Wanting to move on from a long term relationship but unable to

[MikeW]

...What should I do?

It is so difficult to be sitting here at my computer reading this, wondering what I can say that will TRULY help. This is a big moment, a moment that may very well affect the rest of your life. HOW you deal with it is going to be very important. And, not actually knowing you, your partner, your new love interest... it is virtually impossible to guide you in a truly practical way.

THAT SAID... I think you need to think of it this way: "You need to re-define your relationship with your partner." Apparently, you have some sort of 'open' relationship agreement. You didn't say that but it sounds so. But, also apparently, falling in love with and wanting to build a more committed relationship with another man wasn't a part of whatever 'agreement' you had (formal or otherwise).

Well, now is the time to get that cleared up. You have spoken about your partner in terms of feeling "grateful" to him for many things. But, do you love him? You don't say. I'm going to assume that you DO or have at some point in the past, which is why you've stayed together as long as you have. You feel "obligated" to continue the relationship. Very well, but must it be continued as it is currently defined? Is it possible to "redefine" the relationship in such a way that you can continue to be a significant part of each other's life but NOT exclusive partners?

Then, of course, there is your current love interest. From what you say, you haven't told him yet about your current situation. Well... obviously you're going to have to do that. Sooner or later, if there is even the remotest possibility of a future between the two of you, you're going to have to fess-up. Yes, it will be taking a risk, but what other option is there, really? None that I can see.

But (don't know) but it may help to talk with your partner first. Tell him what you're struggling with. That, on one hand, you don't want abandon him but, on the other, you're feeling a connection with another man and want to explore that further.

My question is, does this have to be an 'either or' choice? You seem to indicate it has to be. I wonder... It really depends on how well people know what they need, communicate what they need, and listen to the needs expressed by others. Negotiating... finding ways to make it work. If all three of you WANT to make it work, it can work. But it would take all three wanting it.

Going back to your love interest, if I were him? I'd feel compassion for you both. I'd feel admiration that you have had such a long relationship that has obviously endured good and bad times. I'd respect that relationship and be willing to see how it might be possible to create a new arrangement, one in which everyone's needs got met.

I actually know of a man about your age who has been in precisely this kind of situation. His first lover was a much older man. As he aged, their relationship suffered sexually and in other ways. He found himself connecting with another man and, although it took effort, they eventually worked out a way that cared for everyone's needs. Just saying, I know such things *are* possible, at least with some people.