I'm a 19 year old gay man in Kentucky, and my coming out didn't actually work...
My parents are divorced, and both southern baptists. At the time, I thought I was about to move out, and I felt it was wrong to leave this part of my life without being completely truthful with them about who I was. That being said, I found it much easier to come out to my brothers first, and build up support that week before talking to our mom.
I waited a week for the right time, and I finally had a moment alone in the house that I felt was the best chance I was going to get. I stumbled a bit over what I was trying to say, but eventually I managed to just say the words "I'm gay." I was actually in tears by this point(I don't get emotional often) because My last great secret was relieved and I was going to be free to move on with the knowledge that I had kept nothing from her that she deserved to know.
But her only response was "Who told you that?"
I was 18. I was an honors student, My IQ was 20pts higher than hers. and she actually thought someone else had convinced me I was gay because no son of hers could come to this conclusion on their own.
I couldn't for the life of me think of how to answer that, so I simply left in tears. My college grants fell through, and I wound up not leaving home that year. But instead of this being some huge elephant in the room, my mother has continued on as if that night never happened. she tells me not to have girls in my room with the door shut, she asks me about the women I bring around(some of whom are clearly lesbians) and if I'm "involved" with them.
The night completely destroyed my plan to tell my father. He was always so proud of me as the football lineman I was in highschool. He's proud of my scholastic achievements. I don't know how he would react if he knew.
so I'm left at sort of a moral crossroads here. On the one hand, I feel my parents deserve to know their son. They invested years of their life into me, and it would be my greatest shame to repay their love with secrets. And on the other hand, This news would come as a burden to them.
I've left this issue alone for a year now, but soon I'll be heading off to college for sure, and I'm back where I started.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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G Day mate, and welcome to gay speak.
Let me point the obvious out -
1. You have told your mum, your mum chose to ignore you and carry on as if nothing happened...WHO is living the lie?
2. Don't you think she would have spoken to your father about this?
3. If your mother wanted to know her son, wouldn't she actually LISTEN?
Mate, I'm truely sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, I can only imagine how gutted you feel right now. Do you think you are going to get a different reaction the second time around?
You haven't lied to anyone, you have been open and honest, you have done the right thing and been very brave given the circumstances. It's very unfortunate the way your mother has reacted, but it is what it is and nothing will change her reactions.
How you live your life is all that matters. Your mum will always be your mum, maybe somewhere in time she will learn that this IS the real you, and for her sake I hope she does, but until then you have to keep in mind that her reaction is NOT your fault.
Head off to college, make some new friends and find your own niche in life.
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First of all, let me say, well done for trying. And I hope you are feeling better.
I have experienced something very similar too, and I guess this is just how people react when they have no idea how to make sense of what is being told to them.
I think coming out doesn't happen in one try.
Even if they get the idea, they will still have to adjust to you bringing how BF not GF, and talking about it etc. Its a on going battle.
I dont want you to sound too cheeky but if anyone asks you "Who told you you are gay", just ask them "Who told you are heterosexual?"
Also, dont let your mom off the hook by playing dumb.
You know you said to her what you said and she heard you, so just talk to her on the premise that she knows now. Letting her off the hook now will make her think she can get away with it by playing dumb.
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darkality24 Wrote:I'm a 19 year old gay man in Kentucky, and my coming out didn't actually work...
My parents are divorced, and both southern baptists. At the time, I thought I was about to move out, and I felt it was wrong to leave this part of my life without being completely truthful with them about who I was. That being said, I found it much easier to come out to my brothers first, and build up support that week before talking to our mom.
I waited a week for the right time, and I finally had a moment alone in the house that I felt was the best chance I was going to get. I stumbled a bit over what I was trying to say, but eventually I managed to just say the words "I'm gay." I was actually in tears by this point(I don't get emotional often) because My last great secret was relieved and I was going to be free to move on with the knowledge that I had kept nothing from her that she deserved to know.
But her only response was "Who told you that?"
I was 18. I was an honors student, My IQ was 20pts higher than hers. and she actually thought someone else had convinced me I was gay because no son of hers could come to this conclusion on their own.
