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what is wrong with me?
#1
I do need help from you guys. My story goes as follows. I will try to make it short. Anyways I am attracted to some guys, if not I would not have been here. The ones that I try to meet are online mostly and the few websites I have been to, it seems everyone is into hookups regardless of them saying they want ltr. In all honesty I want to have a ltr with someone and start slow but everyone wants to sleep around etc..

I have been in few other relationships but it was short lived and more friends than sex, so trying to find that now is harder. I also think that I am afraid of sex, I mean doing oral or sexually being with someone. The relationships that I was in before was short lived and only did oral a few times. I like the idea of having someone to love and vs. I have also been burned before in my last relationships since the guy was cheating with other guys and did not tell me, luckily with him also there was no sex, just fooling around and cuddling.

Am I to say that I have an issue with being close or am I scared of std's or trusting someone? With little info I have given you, I love to hear your input. Oh also was raised in stable religious family too so I am not out. All these feelings of wanting it are in me but afraid to act on it. It feels horrible.

I wish I could find someone that would be like me to start off slow and get over my fears.
#2
Hello, [MENTION=23745]mikeyhexagon[/MENTION], and Welcome to GaySpeak. It might help us to know a little more about your age and your background culture to help with advice that would pertain to your particular situation.
I gather that you are not out, and I also think that you are quite young, and relatively inexperienced (but that's just guessing).

So, yes, the Internet is full of options and possibilities but also full of traps which need to be avoided, but I'd say that is much of what adult life is about, no matter where you come from, avoiding the traps.

You say you are attracted to some guys, so far so good, I don't think anyone is attracted to all guys and at all times. So the thing is finding the 'right guy or guys' to help you feel wanted, loved, sexed and considered, and ultimately less lonely. I believe we get that.

So your background is rather religious (what kind of religion? Could you disclose?) and you are therefore not out to family. Are you out to some of your friends?

It is possible that you have an issue with being close and STDs but no one likes an STD or AIDS (really) and being close will mean being vulnerable at some point. Who do you trust with these things, who do you trust with your sense of safety? Believe me there are other guys out there who are exactly like you, afraid of living their lives, but here probably part of your fear is to do with the fact that once you've found that special someone, you'll have to make it public, in some way, and your fear may also be the fear of having to come out to friends and family. Being in the closet is not a nice place to be.

This is why I think it would help to know what cultural background you come from. Are you Caucasian, Black, Asian, mixed race? Do you live in Europe, America, Africa, Asia, etc... You don't have to say too much if you don't feel comfortable with it, but just enough to direct us in ways that will not be useless advice.
Take care, Mikey.
#3
Middle eastern but raised in the west. Not Muslim but then again in all religions being gay is forbidden so there is a sense of shame or guilt. Parents are elderly and will kill them literally if I tell them, they already have enough drama in their lives. I have not found that person to trust and love so what is the sense of being out and not everyone is open about their sexuality, I am a private person and what is between my legs is my business and not subject to entertain others or be their topic of prejudices.

The thing is probably that online is a bad place to start meeting people, believe me every week I get comments about size, orientation etc.. So low class. I was raised in a classy family and in our family we do not even talk about money, let alone sex etc.. So yes, I do appreciate your comments, you are a very nice person. I also think bi or gay or straight it is all labels and love is a complex thing.

My brain only sends a signal to my private part to have sex when I am in love or fallen for someone, compared to most guys who see sex as their satisfaction and once they get that, they leave and go to someone else.
#4
@mikeyhexagon, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are a very private person. You are right that it is nobody's business, really, what goes on in your heart and brain and groin, apart from the person with whom you want to share these things.

I think what I meant by 'giving' us 'your background' was to find out whether you were living in the west (since you were raised there) or if you were living in a society where it is still quite dangerous to be out, or come out as gay. These things may colour the level of safety you will be procured by letting yourself be yourself and also the way we orient our advice. We are surely worried for anyone's safety in these matters.

I understand that your parents would be very troubled if they are of Middle Eastern origin and if they are elderly. They would have to deal with their own concepts of normalcy, etiquette and righteousness. So it looks as if you might have to keep that part of your life a secret. Have you got siblings who were, like you, raised in the west? Would any of them be the kind to give you family advice? You did not disclose your age group, even though we now know your parents are aged. I realise that age doesn't necessarily make much difference, but if you were 50, I'd understand coming out to parents as more difficult than in one's twenties. It's a question of how long we've been expected or known to be something. We fear disapproval and rejection for a life choice that really was never a choice in the first place (it is perceived as a choice by some sections of society).

Online doesn't have to be the worst place to start looking for a partner, although I will concede to you that there are a lot of hookup sites. The gay dating experience seems to be a very masculine one in which 'we want to try the goods first' and then possibly buy. By that, I mean, we're ready to commit once we've gained sexual satisfaction. If the sex isn't good, why bother, right? It is not the way I function and think, so I'm guessing I'm not the only one to want more out of a relationship than just a one-night stand.

I think our female counterparts react in almost the opposite way (whether this is cultural or not, I don't know) : they want to trust the person first and fall in love and then maybe they'll deliver sex. It has to be said that for women, and for so long, the risk of having sex was almost always having to deal with a pregnancy (even though that changed in the 60s pretty much, I think it is still wired in).

So men would appear to be predators, whether gay or straight, but no all are, and I've heard more than one story about how people met online, not expecting to find their partners but finding them anyway, in the end. Such is society today, that probably your chances of meeting a like-minded person are probably greater online than in other spheres. Nonetheless, other spheres include work and study (a fellow worker or a fellow student - someone you already share an aspect of life with), or through interest groups (joining a sports club, or a dance club, or a drama club, or a choir or charity, etc. Anything, really where human beings of all ages and sexual persuasions come together for a similar cause, generally unrelated to sex). Some have also tried sex clubs and found their partners there.

