So for the past 3 months...
03-25-2012, 11:28 PM
First, I'm sorry I didn't see this three days ago. I rely on that front page newest posts than I do on going forum to forum. I'm lazy.
As you may know - lots of people here do, I did the suicide thing. I considered it a success since the heart and lungs stopped and ER doctors had to go to heroic measures to bring me back from death. Twice. I was dead for a year afterward - hmm. Undead. I lived at night, shunned the light which did nothing to improve my light sensitive emotions.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your arse and tell you suicide is not an option. It is an option - and perhaps it seems like a great one if not the only one. While I committed suicide in 1994, just celebrated the 17th year of my passing last December 30th, I still have mixed feelings on the whole being resuscitated thing. Some times its seems like the Doctors did an awesome wonderful thing and I am eternally grateful for their skill and talent, other times I wish to God those people hadn't mucked around and kept me from a much deserved peaceful rest.
Mind my mindset. I do not consider it an 'attempted suicide'. I did the dirty deed. I know I'm going to hell because I killed myself, committed murder. I did it, I succeeded. Just the miracles of modern medical science can pull people back from the grave - to a certain point.
I know how viable an option self murder is. I know that ending ones life can be the most preferable thing to do, the one and only option that makes the most sense.
I struggle with depression every winter. I have SAD (seasonal affected disorder). Its a situation where not enough light and cooler temps drives my mood down, down, down until I am melancholic.
My own personal experience with depression has revealed that minor stresses in life, while depressed, become major issues. This past winter with the economy sucking hard, with the mother-in-law reaping 70 years of hard drinking doing all her falling down for all of that drinking now, with my Partner being informed that his HIV drug therapy ain't working, the loss of medical insurance for us both - these 'minor' issues have become crushing weights by my depression.
Because I am depressed, I am unable to think, unable to resolve issues, unable to come up with answers - which makes these other things far worse than they are. During Spring and Fall when my mood is level and I am neither manic nor depressed I will be able to think and function and come up with answers to solve some of these issues. I am fortunate in knowing that twice a year I can tackle the problems of life and actually do something. No you can't rely on me in summer, I'm too manic and full of energy and unable to concentrate drinking tea and having a mad tea party. :tongue:
Right now in your depression you ain't going to be able to tackle minor issues. These 'small things' (they are small, remind yourself of that - often ) are going to look like huge mountains that you have to move with a tablespoon.
Depression makes the bearable, unbearable. Depression clouds the mind and leaves us with an inability to think - straight or bent or any other way. Depression also feeds itself by turning everything into 'shit'. I call it the 'Shit Factor' - Everything turns to shit, looks like shit, tastes like shit, feels like shit, smells like shit and ultimately is shit. That is the depression talking not the reality underneath.
Depression affects our physical body. A decent chunk of the physical pain I have due to injuries, wrecked knee, blown disks in the spine is due to the depression. My pain is worse in winter than in summer simply due to the change in my mood.
"I Should....."
Stop shoulding on yourself. Yes that sounds remarkable close to 'Stop shitting on yourself!' - Should is a bad word for people with depression, its one of those words that feeds the depression and makes it worse. "I should......." Ends up complicating things a lot, makes the mundane tasks of life look like we are less than if we don't solve them today, makes it feel like we are less than because we ain't doing what we think we 'should' be doing.
Now for a bit of irony. There are a few things you really should be doing. :biggrin:
You should seek out professional help. Depression is a terminal illness. Granted no death certificate says under the cause of death 'Depression' but 'fatal self inflicted gunshot wound', or 'Fatal fall' or 'Fatal Self induced OD' are all depression at work. Your contemplating suicide is depression at work, its becoming terminal and will trick you into doing something that results in their being a coroner's report on you.
You should set reasonable goals in your life on a day to day basis. No, do not set a long term life committed goal. Each morning set reasonable goals. A reasonable Goal can be simply 'I will get out of bed and get dressed today'. That is your one and only goal for the day. Accomplish that and you can spend the rest of the day reflecting on how clever and brilliant you are for having gotten out of bed and got dressed. Trust me, it can be a huge accomplishment when you are depressed and is worth all the praise you can give it.
