I know my advice is not usually welcome on this subject but in case it will help....I would just put the cheating aside and mentally and emotionally compartmentalize and just forget about it and instead deal with the the situation as a lie. Focus on the lie because when you focus on the cheating it can be emotional and you will maybe be vulnerable to emotional blackmail and manipulation. A lie is much easier to confront.
If you can get past the cheating BEFORE you bring it up you will have gold in your pocket. Cheating NEVER has anything to do with the person being cheated on and so many people make the mistake of slipping into a victim mode (whats wrong with me? what did I do?...blah blah blah).. the REAL issue is the lie in my opinion. I think alot of people waste time playing out the first scenario when they should be focused on the lie.
He is putting your life at risk. You need to confront this.
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Hi and welcome,
First let me say , you are not intruding here.
There is not much more I can say that has not already be said.
I am a fairly direct person so I will just come out with it.( no insult or insensitivity meant.)
You said you felt horrible having to spy on him, my question is are you really willing to change into this suspicious person that trust's no one?
This kind of behavior will spill over into your day to day activities and to your children.
I am also concerned with your physical as well as mental health.
You have three young ones that you are responsible for.
As they grow and develop in the environment that you have provided for them , they learn so much from your behavior , they can pick up on so many things that you are not aware of.
Including how to treat their partner in a union be it marriage or what ever.
The building blocks you provide will be the children learned behavior.
Don't be someones doormat , do not avoid confrontation for the sake of denial.
Here for you , keep us posted.
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calicandy70 Wrote:... need of advice and would appreciate it from a gay perspective ...
the gay perspective, at least my perspective, is gay straight or bi relationships are the same.
-The gay community is no more promiscuous than the straights
-Sodomy is only a sin in Texas.
-your husband sexing men is not any different than on the ladies.
Over all there is more than just a bit of denial coming from you through the years. You know the shiz will hit the fan sometime. Prepare to leave him for a better life. Than leave.
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Well. welcome to GS . . . and people of all different sexualities (straight, bi, gay, lesbian, etc.) and life experiences are welcome here as long as they are respectful of others.
I am sorry to hear about what is going on with your husband, as others have said, cheating is cheating, and you should not have to put up with it. Having said that, having 3 children and no employment does complicate things for you. But, you are certainly not the first woman to experience this, so you are not alone at all. Remember that.
It is true that children tend to be healthier and better adjusted when they have two parents raising them in a loving home. If he was beating you or in any other way abusive to you or your children, I would be yelling at the top of my lungs to get out of the situation. But, there are alternatives to separation and divorce when it comes to infidelity. I highly suggest counseling for you and your husband. You should at least see if you can work past your current difficulties. He needs to be confronted about his behaviors and held responsible for them. He needs to realize that he is hurting you emotionally and, even worse, that he is putting your health at risk by having these casual flings with men and women.
It is hard to know if he is gay, bi, or simply straight with some curiosity. All of those things are potentialities. There is such a thing as latent homosexuality, and there are people who just have a curiosity they need to fulfill. It runs the gamut.
You need to get to the heart of the problem, and that is going to mean hard work for both you and your husband.
I wish you the best of luck in what ever you decide. Big hugs.
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I just wanted to thank you all so much for your kind words and input. I finally confronted him. At first he started to deny it, but with all the proof i had, he finally caved in. He swore to me up and down that he didn't actually meet anyone. I told him that out of respect as the mother of his children, he needs to tell me if I need to get tested ( I am getting tested regardless and have an appt. on Monday) he swears to me "no"...he never acted on it. He told me he was at work and since he had to work through the night he was using cocaine and then started looking at Craigslist and answered a few ads. He said he wasn't in his right mind and swore he never acted on anything. He says he is not bisexual, or gay and that he was just curious and doing it for fun and that it was harmless. He said he feels horrible. I told him I can't look him right now, that he needs help with his drug use and that I wasn't sure what to do and left it at that. I confided in a friend who went through something similar a few years ago. She gave me her attorney's number and seems to think that since my husband makes a good size income, if we divorce I should be able to remain a stay at home mom a little longer or at least until the dust settles which is what she did.. and even still right now she is just holding a part time job..and she only has 1 child. (a sigh of relief on my part!). I plan on calling the attorney tomorrow to see what my options are but am not going to say anything to my husband until I have a plan in place. I HAVE been asking all the wrong questions, it really doesn't matter if he's gay, bi or whatever ..I need to figure out if this is the way I want to keep living my life..and I just can't do this anymore. And it's not just the lying, it's the drug and alcohol use. It's emotionally exhausting. I just hope he can clean up for the sake of our kids. Thank you all again...you all have been so kind and I appreciate your advice.
