harsh, but you talk about a magic pill to solve this very delicate problem, and we both know there isn't one. If you go to your library, I'm pretty sure you won't find "Turn the Romantic into the Plutonic in Six Easy Steps" on any of the shelves, and you certainly aren't going to get a consensus like that on this forum either. You have to figure out what works for you. And in the end, seeing as how most of us don't have degrees in psychology, that is all we can offer you as well.

I understand where you are coming from with getting attached to people. I suspect that it is one of those things that sucks in the short term but pays off in the long run. I can't dictate exactly what path you need to take to get past this thing, but I can be pretty sure that the first step is to give yourself a break.

[KJ1989]

But then, this isn't a standard day-to-day crush, is it? This is your best friend. You're walking an emotional knife edge right now, and best case scenario, you emerge from this happy and with a friend. Try putting some distance between the two of you. Don't cut him out, but give yourself things to do other than sitting around wallowing in self pity for what you can never have. If you are super busy with work, school, volunteering, etc., it will take your mind off him.

Couldn't agree more. I had this same problem for the first 2 years of my university life. Then I just decided I needed to make space. We are still best friends, in fact he's working in a different country right now, but we go out of our way to see each other.

A slight difference in my case is he actually knows I like him. He is straight and I told him I liked him when he wasn't in a relationship. He's still there, he's still my best friend. But if you give yourself some space from him, you'll realize that you can control your feelings for him and then after that (i found) no matter how much you hang out with him it won't matter.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Thank you everyone. This is definitely one of those trials in life that make you stronger... Or jaded lol. While I knew most of the advice given already, nothing seems to get him off my mind. This is turning into a nine month long test of endurance, which only gets worse as time passes. There is the other obvious solution, to back off, but that SUCKS just because I can't control my emotions. I guess I was looking for that magic pill to handle myself better. I have to be very careful with myself because I become attached to people very easily and depression seems to becoming my life long friend, which is why I want to fix this unhealthy condition before anything regretful happens.

Ugh, I sound like a helpless SAP lol

Controlling one's emotions may seem like a great idea, until we look at what most people think of as 'control' - most view control as destroying our emotions, stomping them down, hiding them, rolling them up into tiny hard lumps and swallowing. That is unhealthy. It usually means we are burying those emotions - eventually they come back up usually in self destructive behaviors, cutting, drinking, drug use, suicide....

Master your passions before your passions master you.

Great saying - yes? What the $#@% does it mean?

It does NOT mean to stuff your emotions in a box and hide them. It means to flow with your emotions, to analyze them and 'live with' them. Take anger, anger is a healthy emotion - it is a motivator. It causes us to seek change. It is unhealthy if that change is in the form of putting holes in the walls with our fists, but it is healthy if we learn to understand the cause and work in constructive ways to change whatever angers us.

This is a form of Passions Mastery.

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions". – Alfred Lord Tennyson

There are good deal of self help books and websites out there on the general subject: http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...47&bih=609

While most focus on the 'negative' emotions (anger, fear, anxiety, grief) there is occasion when we need to temper love, passion, happiness, joy, etc.


In a safe place (at home, alone) you are going to need to explore the fuller depth of feeling you have here for this person. These emotions you have are valid - and there is a reason why you have them. You need to discover the 'why' and work on that, find a resolution.

The up side to this is that you have a representation of your 'ideal mate' before you. Untouchable, yes, but he can be a useful tool in in finding another man that has those qualities that you are attracted to. Meditate (think) upon the qualities he possesses that you find appealing, then when you are looking for attainable mates you can consciously focus on these qualities.

You are 'denying' yourself the ability to 'work through' your feelings. You are dead set on not loving him. Instead do love him, allow yourself to experience that love - in the privacy of your own place and explore these emotions to get a better grip on the why you have them.

It is not easy. Most of us spend thousands of dollars to go to visit a professional for an hour a week, and s/he sits there and asks us at every point 'and how does that make you feel?'.

Since you admitted you are prone to post-love depression, you may want to seriously consider therapy to work on the 'why' on that as well. While some sadness is to be expected, depression is not 'healthy' and if you are depressed for too long you will eventually end up chronically depressed.

There are no simple answers. Emotions are complex, we each are motivated slightly differently when it comes to each emotion. A professional to help you 'master' this particular instance of love may be what you need.