I couldn't for the life of me think of how to answer that, so I simply left in tears. My college grants fell through, and I wound up not leaving home that year. But instead of this being some huge elephant in the room, my mother has continued on as if that night never happened. she tells me not to have girls in my room with the door shut, she asks me about the women I bring around(some of whom are clearly lesbians) and if I'm "involved" with them.
The night completely destroyed my plan to tell my father. He was always so proud of me as the football lineman I was in highschool. He's proud of my scholastic achievements. I don't know how he would react if he knew.
so I'm left at sort of a moral crossroads here. On the one hand, I feel my parents deserve to know their son. They invested years of their life into me, and it would be my greatest shame to repay their love with secrets. And on the other hand, This news would come as a burden to them.
I've left this issue alone for a year now, but soon I'll be heading off to college for sure, and I'm back where I started.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I understand that they are your parents and most of us wouldn't think of breaking our parents' hearts off. But funny isn't it? They have no problem to break our hearts.
Anyway you've told your mom. You did your part. She was in denial. Sorry if this sounds rude but that is her problem and not yours. Carry on with your life as who you are. You don't need to wait for anyone's approval at all.
And remember, you are an adult now. You need to live your own life.
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It the same principle as the stages of grief.
Um... Denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance ( I suggest you Google 'Stages of grief' and learn more.)
Her first reaction of 'who told you that?' is the Denial phase.
It basically works that she can't accept that you know your gay, so her opening gambit is to act like it isn't so, that someone else just told you this.
Got to remember Mom (and dad) spent a lot of time dreaming their perfect life for you. School college, great job in life, wife, 2.6 kids, 3.2 cars, a white picket fence, suburban lot,5 bedrooms - yada yada yada. From the day they found out that she was pregnant with you they planned out your life for you in their head.
So your coming out gay is like you just died. Suddenly their dreams for your life are dashed on the rocks. Unless they happened to dream that you would meet a nice man, adopt 3 kids or have5 dogs and live in the Gay district or in a bed and breakfast.... you get the idea....
So her (their) reaction will be as if they are dealing with grief, Denial, bargaining, anger, depression then finally acceptance.
For the record you came out of the closet - you did your bit - they know.
Different people go through the stages of grief at different paces. My mother can go through the denial, bargaining,depression stages in about 5 minutes (less on most occasions) and gets stuck on the anger part. My father hits the denial stage and stays there for years, decades. When I told him I was gay he literally changes the subject to the weather and the effects it had on his crops that year. We didn't discuss or mention my being 'that way' for years. He refused to 'deal with' it.
Seems to me your mom is stuck in denial. That is her journey, you can't force her to walk this road any faster than she wants.
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hello,
Coming out as gay can be a hard thing and to be honest whether your parents like it or not they gotta just bite the bullet like u have in admitting it to them. With all due respects your mother as no rights to say no son of hers is gay and whos convinced you because its a walk of life its a way of life like being straight. You are what you are end of story and you need to just say to your mum that your sexuality doesnt dchange the person you are inside regardless of any views she may have she still has (however many sons). If she wants to understand how people are gay then ask her how people are straight... Its all to do with our DNA and our genetic build up. YHou get homosexuality in the animal kingdom as well us our walks of life.. The reason she is like she is is because in society there is so much stigma attached to some people that their own naivetity and outlook on life has to fit a certain criteria and to be honest thats really sad.. If you feel ready to do it then tell her that you are what you are and will be leading this life you want to be happy as a person not live a life of lies just to please others around you. Explain that you dont want to hurt other people such as get a girlfriend and then leave her because you cannot feel at ease around her. You may be only 18 but to be honest you are a free person and also an adult....
Best of luck and whilst ya at it tell ya dad his reaction could be more supportive
kindest regasrds
zeon x
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Hi and welcome to GS
Give her time , she can't live in denial forever.
Sooner or later she will have to face the truth, right now she is still clutching at straws.
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I think all parents regardless what their child is be proud of what they are achieving in life i know my boyfriend said once he wouldnt be hapopy if his son was gay because of the stigma but i told him if his son was he would be expected toi support and guide him as a father which any parent should do
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You need to make sure they know that your homosexuality is not something that will just go away.
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Easiest way to do that i would say is to assure them that you still love them as parents and you ask for the same back
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