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is he cheating on me???
#1
Ok, i'm not themost confident of guys. I constantly suspect my boyfriend of cheating and a few days ago i thought i found damning evidence of this. first of all i must clarify that we haven't seen each other in a few weeks since i'm living in sweden and studying abroad this semester.
ok...so we kept in contact and we promised each other that if we were going to have sex with anyone whether intentional or not that we would inform each other and that we were allowed to do so as long as we informed each other about it
anyway, i asked him one day if he was seeing anyone while i was gone, he said that he hadn't. i didn't really believe him as he is a really horny guy who is known for being promiscuous and has had hundreds of one night stands-he is 35 by the way.
i created an account on gayder, jealously and proceeded to add a picture of an attractive guy from the internet on to the account. i messaged him and asked him how he was, what he was looking for (he replied that he was just going with the flow and not looking for anything in particular but was open tn things), i asked him when was the last time he had had sex and he said, not until last week, (bear in mind, i had left the country 3 weeks at this stage), i then revealed myself to be myself on the account and he said, that he knew it was either me or some other guy, that he only said that he had met someone a week ago to find out if it was me and knew i would reveal myself, that he thought it was suspicious that a new account with no views would message him out of the blue, and whatnot. he also said he expected me to do this for a while as i am an insecure and untrusting guy.
i want advice on this, was this excuse a good one, do you think i should trust him? i really don't know, feel free to bash me and my sneaking around, he did and said he was disappointed in me checking up on him and we seemed to patch things up but he has been a bit standoffish with me now, please someone tell me what u think of the whole situation.
#2
Hello, Lazyboy, and Welcome to GaySpeak. I guess the boys haven't read your post yet, since no one has answered. I'll give it a read and get back to you. I just wanted to say you're in the right place to ask questions and compare your life experience to ours.
#3
Well, about your post. Why do you suspect your boyfriend of being unfaithful to you or of lying to you? You say you know he's horny and you've practically given him permission to have sex when he wants to (and I suppose the option is open to you too in Sweden, should the case arise). Given that the relationship is an open one, and therefore he has no reason to try to make you jealous, or even to deceive you, why do you think he would not tell you about having sex outside of your relationship? What exactly would he gain from it?

Somehow it sounds almost as if you want to catch him out cheating on you. But why? And is he really cheating on you if he's having sex outside your relationship when you specifically gave him authorisation to?

I don't know the specifics of the rules you set up together, but it doesn't sound as if he has to tell you BEFORE he has a fling, does it? Maybe the fact that he knows you're insecure and a bit paranoid is one of the reasons he's not telling you anything, or maybe nothing is happening to be worried about., or at least nothing that he sees as potentially damaging to your relationship.

The fact you tried to catch him out and were being dishonest about it may be what you should work on, because as far as you know, he's not done anything wrong, but you, in trying to trick him have breached his trust, even though he expected you to play mind games with him. I'd say he knows you pretty well.

Stop playing the mind games. If you're going to give him leave to have sex outside your relationship, then you have to trust him to be careful and take care of himself (and of you) and that's that. All you can do from your distance is assure him that you miss him, want to be with him soon, etc... if that's the case, and that you love him. By being realistic in your expectations, you'll show that you're mature enough for the relationship to last, despite the miles between you.

It is quite possible that he's not tried to look for hook-ups outside your relationship, even if the temptation is there and if you've given him permission. He may sense that the permission is more conditional than you explained or intended. If he loves you, he's capable of not infringing your agreement.