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The lying goes hand in hand with drug and alcohol abuse, and I just want to say that none of these things are your fault, the choices that were made were made exclusively by him so you should feel no guilt or shame.
I know these situations are draining and emotionally exhausting, especially with 3 kids...BUT that is who you have to do this for. You can't live in an environment where you are trying to teach your kids good habits while they are watching their father abuse drugs and alcohol with seemingly no consequences. You have to show your kids that there are consequences and scare the bloody hell out of them so they aren't encouraged by their fathers habits.
Once you make up your mind you WILL see the light at the end of the tunnel 
I wish you all the very best with the attorney and your tests, and I wish for a pleasant future for your children
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You are welcome here of course.
When I think of your husband and his behavior the word that comes to mind isn't: gay, straight, bi, etc. but unfaithful he has cheated on you with both sexes. He doesnt look like he's going to stop and you don't deserve this kind of treatment.
It's a little to late to tell you that you shouldn't enter into a relationship in which you are completely financially dependent on the other person, but just because you already did so doesn't mean you're stuck there, you can get a job or even training for a more lucrative job is an option (there is no reason to quickly flee as you've put up with so much for this long) and should you get a divorce (IMO, you should) a judge will grant you child-support and alimony to supplement you're income and he won't get partial custody as you can easily prove his infidelities.
as for your 3 happy, well-adjusted children, they will become 3 unhappy, mal-adjusted children if raised in this environment (this was already explained above).
Not to make this all sound easy, it won't be. But my mother was in the same position many years ago and (the problems were much more complicated than chronic infidelity) and she went back to work and then left him and believe me if she can do it so can you.
Remember I turned out fine ( I think, lol) and as I harbor no ill will to my mother, but am proud of her for what she did, I surmise your children will ultimately feel the same way.
The bottom line is you don't deserve to be treated like this and did nothing to cause it.
The posts above are also filled with good information such as the need to get tested for STD's.
The best of luck
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I think we are all wishing you all the best in what you are going through, Calicandy70. It sounds like you are a strong woman, and you should be proud of that.
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Hi and welcome! Like other's have said here, you're not intruding!
I just read all the posts and replies and wanted to add some more advice - that i don't recall reading on any of the posts: COUNSELING FOR YOU!
Clearly he needs to seek addiction therapy - but he's ONLY going to go when he's hit "rock bottom." Now, that may be you serving him divorce/separation papers or perhaps not. But no matter how things play out in the next few weeks - you have to find out if he's ready to get help for his addiction. Then, regardless of his answer - YOU NEED TO SEE A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR.
Look, based on your posts, you've been dealing with this anxiety about infidelity for more than 10 years. You need to get some help and tools on how to rebuild YOURSELF. YOu need to face your own co-dependency issues (the fact that you have no support system is the IDEAL situation for a man with control and addiction issues. (NOTE: I belive his cheating is linked to his overall addiction issues - he loves the THRILL and RUSH of drugs AND chasing another person for sex). I'm sure he swore up and down that the women he cheated with "meant nothing to him" - a common statement of a sex addict! I call him a sex addict because i truely belive he has an addictive personality. I'm guessing he's a work-a-holic too. Yes? Maybe a high-stress job? See, all that adds to the addiction of the RUSH of being successful at work, getting a woman to have sex with him, getting a guy to agree to have sex with him and, of course - drugs.
I'm also guessing he's probably REALLY good at his job, right? A type-A personality?
Anyway, you do have alot on your plate and it's good you're seeing a lawyer (yes, they will go thru all the steps you can take to protect your income, home, welfare of the kids, etc) so you know your options. But please, be sure to find a good mental health counselor so you can work on YOU - and not make it ALL about him. COOL?
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Thanks BobinTampa..geez talk about hitting the nail on the head! You pretty much have him pegged. I appreciate your advice about a counselor. I actually have been thinking about it and I think it would do some good.
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Straight wife seeking advice
