Thinking about others during sex

[Colorfulme]

sometimes both of you just taking a shower at night or sleeping with less clothes on makes a noticeable difference and maybe not. I bet he dosnt care what you are thinking so long as the sex is good. If you have been with your partner 7-8years this is a known critical time in a relationship. Most break ups happen then.

if you can afford both the money and time go to some couples group sessions. Start lo cost and see if it works for you guys. Incorporate the group session into a vacation or something.

put a value on your relationship. I mean get your car stolen, loose a job but to have a husband there at your side is important.

I've tried numerous ideas brought up in therapy for brining more entertainment to our sex lives, all of them for the most part have been shot down. The worst part is he doesn't like anal. We've only done it once which was great for me but "disgusting" for him. I guess for him the whole thought seems unnatural regardless of how clean things are.

Couples therapy might be something to look into. I've been trying to work though this, I agree it's not something to take lightly.

Most of sex takes place between the ears, not between the legs.

It is what we are thinking that makes sex either a bad experience or the best damn sex we ever had.

Many people think of other people - fantasize about having sex with another person while having same sex with their partner (all marriages/long term relationships are same sex).

We humans are wired for variety. humanity would not exist if we were strictly monogamous. Monogamy is a man-made construct that defies the natural order (for us). Monogamy does serve fore-brain needs, thus is needed to a point, but we have a large hind brain which developed (as well as our bodies) to spread the seed far and wide.

Males are more prone to look for other partners (mentally or physically) as we are designed to spread our seed as far and wide as possible. Even the shape of the penis and the act of all of that pumping is to 'suck-out' competing semen before depositing our own.

The rational part of your brain is seeking a long term monogamous relationship - monogamy does serve its purposes and makes higher brain thinking relationships work. However you are still dealing with that animal hind brain and it needs to be satisfied as well, thus the brain concocts stories of sex with other people in order to satisfy its need for variety at the same time providing us with that much needed monogamy by 'acting' like we are monogamous.

Few people openly discuss their fantasy(s). But we all have the from time to time, and the further you travel into a same-sex relationship, same sex day after day, week after week, month after month year after year... (Sounds horrible no? ) the more fantasizes are going to play out.

This is why couple's counselors are keen on throwing out role playing to couples - break the monotony, make it feel like 'new sex' with a 'new' person. If your man never wears leather and suddenly dons a leather harness, a leather cup and a leather cap suddenly you are having sex with a brand new, interesting person....

Always understand that sex is supposed to be the icing on the cake. The cake is the other aspects of your relationship, the love, commitment, companionship, co-worker/co-player roles you have in all of the other aspects of the relationship.

If your only problem is he is not your physical type, then you are doing far better than many other couples who have serious conflicts between personalities and behaviors that a little mind masturbation can't fix.

It's interesting to look at our natural instincts and that makes it clearer why monogamy can be so tricky. I believe in it though even if it's not in our instincts.

He's not one into role playing, toys, or anything exciting. It's usually very vanilla with him. Your right sex should be icing on the cake, and that's what I've told myself but it's so difficult to keep doing that after 8 years. It feels like I'm missing out on something.

It could be worse in our relationship, I try to remind myself that. Still it seems wrong to have him so attracted to me all the while I do not find him to be my type.

I have always talked openly about my fantasies and encouraged my partner to do the same and in my opinion it is probably one of the best ingredients in a relationship.

The problem in my opinion is we are all encouraged to idealize love from the moment we pop out of the womb and it is ridiculous because so many people leave miserable lives with or without someone because of the stupid ideals other people planted in their head about how they "should" feel that they try to uphold...and then they die. What a waste...

Truth is...we are all sexual beings and having fantasies is completely normal so instead of shaming and guilting yourself and living in fear...own them...celebrate them...share them with your partner...

I'll try that, it's tough being open about your fantasies since they sometimes seem so silly and embarrassing :tongue:.

Love is idealized too often, I can't stand gay romance novels for that reason. I've tried not to do anything rash like breaking up knowing that. Still, it seems there should be some kind of spark or arousal over seeing my partner. Like the thought that I think he's cute. Hearing him say that and me not being able to reciprocate feels awful.