You should stop trying to run from depression. No matter how fast nor how far you run its going to be right on your heels. You need to stop, turn around and confront it for what it is. You need to recognize when its the depression talking (whispering in your ear) and telling you things are beyond repair. This isn't the truth. Every situation we have in life is repairable, we may not always know how to fix it, but it is fixable. Your hiding your depression and not talking about it is running from it.
Unfortunately you and and about 6.5 million others have bought into the Facebook Scam where you believe that because you clicked a button that says 'Be Friends with this person' that they are actually 100% bonafide friend material. The line between friends and acquaintances has been blurred - badly, since the 1970's when we started all of that being on first name basis with everyone crap. Unless you know that person and know that person has your back, they ain't your friend. They are an acquaintance.
I am NOT your friend. Sure I'm being helpful and friendly toward you, but I don't have your back and most likely a year from now you will hear the words Bowyn Aerrow and wonder who the hell is that???? I am an acquaintance, a person you most likely will never really meet and will never actually know if I really am 45 years old, gay and in a gay relationship or some fool blowing smoke up your arse. Most of the avatars you meet on line are just that, an acquaintance who may have a passing interest in your well being, but who ultimately can't or won't do much for you. People who you think you know but in reality you don't know them at all.
Get comfortable with this idea. Consider it seriously the next time you want to post a real problem to a Facebook Friend.
You need to figure out the whole rocks in a jar thing: http://syque.com/stories/discovered/rocks_jar.htm This can be a daunting task. At 45 going on 46 I'm still working on this one. :tongue:
And lastly, you should get professional help. Yeah I wrote that twice.
Therapy, a therapist, a psychologist is where you need to start. I fear psychiatrists, those mental health professionals that come with an M.D. and a prescription pad, will spend about 15 minutes with you and write a prescription for Zoloft or some other wonder drug and lead you to believe that that answer is in a pill.
While some people have only an organic/chemical issue that leads to depression. Most of us have other things going on that needs to be worked on. Emotional/Mental/Situational stuff doesn't have a pill to fix it. You need a therapist to help you to identify what makes you tick. Yes that is a lot of hard work and true you may never fix everything - however therapy and being presented with tools to help you through your crap makes it easier, even better at times. What those tools are is not easy to say. We are individuals, what works for me and helps me may actually cause you harm. So no, I'm not going to hand you over MY tools, you need YOUR OWN set of tools.
I made the mistake of going to a psychiatrist first. This was back in the day when people who saw therapists were seen as being far less than everyone else. The mistake for me was that I was misdiagnosed. Treatment for my SAD was not in pill form.
Unfortunately the psychiatrist spent about 20 minutes with me, diagnosed me as chronically depressed, wrote a couple of prescriptions and sent me on m merry way. In the middle of winter, fast approaching the Solstice in a year when other situational stuff was working against me. Thus I ended up reaching the point were I figured if one pill taken twice daily wasn't working that all the pills in the bottle would work. And we return to the point where I confess that yes I am going to hell when I die because I committed suicide. I did succeed, modern medicine brought me back.
I 'survived' death. You mayn't be so fortunate. Thus you mayn't get a second chance to do it in the right order and get a real, thought out diagnosis. If you have SAD and they throw pills at it it can seriously mess you up - big time.
I want for you to find a therapist and take in 4 sessions. Four one hour sessions with a therapist will give the therapist a goodly amount of data to work with and s/he can tell you if you need pills or tell you if all of this stuff can be handled with therapy. My diagnosing therapist spent two sessions with me and asked the right questions and quickly uncovered that my depression (and my mania) were seasonal. This ended up explaining why I tweaked so hard in winter and drank to excess in summer.
Yes you can afford it, and most likely the school you are going to has a counseling therapist (psychologist) at school who is paid to sit there and listen to students and provide them with help.
Most places have free and sliding scale programs to get you therapy. You may have to dig - hard to find those programs.
Since your in Scotland, I think this website may be of some use to you: http://www.chooselife.net/ if you are still suicidal.
