Sex might end my relationship - please help!

[princealbertofb]

Ok, here are my thoughts @rroepcke. If spoken words can't get to him, I think you need to write this down and leave it around for him to read, take it in calmly when there isn't an issue of rejection or of sex being declined.

I also think the way you have described your quandary, and your fears has been well put across to all of us on here and that maybe you could just use some of what you've already written and explained here to say it to him -- in writing. Now. you can edit any parts that you think he doesn't need to hear, like maybe things that could sound critical of his behaviour, which might not help you bond again, because the goal is not to distend this relationship any more than it already is, at this point.

As for how to get the written message to him, you could choose several methods.
- send him an e-mail,
- leave an envelope on the kitchen table or the bedside table for him to pick up when you are not around,
- or maybe confide in a friend who has your best interest at heart and ask them to read it to him.

But I think you have to remove yourself from the physical space (home) or wherever this is going to be received and read, which should give him time to read it and take some of it or all of it in without him being able to talk to you or shout at you or whatever. Let it sink in.

You should tell him about your fears, your pain (definitely), your hopes and the love that you still feel for him. If his answer doesn't get any closer to mending the relationship, well, maybe that's your cue that you'd better both be each on your own, unless an open relationship is a path that you'd both consider (and provided that would fix it, at least for him).

Remind him that sex has other options which could be enjoyed by both of you until you can get back into your previous sex games (if at all). Use strong words, like 'rape', if necessary. But try to keep in mind how that might reflect on him while he's reading it.

Take care not to lay any blame on him that would make him feel uncomfortable, and acknowledge the fact that your surgery has impacted both of your lives in a way that you aren't happy about, but keep it about you and how you feel. If he's got a heart or a brain, he'll get it. I hope. Part of me still thinks that he should be the one being sorry and telling you he is. But maybe he really is clueless.