Has anyone went from being a "foreveralone" to completely changing your life/mindset?

[AlephNull]

I was once so depressed and alone. but it changed for me in 08 when i reconnected and fell in love with my best friend. I'd known her since i was 3 and we lost touch. Long Story short. We're married now. and I'm happy and in love. Things can change for the better in an instant.

Mick

Oh! I so do want to hear the long story. It sounds interesting. Please tell it.

[Gizzie]

You definitely do not have to be beautiful to find happiness.
I dont deny that good looks can get you places etc, but thats something that will fade away with age.

As long as you take good care of yourself, you neednt worry too much.

[sync088]

thanks for the help guys, ill try my best

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm 24 and totally feel like a loser, having only recently come out a few years ago I basically have never been on a date, EVER (so yes I'm a virgin, and no Ive never even kissed a guy, ever).

I think why I didnt even try (even while closeted) was because I'm ugly, I feel ugly and guys (especially gay guys) seem to judge harshly on looks. I'd hang out in gay chat rooms mostly and I remember something a guy (also like me) told me a few years ago and I've never forgot it, he basically said "listen, ugly guys don't ever get with hot guys, unless they're rich or famous, and only then it's because of the money. If you want sex with a hot guy, you can have it, you're just going to have to pay for it...just don't expect a relationship, that's life and it aint pretty, and no one said it'd be fair"

Now I dont think i have super high standards, I just want to date someone I'm attracted to, even a little bit. But I feel like looks are everything and it's hard for me to find someone who's been in my position and use it as motivation. I want to develop a mindset because people always say that confidence is attractive, it's just hard to notice.

So was what that guy said right? Or has anyone here proven him wrong and gone from being a 'loser' (like I am) to living the life they always wanted? Please be honest, I'd rather just not waste my time... and thank you so much for your help.

To paraphrase. Ugly is in the eye of the beholder.

The whole 'ugly/beauty' thing is pretty much up to the person who is doing the viewing. I have met ugly people - real ugly people - most of them were in a nice, attractive package - a body to die for - so to speak. But inside, where it really counts, they were as ugly as sin.

Half your issue is you are hanging out in gay chat rooms. You are not going to find a decent guy there. Sorry. It ain't gonna happen.

Out of the 8 guys I ever had sex with (I'm 45 - you do the math) three of them I met at bars/clubs - two of where were intentional casual sex - one night stands - my 'slut phase' where I tried the whole sex for the sex of sex thing to see if I liked it. I didn't. The other ended up being a rocky many false starts at a relationship. It didn't end well.

The other guys I met at work, at library, etc. - doing other things not really 'gay oriented' just oriented at doing things in my life I liked to do or at the very least understood.

Frankly I do not get the whole dating on the internet thing, nor the long distance relationship thing. I see these as preset to self destruct so why bother.

Another thing, seems to me you are acting desperate. Desperate acting individuals have ugly behaviors - they come off as ugly in a desperate attempt to 'win favor'.

If you have any hobbies or other interests, then I suggest you join real-life meetings/clubs where you can explore that sort of thing without the intent of actually finding a lover. You most likely will meet lots of interesting people who will have a casual interest in you as a friend. Even straight folk can be fun to be around.

Straight folk are kinda sorta crazy when it comes to the 'hook up my gay friend' they actively seek other gay playmates for their gay friend, arrange blind dates, set up social occasions (dinner parties, BBQ's, etc) to hook up their single gay friends. It seems to be a life long mission for the straights. So you might want to consider getting a few straight friends who will, most likely, be more than willing to help you.

Gay rated, straight approved gay folk are usually really nice folk to be around. They also are often not into the whole gay scene and will most likely not be as shallow as the gays you are hanging with.

When you are looking for love in all the wrong places, its time to pull up stakes and hunt for love in fresh, new hunting grounds.