At the very least they most likely have a list of programs and therapists who can (and will) work with you and any financial stuff you have to work with. As for depression, the first one on the Google list in my web search is this one: http://www.dascot.org/
There are more hits: http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...62&bih=605
As you may know - lots of people here do, I did the suicide thing. I considered it a success since the heart and lungs stopped and ER doctors had to go to heroic measures to bring me back from death. Twice. I was dead for a year afterward - hmm. Undead. I lived at night, shunned the light which did nothing to improve my light sensitive emotions.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your arse and tell you suicide is not an option. It is an option - and perhaps it seems like a great one if not the only one. While I committed suicide in 1994, just celebrated the 17th year of my passing last December 30th, I still have mixed feelings on the whole being resuscitated thing. Some times its seems like the Doctors did an awesome wonderful thing and I am eternally grateful for their skill and talent, other times I wish to God those people hadn't mucked around and kept me from a much deserved peaceful rest.
Mind my mindset. I do not consider it an 'attempted suicide'. I did the dirty deed. I know I'm going to hell because I killed myself, committed murder. I did it, I succeeded. Just the miracles of modern medical science can pull people back from the grave - to a certain point.
I know how viable an option self murder is. I know that ending ones life can be the most preferable thing to do, the one and only option that makes the most sense.
I struggle with depression every winter. I have SAD (seasonal affected disorder). Its a situation where not enough light and cooler temps drives my mood down, down, down until I am melancholic.
My own personal experience with depression has revealed that minor stresses in life, while depressed, become major issues. This past winter with the economy sucking hard, with the mother-in-law reaping 70 years of hard drinking doing all her falling down for all of that drinking now, with my Partner being informed that his HIV drug therapy ain't working, the loss of medical insurance for us both - these 'minor' issues have become crushing weights by my depression.
Because I am depressed, I am unable to think, unable to resolve issues, unable to come up with answers - which makes these other things far worse than they are. During Spring and Fall when my mood is level and I am neither manic nor depressed I will be able to think and function and come up with answers to solve some of these issues. I am fortunate in knowing that twice a year I can tackle the problems of life and actually do something. No you can't rely on me in summer, I'm too manic and full of energy and unable to concentrate drinking tea and having a mad tea party. :tongue:
Right now in your depression you ain't going to be able to tackle minor issues. These 'small things' (they are small, remind yourself of that - often ) are going to look like huge mountains that you have to move with a tablespoon.
Depression makes the bearable, unbearable. Depression clouds the mind and leaves us with an inability to think - straight or bent or any other way. Depression also feeds itself by turning everything into 'shit'. I call it the 'Shit Factor' - Everything turns to shit, looks like shit, tastes like shit, feels like shit, smells like shit and ultimately is shit. That is the depression talking not the reality underneath.
Depression affects our physical body. A decent chunk of the physical pain I have due to injuries, wrecked knee, blown disks in the spine is due to the depression. My pain is worse in winter than in summer simply due to the change in my mood.
"I Should....."
Stop shoulding on yourself. Yes that sounds remarkable close to 'Stop shitting on yourself!' - Should is a bad word for people with depression, its one of those words that feeds the depression and makes it worse. "I should......." Ends up complicating things a lot, makes the mundane tasks of life look like we are less than if we don't solve them today, makes it feel like we are less than because we ain't doing what we think we 'should' be doing.
Now for a bit of irony. There are a few things you really should be doing. :biggrin:
You should seek out professional help. Depression is a terminal illness. Granted no death certificate says under the cause of death 'Depression' but 'fatal self inflicted gunshot wound', or 'Fatal fall' or 'Fatal Self induced OD' are all depression at work. Your contemplating suicide is depression at work, its becoming terminal and will trick you into doing something that results in their being a coroner's report on you.
You should set reasonable goals in your life on a day to day basis. No, do not set a long term life committed goal. Each morning set reasonable goals. A reasonable Goal can be simply 'I will get out of bed and get dressed today'. That is your one and only goal for the day. Accomplish that and you can spend the rest of the day reflecting on how clever and brilliant you are for having gotten out of bed and got dressed. Trust me, it can be a huge accomplishment when you are depressed and is worth all the praise you can give it.
You should stop trying to run from depression. No matter how fast nor how far you run its going to be right on your heels. You need to stop, turn around and confront it for what it is. You need to recognize when its the depression talking (whispering in your ear) and telling you things are beyond repair. This isn't the truth. Every situation we have in life is repairable, we may not always know how to fix it, but it is fixable. Your hiding your depression and not talking about it is running from it.
