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I agree with meridannight and BlueStar.
It may not be politely stated, but I feel it's appropriate. The OP admits to not being attracted to his husband, that he moved out and married him to get away from his parents (he never states he married his partner for love), they don't make love, just mutual jerking off, he cheated on his husband, and doesn't want to stay in the relationship because he doesn't want to 'drink himself to death like his parents'.
He's stated he's staying married to his husband because he's an 'introvert' and fears being alone, and never once wonders what all of this is doing to his husband.
I agree with everything Meridannight said, and see no reason for the post to be moderated.
![[Image: 51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg]](https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg) <<< It's mine!
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There are opinions and there is abuse. Calling anyone a bunch of names isn't counsel, it's gratuitous anger. Ranting at someone isn't merely "impolite," just as rape isn't merely oversexed. It crosses a line. If we needed righteous anger, we could tune in a televangelist.
The next time someone blathers on about how GS is so nice and whatnot, this will prove it a duplicitous assessment.
Moreover, the suggestion that anyone's relationship MUST be glued together by love is more than a bit subjective and idealized. People have and do stay together in marriages for a wide array of reasons. Honest couples would admit it. That the OP isn't living a Disney fairy tale is hardly reason to abuse the member.
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Hardheaded1 Wrote:There are opinions and there is abuse. Calling anyone a bunch of names isn't counsel, it's gratuitous anger. Ranting at someone isn't merely "impolite," just as rape isn't merely oversexed. It crosses a line. If we needed righteous anger, we could tune in a televangelist.
The next time someone blathers on about how GS is so nice and whatnot, this will prove it a duplicitous assessment.
Moreover, the suggestion that anyone's relationship MUST be glued together by love is more than a bit subjective and idealized. People have and do stay together in marriages for a wide array of reasons. Honest couples would admit it. That the OP isn't living a Disney fairy tale is hardly reason to abuse the member.
meridannight never said anything about being glued together by love, and neither did BlueStar or I.
Relationships fail all the time, it happens, it's a fact of life, and you have two choices when it happens.
You can be an adult, approach your partner/spouse and say it's over, and break it off.
You can cheat on them, lead them on into believing you still love them by staying, all the while not loving them or being attracted to them, seeking others to fill what you're missing, and complain about laying in the bed that you've made.
The OP has chosen option two, which not only hurts himself, but his husband.
If one of my married friends came to me and told me what the OP has said, my response wouldn't be very different.
When you behave badly, admit that you're behaving badly, and that you have no intention of changing, don't expect support.
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There is the clear implication that the failure is all on the part of the OP. I've seen few such relationships in which the partner didn't bear his share of pasting things together in denial.
Any sage person knows this isn't a black and white issue, and that both bear responsibility. I'm not sure why a man coming to discuss it in an open forum should be subject to gross abuse and name calling. Rejecting his choices, even strongly, doesn't require the abuse. These forums always seem to need whipping boys.
Almost any member here posting honestly about his mistakes could anger someone who has a rabid temper. That doesn't make it right to tear into every one over some pet issue.
We doubtless have members who have slept with married men. We have members who have sleep with underage men. We have members who have used drugs or alcohol to get men to bed. If everyone here fessed up, it'd be a regular shooting gallery in here.
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Hardheaded1 Wrote:There is the clear implication that the failure is all on the part of the OP. I've seen few such relationships in which the partner didn't bear his share of pasting things together in denial.
Any sage person knows this isn't a black and white issue, and that both bear responsibility. I'm not sure why a man coming to discuss it in an open forum should be subject to gross abuse and name calling. Rejecting his choices, even strongly, doesn't require the abuse. These forums always seem to need whipping boys.
You are correct that when a relationship fails there is (usually) blame on both sides.
In this instance, we don't have that information. The OP has not said anything like "my spouse is abusive, cheats, has poor hygiene, is emotionally distant, has stolen from me...."
We don't know what part the spouse has played, OP hasn't given us that.
I would be agreeing with you on MN's post if the OP had come in and simply talked about generic problems in his relationship. He didn't do that. Instead, the OP:
Admits he's been with this person for 10 years without being attracted to him.
Married him in spite of his lack of attraction
Moved in with him to get away from his family (not because he loved him)
thinks about being with other men
has cheated on his partner
Is only staying with him because he fears being alone
Never says he worries about what this is doing to his husband, or shows concern for him
When you admit to all that, you're going to get strong responses.
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CellarDweller Wrote:The OP has not said anything like "my spouse is abusive, cheats, has poor hygiene, is emotionally distant, has stolen from me...."
To wit:
BlueSky Wrote:When I agreed to be his BF
It certainly implied that the arrangement came to be after some wheedling or persuasion by the BF.
The People's Exhibit #2 :
BlueSky Wrote:Then I became aware of his controlling nature
CellarDweller Wrote:We don't know what part the spouse has played, OP hasn't given us that.
All the more reason to cut the OP some slack rather than simply calling him names. We never get the other side of any post in here. It's always the member's side.
CellarDweller Wrote:[the OP] Never says he worries about what this is doing to his husband, or shows concern for him.
That is untrue:
BlueSky Wrote:I love him but in a platonic way,
BlueSky Wrote:I do care for him deeply.
BlueSky Wrote:It’s not fair to him or me.
BlueSky Wrote:Reading my post again, I can see what what I suggested is downright awful.
BlueSky Wrote:I will muster up the courage to tell him the truth as he deserves.
From the excepts cited, it is obvious he does indeed care for his husband and has repeatedly shown concern for him.
It is also notable that all the excerpts preceded Meridannight's vituperation.
CellarDweller Wrote:When you admit to all that, you're going to get strong responses.
Let's see what "strong responses" look like:
Meridannight Wrote:you're a fucking dick!
. . .
you're such a fucking asshole.
Abuse, plainly. Not merely "strong responses."
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The guy who I credit with pretty much saving my life once talked to me like meridan talked to the OP...and I wanted to kiss the ground he walked on...after I got past being
"insulted and angry". He pulled me out of a serious downward spiral because he had the balls to verbally slap me...and I NEEDED to be slapped....
It was difficult to hear but it was the one thing I NEEDED to hear...
It is great when help can be sunshinely and "feel good" but sometimes...that will NOT do the trick...
The OP has had a variety of responses here...and hopefully one of them will get through to him.
Nothing meridian said was not relevant.....
Personally...I have seen too much in my life and since the OP is owning his shit now I am inclined to assume he had good intentions and wished that things could have been different. I also have a hunch that if he leaves...he might realize he actually DID love him and was more attracted to him that he thought...and it might be too late...just guesses here but I have seen a lot of relationships play out and so the black and white thing doesn't really work for me in this situation...but I can definitely see why other people would see it that way....
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CellarDweller Wrote:I agree with meridannight and BlueStar.
It may not be politely stated, but I feel it's appropriate. The OP admits to not being attracted to his husband, that he moved out and married him to get away from his parents (he never states he married his partner for love), they don't make love, just mutual jerking off, he cheated on his husband, and doesn't want to stay in the relationship because he doesn't want to 'drink himself to death like his parents'.
He's stated he's staying married to his husband because he's an 'introvert' and fears being alone, and never once wonders what all of this is doing to his husband.
I agree with everything Meridannight said, and see no reason for the post to be moderated. Plus 1. I agree as well.
~Beaux
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