07-22-2016, 02:37 PM
@mikeyhexagon, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are a very private person. You are right that it is nobody's business, really, what goes on in your heart and brain and groin, apart from the person with whom you want to share these things.
I think what I meant by 'giving' us 'your background' was to find out whether you were living in the west (since you were raised there) or if you were living in a society where it is still quite dangerous to be out, or come out as gay. These things may colour the level of safety you will be procured by letting yourself be yourself and also the way we orient our advice. We are surely worried for anyone's safety in these matters.
I understand that your parents would be very troubled if they are of Middle Eastern origin and if they are elderly. They would have to deal with their own concepts of normalcy, etiquette and righteousness. So it looks as if you might have to keep that part of your life a secret. Have you got siblings who were, like you, raised in the west? Would any of them be the kind to give you family advice? You did not disclose your age group, even though we now know your parents are aged. I realise that age doesn't necessarily make much difference, but if you were 50, I'd understand coming out to parents as more difficult than in one's twenties. It's a question of how long we've been expected or known to be something. We fear disapproval and rejection for a life choice that really was never a choice in the first place (it is perceived as a choice by some sections of society).
Online doesn't have to be the worst place to start looking for a partner, although I will concede to you that there are a lot of hookup sites. The gay dating experience seems to be a very masculine one in which 'we want to try the goods first' and then possibly buy. By that, I mean, we're ready to commit once we've gained sexual satisfaction. If the sex isn't good, why bother, right? It is not the way I function and think, so I'm guessing I'm not the only one to want more out of a relationship than just a one-night stand.
I think our female counterparts react in almost the opposite way (whether this is cultural or not, I don't know) : they want to trust the person first and fall in love and then maybe they'll deliver sex. It has to be said that for women, and for so long, the risk of having sex was almost always having to deal with a pregnancy (even though that changed in the 60s pretty much, I think it is still wired in).
So men would appear to be predators, whether gay or straight, but no all are, and I've heard more than one story about how people met online, not expecting to find their partners but finding them anyway, in the end. Such is society today, that probably your chances of meeting a like-minded person are probably greater online than in other spheres. Nonetheless, other spheres include work and study (a fellow worker or a fellow student - someone you already share an aspect of life with), or through interest groups (joining a sports club, or a dance club, or a drama club, or a choir or charity, etc. Anything, really where human beings of all ages and sexual persuasions come together for a similar cause, generally unrelated to sex). Some have also tried sex clubs and found their partners there.
For the moment, maybe you should just hang out with us at GaySpeak, for a while and sort out a few of your issues. This is not a dating site, and most people here are just ready to listen to a question and help finding some sort of positive outcome. But like all forums, it can, at times, become a little judgemental.
I don't personally think that not talking about money or sex are classy, but I understand what you mean, your family is very 'proper' and has a sense of decorum. However these subjects do matter and I definitely think a good, intelligent and informed conversation about those things is as important as being able to do small talk, or talk about any other erudite or run-of-the-mill subject. In affairs of the heart, money and sex are two key matters that it would be good to be able to discuss without displaying unnecessary (and unfair) prejudice.
What I'm thinking now, as I try to conclude, is that if you decide to go down the relationship way, living your sexual orientation as you see fit, is that not going to cause friction at any time, anyway? I could see you being very unhappy not being able to 'be yourself' and having to continue in the closet. Now, some people get to monitor their happiness by disclosing at least to some of their entourage, and by making sure that these friends respect that it's your disclosure to make to anyone else. Your parents could easily be spared especially if you don't live closeby. But how much would you like your parents to learn from another source, by mistake or through spite? Something to consider. Even aged parents are more astute than we give them credit for, and they might have an inkling of what your personality is like.
Last but not least, I think (like many others here) that there is nothing to be ashamed of from being gay (or whatever). These are things that are beyond our conscious control and they are only partly learned behaviour (partly cultural, in the same way as repressing it is cultural). We couldn't even blame our parents for making us 'gay', no more than we can blame them for the colour of our eyes, or skin... It's all part of the makeup of society. It's never easy to be different and in a minority, but it can have its perks. Concentrate on the good things of being different and try to get comfortable with the person you are. Once you can admit to yourself that this is who you are (take it or leave it) then it should be much easier to feel comfortable sharing it with someone of your own taste and kind. You know there are pitfalls, of course (but heterosexual men also have to deal with those) and so forewarned is forearmed, you can enter the circus wielding the right weapons. Self confidence is not only a great shield, it is also a great magnet for other people.