Unfortunately you and and about 6.5 million others have bought into the Facebook Scam where you believe that because you clicked a button that says 'Be Friends with this person' that they are actually 100% bonafide friend material. The line between friends and acquaintances has been blurred - badly, since the 1970's when we started all of that being on first name basis with everyone crap. Unless you know that person and know that person has your back, they ain't your friend. They are an acquaintance.
I am NOT your friend. Sure I'm being helpful and friendly toward you, but I don't have your back and most likely a year from now you will hear the words Bowyn Aerrow and wonder who the hell is that???? I am an acquaintance, a person you most likely will never really meet and will never actually know if I really am 45 years old, gay and in a gay relationship or some fool blowing smoke up your arse. Most of the avatars you meet on line are just that, an acquaintance who may have a passing interest in your well being, but who ultimately can't or won't do much for you. People who you think you know but in reality you don't know them at all.
Get comfortable with this idea. Consider it seriously the next time you want to post a real problem to a Facebook Friend.
You need to figure out the whole rocks in a jar thing: http://syque.com/stories/discovered/rocks_jar.htm This can be a daunting task. At 45 going on 46 I'm still working on this one. :tongue:
And lastly, you should get professional help. Yeah I wrote that twice.
Therapy, a therapist, a psychologist is where you need to start. I fear psychiatrists, those mental health professionals that come with an M.D. and a prescription pad, will spend about 15 minutes with you and write a prescription for Zoloft or some other wonder drug and lead you to believe that that answer is in a pill.
While some people have only an organic/chemical issue that leads to depression. Most of us have other things going on that needs to be worked on. Emotional/Mental/Situational stuff doesn't have a pill to fix it. You need a therapist to help you to identify what makes you tick. Yes that is a lot of hard work and true you may never fix everything - however therapy and being presented with tools to help you through your crap makes it easier, even better at times. What those tools are is not easy to say. We are individuals, what works for me and helps me may actually cause you harm. So no, I'm not going to hand you over MY tools, you need YOUR OWN set of tools.
I made the mistake of going to a psychiatrist first. This was back in the day when people who saw therapists were seen as being far less than everyone else. The mistake for me was that I was misdiagnosed. Treatment for my SAD was not in pill form.
Unfortunately the psychiatrist spent about 20 minutes with me, diagnosed me as chronically depressed, wrote a couple of prescriptions and sent me on m merry way. In the middle of winter, fast approaching the Solstice in a year when other situational stuff was working against me. Thus I ended up reaching the point were I figured if one pill taken twice daily wasn't working that all the pills in the bottle would work. And we return to the point where I confess that yes I am going to hell when I die because I committed suicide. I did succeed, modern medicine brought me back.
I 'survived' death. You mayn't be so fortunate. Thus you mayn't get a second chance to do it in the right order and get a real, thought out diagnosis. If you have SAD and they throw pills at it it can seriously mess you up - big time.
I want for you to find a therapist and take in 4 sessions. Four one hour sessions with a therapist will give the therapist a goodly amount of data to work with and s/he can tell you if you need pills or tell you if all of this stuff can be handled with therapy. My diagnosing therapist spent two sessions with me and asked the right questions and quickly uncovered that my depression (and my mania) were seasonal. This ended up explaining why I tweaked so hard in winter and drank to excess in summer.
Yes you can afford it, and most likely the school you are going to has a counseling therapist (psychologist) at school who is paid to sit there and listen to students and provide them with help.
Most places have free and sliding scale programs to get you therapy. You may have to dig - hard to find those programs.
Since your in Scotland, I think this website may be of some use to you: http://www.chooselife.net/ if you are still suicidal.
At the very least they most likely have a list of programs and therapists who can (and will) work with you and any financial stuff you have to work with. As for depression, the first one on the Google list in my web search is this one: http://www.dascot.org/
There are more hits: http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...62&bih=605
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
mile:
Yeah, things always don't work the way we wanted them to. I really like your positive approach. Keeping fingers crossed for you. Hopefully, you will get some positive news.