[gfxtwin]

This is the entire reason I have nothing to do with "THE Gay Scene". They are a frivolous, judgemental, superficial, materiallistic, drug adled, alcohol soaked minority whose lives revolve around nothing but gay clubs and chatrooms and bitching about everyone and everything.

Stay away from Gay Chatrooms.

Some dating site are better than others I find, but I generally stay right away from chatrooms and Gay nightclubs. They are so up themselves that they seem to think that they have everything, but they have nothing that REAL men want

I would take it one step further and say avoid ALL chatrooms and forums unless they are dedicated to being a safe place or a place that encourages intelligent discussion, not pointless debates and negativity. If you want to talk videogames, go to gaming age, not IGN or 4chan. If you want to talk movies, go to criterion forum, not imdb. If you want to talk about gay issues, avoid the more sex and porn-based sites and talk to us here or on other message boards that allow civil discussions on gay issues.

But, more than anything, try not to spend ANY time on a forum that you could be spending in real life social situations.

Just my 2 cents

[East]

Iguys) seem to judge harshly on looks. think why I didnt even try (even while closeted) was because I'm ugly, I feel ugly and guys (especially gay

"listen, ugly guys don't ever get with hot guys, unless they're rich or famous, and only then it's because of the money. If you want sex with a hot guy, you can have it, you're just going to have to pay for it...just don't expect a relationship, that's life and it aint pretty, and no one said it'd be fair"

Now I dont think i have super high standards, I just want to date someone I'm attracted to, even a little bit. But I feel like looks are everything

You are your worst enemy. You are contradicting yourself....

You see...judging someone as "hot" is exactly the same as judging someone as ugly. Am I the only one who sees that?

I f*cking HATED it when someone told me I was "hot" when I was behind the bar...I was immediately turned off to them. I felt like they completely trivialized my whole existence. I mean really.....do you say "Thank You?" Hell no...those are my parents genes...I had nothing to do with any of it...what is there to thank someone for?

If they said I was sexy and I knew it meant they liked something ABOUT me...who I was... that did not solely rest on my appearance it was a compliment.

I actually love getting old......I had enough. I feel relieved.

The thing is...if you are constantly judging other people's looks...you are engaging in a competition...and someone is always gonna lose. You will also be vulnerable to that tired old bitter queen crapola {like the second quote above from that other guy which is hogwash)..."Listen Honey...blah blah blah...." You need to make a decision to NOT allow any of that BS to enter into your psyche. Life is short.

God doesn't make ugly people...we do that all by ourselves.

I never have thought anyone was ugly based on their appearance...I am SERIOUS! I also don't think anyone is "hot" based solely on their appearance...I think alot of people are sexy as hell but NOT because of the way they look...their looks only add to the sexiness...it has to be something about WHO THEY ARE to attract me initially.

Practice not judging other people's looks...especially your own. Really...your mind can be your friend if you want it to be. You can do amazing things with a positive attitude (and that is really sexy...in my opinion)

Good Luckmile:

[indianajones]

Its reallly not good to see people judge someone purely on the basic of how they look. Looks are important but, not, the ONLY, thing to judge someone on. And the ones who do judge only by looks, are bascially very shallow and narrow minded inside. Hence, you must learn how to avoid such people and be with the ones who are more real.

[East]

Its reallly not good to see people judge someone purely on the basic of how they look. Looks are important but, not, the ONLY, thing to judge someone on. And the ones who do judge only by looks, are bascially very shallow and narrow minded inside. Hence, you must learn how to avoid such people and be with the ones who are more real.

I am not really sure it is shallow...I think it is conditioning from the day we are born. Maybelline and Max Factor have high stakes when it comes to defining beauty...it lines their pockets with cash.

The problem I see...we often talk about suicide and bullying and in HS especially...people who are perceived as "ugly" have always been bullied and harassed. I watched what happened with alot of people and what they went through......."beauty contests" are a pimple on the ass of humanity. It makes perfect sense that another pimple on the ass of humanity owns the beauty contests...Donald Trump (BARF) The message we send to children makes me sick to my stomach.