Take care,
PA
I think what I meant by 'giving' us 'your background' was to find out whether you were living in the west (since you were raised there) or if you were living in a society where it is still quite dangerous to be out, or come out as gay. These things may colour the level of safety you will be procured by letting yourself be yourself and also the way we orient our advice. We are surely worried for anyone's safety in these matters.
I understand that your parents would be very troubled if they are of Middle Eastern origin and if they are elderly. They would have to deal with their own concepts of normalcy, etiquette and righteousness. So it looks as if you might have to keep that part of your life a secret. Have you got siblings who were, like you, raised in the west? Would any of them be the kind to give you family advice? You did not disclose your age group, even though we now know your parents are aged. I realise that age doesn't necessarily make much difference, but if you were 50, I'd understand coming out to parents as more difficult than in one's twenties. It's a question of how long we've been expected or known to be something. We fear disapproval and rejection for a life choice that really was never a choice in the first place (it is perceived as a choice by some sections of society).
Online doesn't have to be the worst place to start looking for a partner, although I will concede to you that there are a lot of hookup sites. The gay dating experience seems to be a very masculine one in which 'we want to try the goods first' and then possibly buy. By that, I mean, we're ready to commit once we've gained sexual satisfaction. If the sex isn't good, why bother, right? It is not the way I function and think, so I'm guessing I'm not the only one to want more out of a relationship than just a one-night stand.
I think our female counterparts react in almost the opposite way (whether this is cultural or not, I don't know) : they want to trust the person first and fall in love and then maybe they'll deliver sex. It has to be said that for women, and for so long, the risk of having sex was almost always having to deal with a pregnancy (even though that changed in the 60s pretty much, I think it is still wired in).
So men would appear to be predators, whether gay or straight, but no all are, and I've heard more than one story about how people met online, not expecting to find their partners but finding them anyway, in the end. Such is society today, that probably your chances of meeting a like-minded person are probably greater online than in other spheres. Nonetheless, other spheres include work and study (a fellow worker or a fellow student - someone you already share an aspect of life with), or through interest groups (joining a sports club, or a dance club, or a drama club, or a choir or charity, etc. Anything, really where human beings of all ages and sexual persuasions come together for a similar cause, generally unrelated to sex). Some have also tried sex clubs and found their partners there.
For the moment, maybe you should just hang out with us at GaySpeak, for a while and sort out a few of your issues. This is not a dating site, and most people here are just ready to listen to a question and help finding some sort of positive outcome. But like all forums, it can, at times, become a little judgemental.
I don't personally think that not talking about money or sex are classy, but I understand what you mean, your family is very 'proper' and has a sense of decorum. However these subjects do matter and I definitely think a good, intelligent and informed conversation about those things is as important as being able to do small talk, or talk about any other erudite or run-of-the-mill subject. In affairs of the heart, money and sex are two key matters that it would be good to be able to discuss without displaying unnecessary (and unfair) prejudice.
What I'm thinking now, as I try to conclude, is that if you decide to go down the relationship way, living your sexual orientation as you see fit, is that not going to cause friction at any time, anyway? I could see you being very unhappy not being able to 'be yourself' and having to continue in the closet. Now, some people get to monitor their happiness by disclosing at least to some of their entourage, and by making sure that these friends respect that it's your disclosure to make to anyone else. Your parents could easily be spared especially if you don't live closeby. But how much would you like your parents to learn from another source, by mistake or through spite? Something to consider. Even aged parents are more astute than we give them credit for, and they might have an inkling of what your personality is like.
Last but not least, I think (like many others here) that there is nothing to be ashamed of from being gay (or whatever). These are things that are beyond our conscious control and they are only partly learned behaviour (partly cultural, in the same way as repressing it is cultural). We couldn't even blame our parents for making us 'gay', no more than we can blame them for the colour of our eyes, or skin... It's all part of the makeup of society. It's never easy to be different and in a minority, but it can have its perks. Concentrate on the good things of being different and try to get comfortable with the person you are. Once you can admit to yourself that this is who you are (take it or leave it) then it should be much easier to feel comfortable sharing it with someone of your own taste and kind. You know there are pitfalls, of course (but heterosexual men also have to deal with those) and so forewarned is forearmed, you can enter the circus wielding the right weapons. Self confidence is not only a great shield, it is also a great magnet for other people.
Take care,
PA
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