How long will you be gone for?
#4
well he said if he went off with any other guys he would tell me and i had asked him earlier that day on skype if he had and he said no, i just wanted him to be honest, am not so hurt about him going off with people as long as he informs me of it, that's all i asked of him. i know i was wrong, it is something i definitely need to work on. i was jealous and it's not a healthy way to be for sure. i know i was partly in wrong, but the idea that he may be trying to trick me and be secretive tortures me for sure as well.
#5
In that case, I wonder whether it wouldn't have been simpler to ask him to be true to you and not get sex outside the relationship... But why the lack of confidence in your own charm and power of attraction?
#6
lazyboy Wrote:Ok, i'm not themost confident of guys. I constantly suspect my boyfriend of cheating


Are you this way with anyone or is it you lack of trust in him only that's causing this?


lazyboy Wrote:he is a really horny guy who is known for being promiscuous and has had hundreds of one night stands
Probably wise to be suspicious if that's his reputation.

lazyboy Wrote:i created an account on gayder, jealously and proceeded to add a picture of an attractive guy from the internet on to the account. i messaged him and asked him how he was, what he was looking for (he replied that he was just going with the flow and not looking for anything in particular but was open tn things), i asked him when was the last time he had had sex and he said, not until last week, (bear in mind, i had left the country 3 weeks at this stage), i then revealed myself to be myself on the account and he said, that he knew it was either me or some other guy, that he only said that he had met someone a week ago to find out if it was me and knew i would reveal myself, that he thought it was suspicious that a new account with no views would message him out of the blue, and whatnot. he also said he expected me to do this for a while as i am an insecure and untrusting guy.

Whoa, hold it, stop right there. This is playing head game, and that is never good.

Both of you need to stop this immature B.S. and talk openly and honestly regardless of it you think it will hurt the other's feelings or, even if you think the other might break up with you for saying and asking what you need to say and ask. Just be honest and demand the same of him, figure out where you want your relationship to be and, what you expect and need from each other, and go from there to decide what will be best for you both in the long term.
#7
ok, as to whether he was actually cheating on me, i don't think i've gotten any helpful information but i realise my behaviour was out of order and unhealthy so I thank you for all your help guys.
#8
I am going to be blunt here and I may be wrong of course but just in case you need to hear it...here goes.

People who think other people are cheating are often projecting their own thoughts or actions on to the other person. Alot of people want to see themselves as "pure and virtuous" for reasons that escape me and the truth is they have alot of sexual fantasies about other people that they may not be able to own or face up to because they are supposed to be true to their lover and uphold some kind fo false image of themselves...they usually disassociate their own behavior and project this to their partners or assume their partners are doing the same thing. This is VERY COMMON and it is hard to hear and usually the messenger gets shot but I think you might need to hear it.

Spying on him is something you KNOW that you did. It is completely unacceptable and if you address anything you should stop worrying about what he MAY be doing and address what you definitely ARE doing.
#9
Your tag says you are a gay man in a monogamous relationship.

This:
Quote:so we kept in contact and we promised each other that if we were going to have sex with anyone whether intentional or not that we would inform each other and that we were allowed to do so as long as we informed each other about it

Is not monogamy, this is an open relationship.

Monogamy is where both partners are true to one another and have no sex outside of that relationship. If either one of you is open to the idea of being able to go out and mess around with other guys, then you can't say this is monogamy.

Since this is an open relationship, then really he can't cheat on you. Its impossible. You gave him permission to mess around as much as he pleases.

Cheating implies he went out and had sex without your permission. Honey, he has your permission to go out and do whatever. HE can't cheat, no matter how many men he goes to bed with, what sex acts he performs. An open relationship takes the whole cheating aspect out of the rulebook.

If you want monogamy, then you have to take out that open sex policy.

Weather he tells you or not is not really a good deal for you. You are already the jealous type, so even telling you he had sex is going to turn into a resentment planting session for you.
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[SIZE=4]I told you I had the body of a 25 year old....

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#10
Sweetie , when you go out of your way ,to set someone up, they are most likely to fall.
Trust is the corner stone of a relationship, if you do not have it, there is no use in trying to keep it together.

You have already fallen into the trap of setting him up , spying on him , invading his privacy and deceiving him.
I know you are feeling insecure , but giving in to those insecurities in order to spy on him , will just push him in a different direction.


We are all here for you.
Bighug


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