I know women and men who have been beaten and abused because they fell in love with the person's looks and ignored who they were...when they found out that they fell in love with a monster it is too late.

My point is that if you are feeling ugly then do whatever it is that will make you feel good about yourself but don't forget the attitude...the inside of you...who you are. It matters...alot. Your looks will fade...you might have an accident...you could drop dead at any minute and I am certain that whatever you looked like will have ZERO meaning in the big picture. I also think it is sad when someone internalizes society's BS which is why I advocate not letting anyone else define who you are.

..so in my opinion if you are complaining about being ugly and dont' like it then dont' contribute to the system that separates people into categories based on their appearance. Just because alot of people buy into it doesnt' mean you have to do it...nor does it mean those people who do are necessarily shallow...

[LateBloomer]

Excellent post East.
Well said.

[zeon]

Hello,
Firstly welcome to gayspeak and secondly ill get onto your thread... Back as a child i was often alone and believed that in life i would never find a relivant partner in life and then aged 17 i decided to come out and did.... Now i am 27 and ill tell you something.... You say your ugly you feel ugly and so on and so fourth... Well let Aunty zeon tell ya something... Im 5ft 10 and 12 1/2 sometimes 13 stone (depends on the cheesecakes i eat as i adore these)... I am covered in scars from self harm i have had a major melt down and suffered 18 months of depression... I attempted suicide at 10 years of age by getting hit by a car and as a result suffer major pains in my knees in the winter and have a lovely scar where the impact ripped my skin apart down to the bone as the car was travelled between 40 MPH and 50 MPH but through all this ive managed to find happiness in life eventually.... How??? Aunty will tell you how....
First thing first being gay is not only about being all queeny and whatnot but it is also about learning to love yourself for you... If you beleive your ugly 9 times out of 10 your looking at some pictures of some lads with foundation on who are nothing more than plastic... Them there with their six packs and ripped muscles... Sod that for a game of soliders you wont get me running round the block at 5am every morning singing ill be six stone lighter when im done... Ill be six stone lighter when im done... Ill be six stone lighter six stone lighter six stone lighter when im done... I dont want a six pack because i dont want to be plastic.. I want to be unique and to be honest so should you... Look at yourself in the mirror mister and tell yourself you are such an attractive male who will find the right one when the time is right...
There is nothing wrong being still being a virgin at 24.. If your wanting to get rid of it that quickly why not google some potential cruising grounds or find a gay chat site who is looking for people of your persona... The gay world has alsorts of people wanting alsorts of things... I find pretty boys ugly and dont think they are attractive in anyway... I found happiness by not giving a toss about the opinons of some small minded indivuduals or should i say 55000 indivuduals in my hometown as it is a gay capital of the UK.. I learnt to love myself inside and think bollocks this attitude moment in life im living for me having a laugh for me and celebrating my life for me. I met my partner as a result of a one night stand and been together since which is nice but also a pain when you argue...
Now whoever said that about ugly guys they are wrong... I may not exactly be a stunner but id regard my boyfriend as one as his 5ft 6 and very slim build and to be honest loads of guys in life constantly hit on him and never me but i aint bothered i know his my partner and they cant have him so therefore the whole fat ugly people pay for sex is false...
Confidence is attractiveness however to gain it you gotta learn to love yourself and set inside free so outside can show it... Learn to not be hurt by remarks people give and do what i did.... Go out with a mind set of chilling and chatting and see where the night or day goes... You dont need to resort to some bloody old boy of 90 to loose the virginity if it isnt doing anything over where you are why not travel??? I know when i was younger i kinda thought right im going to split guys into sections.... UK section (complete) European, asian, and american/australian.... But then i realised it made me sound like a slag so i scrapped it but seriously just live today for you and tomorrow may be the day for a relationship or just a shag....


Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon xx
Gayspeak agony aunt