05-01-2012, 08:28 PM
BrandonBrown Wrote:OK. Here it goes. I am married with two children. I have the proverbial perfect life. Except for he fact that I have come to the realizaion that I have been suppressing my sexuality forever. I grew up in a family where being gay was not accepted so I always did what I was supposed to do. Now the feelings are so strong that I know the lack of love and intimacy with my wife is killing her. I do not want to hurt her anymore but either way I am going to.
I live in Cleveland, not the best place to be gay. Is there anyone who has gone through this who can talk to me about their experience? This is really hard.
Any advice would be appreciated.
B
Brandon, hello and to GaySpeak.
I daresay there are many people on this site who will have gone through the same process as you have and are currently going through. Yes, it's hard to suppress one's sexuality to the point of almost disappearing into the earth because it is such anathema to some people. The worry about that is the low self esteem generated by such feelings, the feelings of inadequacy with one's family and spouse, and that yearning that never seems to die or at least shut up:
I am wondering whether your wife is aware of this problem for you, or even if she's started suspecting something if you are not feeling intimate enough with her.
Anyway you break the news to her, it's going to be devastating, especially if she has no suspicions of the reason why you are not feeling sexually attracted to her.
My partner was in a marriage such as you are and brought up six children before he realised that he needed something else out of life... He'd only got married, at 19, because he badly wanted children. His wife and he got divorced about 9 years ago now, and it didn't go down very well.
First, my partner lived in bouts of depression over the many years that he was married, not really knowing why this was until he fell in love with a man and then it hit him. It's the depression that you'll want to avoid. Maybe you are already feeling it. Is there any way you could discuss this with your doctor or a psychologist? You would probably benefit from some therapy, be it only to be able to talk about it with someone.
Of course, you are more than welcome to come here with your problems and feelings and to sort things out. We'll try to be helpful in our advice and supportive, because we know what a strain it can be for he who cannot even envisage coming out.
Things will gradually fall into place, but I'm afraid it will, at some point, be necessary to let your wife go. It doesn't mean you can't still be a good father to your children. It just means that you and your wife will become slightly estranged. But this process has already started, from what you tell us, and it looks as if you're going to have to take steps towards leading a more fulfilling and happier life. Being a happier person will make you into someone easier to be with, I'm sure.
Take courage and be brave, for the waters ahead are going to be rough and shaky.
PA