For the moment, maybe you should just hang out with us at GaySpeak, for a while and sort out a few of your issues. This is not a dating site, and most people here are just ready to listen to a question and help finding some sort of positive outcome. But like all forums, it can, at times, become a little judgemental.

I don't personally think that not talking about money or sex are classy, but I understand what you mean, your family is very 'proper' and has a sense of decorum. However these subjects do matter and I definitely think a good, intelligent and informed conversation about those things is as important as being able to do small talk, or talk about any other erudite or run-of-the-mill subject. In affairs of the heart, money and sex are two key matters that it would be good to be able to discuss without displaying unnecessary (and unfair) prejudice.

What I'm thinking now, as I try to conclude, is that if you decide to go down the relationship way, living your sexual orientation as you see fit, is that not going to cause friction at any time, anyway? I could see you being very unhappy not being able to 'be yourself' and having to continue in the closet. Now, some people get to monitor their happiness by disclosing at least to some of their entourage, and by making sure that these friends respect that it's your disclosure to make to anyone else. Your parents could easily be spared especially if you don't live closeby. But how much would you like your parents to learn from another source, by mistake or through spite? Something to consider. Even aged parents are more astute than we give them credit for, and they might have an inkling of what your personality is like.

Last but not least, I think (like many others here) that there is nothing to be ashamed of from being gay (or whatever). These are things that are beyond our conscious control and they are only partly learned behaviour (partly cultural, in the same way as repressing it is cultural). We couldn't even blame our parents for making us 'gay', no more than we can blame them for the colour of our eyes, or skin... It's all part of the makeup of society. It's never easy to be different and in a minority, but it can have its perks. Concentrate on the good things of being different and try to get comfortable with the person you are. Once you can admit to yourself that this is who you are (take it or leave it) then it should be much easier to feel comfortable sharing it with someone of your own taste and kind. You know there are pitfalls, of course (but heterosexual men also have to deal with those) and so forewarned is forearmed, you can enter the circus wielding the right weapons. Self confidence is not only a great shield, it is also a great magnet for other people.
Take care,
PA
#5
NOTHING is wrong with YOU. Confusedmile:
#6
Hi Mikey.

I think you are dealing with more than one issue here. You want a loving, caring, faithful relationship where sex will follow naturally. I think lots of people want this, but finding it on the internet is kind of like finding it at a bar--not so easy. You also found out guys say they want a LTR but then start to push sex, so you have trouble trusting people.
Then you express a fear of sex. I think there is a difference between being careful and being fearful. Everyone should be careful.
Then you are afraid of hurting your parents, so the likelihood of your coming out during their lifetimes is small, right? This adds one more fear to your life.
You want someone you can go slowly with, so stick to that. You have to do what is right for you.

Is your sex drive what you would call normal? Do you jack off regularly? Do you feel guilty about it?
What kind of guys interest you? Do you have understanding friends or other family in your life that you can be yourself with? Sorry about all the questions but it might help to understand better, for both you and us.
#7
@Prince Wow you are an amazing kind person. You and [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION] totally get me. Ok just to answer a few questions. I am in my late 40's and even though I was raised in the west, my parents are from middle east. I am very open minded and I like a person first and then develop love and wanting to be physically close to them. To me cuddling is at times more pleasurable than sex and I had that with one or two guys who did not take it further, which was fine with me.

Like you both said finding that person is hard, even when I read some profiles and they all say that, they hardly keep the conversation. Now look wise I have been told numerous times that I am attractive so it is not even that. All I get is dirty talk and hookup requests despite my profiles on now one dating site.
[MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION] yes I do jack off and do not feel bad about it, guys who are attractive both physically and also have some moral tone to them attract me. I am coming to terms with what I am, since I was a kid I was attracted to a manly role model. My relationship with my dad is good but he is at times very authoritive but that is his upbringing.

Believe me had I been this age or even earlier and born into a family that was raising kids in the year 2016, I would not be ashamed or scared of the consequences to talk to my parents, but they are very fragile and sick. They will never comprehend it, not so much because they are prejudice but putting myself in their shoes being raised over 60 years ago, that is how it was back then.

My brothers are married and we are not that close to talk about these things, again they all have their own martial issues. So still happy that you both given me somethings to think about. I dated a guy 2 years ago and it was amazing no sex, we shared hobbies and interest and good times, we cuddled but he apparently wanted more and was seeing other guys for sex and still came here to enjoy my company. That hurt me, so I guess it was my fault, but then again why would I have gotten physically intimate with someone who cheats and sleeps around, in a way I was lucky.

Oh man, really life can be so complicated and painful, even if one is out still they have to deal with crap. I feel we are like X-Men the movie, we are good people yet looked down upon, hopefully that will change in the future. Thanks again.
#8
[MENTION=23745]mikeyhexagon[/MENTION], I hope you finally get to meet that special person. It's something we all dream of, but sometimes, coming from a different background, and living with different expectations, we have to wait longer than others. I know I did.
#9
As others have said, there's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with wanting emotional intimacy before physical intimacy.

Whether you are straight, gay, or bisexual, young, or old, wanting to connect with someone emotionally is a hard nut to crack and difficult to find.
Those who have HATE in their heart are HATEFUL PEOPLE
#10
You guys are wonderful. Thank you for your support. I am keeping busy with family and friends and running my business and if that special person comes along that is great, if not, then I am still complete. One thing I really love is that after we die and if you believe in afterlife, all souls are sexless, so I have a wider and better chance of meeting my soul mate. Hugs to you all.


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