Later in life, figuring it all out....

[ZeroCipher]

So, it has taken me a while to finally sit down and write this; if it’s TLDR, good, I wouldn’t have valued your opinion if you cant show me the respect of reading it all.

So, for a lot of years now I have had issues with my sexuality, and am hoping there may be some others on here that can help me figure all of this out.

My first sexual experience was about 8, with another boy, tried to give him head.

I dated a few girls in HS and such, but never anything that serious. I always had a bit of a problem connecting to them it seemed.

After many years of issues in HS, I left home, and became a stereotypical homeless teen drug addict.

When I was around 19, I used to attend a queer youth center with a friend, and made the leap into experimenting. The 2 dates that I had gone on ended horribly wrong, 1 abusive and the other a “date rape.”

I left the city I was currently living in at that point and moved to another state. While there, I was dealing drugs with people that, to put it lightly, were not tolerant of homosexuals, so, any further investigation was put on hold, and I maintained only unfulfilling miserable straight relationships.

Fast forward a lot of years, and all the years of holding back my interest in men faded, and I decide to branch back out and see whats up. My straight relationships follow a very specific pattern: Everythings good, I lose interest, impotence, misery, breakup.

So now, I am trying to get back out there and figure out exactly what I want. Physically, I can find women attractive. Performance wise its hit or miss on if I really can. Men, I find attractive, not in the instantly want to jump in bed way though. But, everytime I have an encounter, things are going well, then I freak out. Inevitably, when I freak out, I get into another miserable straight relationship, doubt what I want, then the cycle repeats.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this? Like, I am on some dating sites and stuff to see if I can find a relationship, with a man, in the hopes that I will discover what I have needed all along. But, does anyone else have some issues like this when it comes to sex and coming out later in life? Or am I just a complete freak, as usual?

[LateBloomer]

You're not a freak.

Some of the things you wrote (I read it all) I can relate to (failed straight relationships + coming to terms later in life with sexual issues, etc...).

Other things I cannot relate to (drugs, abuse, homelessness, etc.).

My advice is to go slow, be patient with yourself and others, try to embrace new experiences without prejudging them based on the expectations you have for yourself or the other person.

It's hard to live honestly and in the moment, but it sounds like that's what you need most.

Welcome and good luck.

[pellaz]

use it or loose it; we spend so long hiding who we are that come time to open up and it is not there.

who do you get on with better a guy or a lady. Do you love yourself?

[Maverick]

I'm pretty much on the same plane with Latebloomer, realized later in life how I felt, yet always had an inkling to my feelings about guys. Tried to bury those feelings most of my life, married and had kids.... yep the "normal" life, lol. Now divorced (not because of my gay feelings, she was a crazy, self-centered, selfish nut) and I have no intentions on "trying" again with another women. Yet, I find myself still in the closet because of my kids and the rural, non-accepting community I live in.

Life can quickly get away from you, so my advice is to accept yourself and your feelings, and try to find that person with whom you "connect" with. If you find it, the sex will naturally follow (male or female, I believe the connection is the most important, cause that will lead to love, and the physical stuff falls into place naturally).

Good Luck!

[ZeroCipher]

Thanks Mav, I know exactly how you feel. Most of my issues are self imposed really, and thats what drives me most nuts. Id just like to be damn happy.

[James]

Hello ZeroCipher, understand homlessness, married, kids, divorce, (twice), after being outed in my teens tried suicide, went into service hopeing to die in nam, did 3 tours, glad I made it back, wanted to prove I was "normal", married, kids, house, etc, love my kids but didn't work for me, second wife stole 387,000 dollars from law firm, I had to pay back 38,000 she put in joint acct. Finally learned to care and found that most people are nice. As far as a queer center, we have a glbtq center here which supports youth and old farts like me, the also have a family night to answer questions that families have about their glbtq members, good to ave you here, welcome, stay awhile and ask all the questions you need to, Jim