Gay and married looking for advice from experience

[princealbertofb]

OK. Here it goes. I am married with two children. I have the proverbial perfect life. Except for he fact that I have come to the realizaion that I have been suppressing my sexuality forever. I grew up in a family where being gay was not accepted so I always did what I was supposed to do. Now the feelings are so strong that I know the lack of love and intimacy with my wife is killing her. I do not want to hurt her anymore but either way I am going to.

I live in Cleveland, not the best place to be gay. Is there anyone who has gone through this who can talk to me about their experience? This is really hard.

Any advice would be appreciated.

B

Brandon, hello and to GaySpeak.
I daresay there are many people on this site who will have gone through the same process as you have and are currently going through. Yes, it's hard to suppress one's sexuality to the point of almost disappearing into the earth because it is such anathema to some people. The worry about that is the low self esteem generated by such feelings, the feelings of inadequacy with one's family and spouse, and that yearning that never seems to die or at least shut up:
I am wondering whether your wife is aware of this problem for you, or even if she's started suspecting something if you are not feeling intimate enough with her.
Anyway you break the news to her, it's going to be devastating, especially if she has no suspicions of the reason why you are not feeling sexually attracted to her.
My partner was in a marriage such as you are and brought up six children before he realised that he needed something else out of life... He'd only got married, at 19, because he badly wanted children. His wife and he got divorced about 9 years ago now, and it didn't go down very well.
First, my partner lived in bouts of depression over the many years that he was married, not really knowing why this was until he fell in love with a man and then it hit him. It's the depression that you'll want to avoid. Maybe you are already feeling it. Is there any way you could discuss this with your doctor or a psychologist? You would probably benefit from some therapy, be it only to be able to talk about it with someone.
Of course, you are more than welcome to come here with your problems and feelings and to sort things out. We'll try to be helpful in our advice and supportive, because we know what a strain it can be for he who cannot even envisage coming out.
Things will gradually fall into place, but I'm afraid it will, at some point, be necessary to let your wife go. It doesn't mean you can't still be a good father to your children. It just means that you and your wife will become slightly estranged. But this process has already started, from what you tell us, and it looks as if you're going to have to take steps towards leading a more fulfilling and happier life. Being a happier person will make you into someone easier to be with, I'm sure.
Take courage and be brave, for the waters ahead are going to be rough and shaky.
PA

[pellaz]

be the practical gay man in a straight marriage;
try to develop an exit plan that preserves most of your assets. Dont blow up in a shower of emotion and slam the door and leave.
-Where are you going to live
-do you have a job
-what about the children
-build a circle of supportive friends for your exit.

if you suspect your not 101% straight dont get married.

if you are gay and have a deep friendship with your wife you might elect to continue somehow. Relationships gay, straight or bi are mostly the same. Dont count on a relationship gay or straight to change your life when you your self were not able to do this.
For me it was a BIG eye opener that gay men have relationships and they didn't differ from what i already had. After discovering that i hid in my closet till i figured more out.

[princealbertofb]

Wise words from Pellaz as well as Rawr.... good luck to you, Brandon..

[Jason74]

I have never been married but I have known older men that have been married and did come out later on in life and most of them did when the kids were out of the house. I think that if you do come out to your wife that you should tell your kids as well. I think that some couples that go through this same situation just make up reasons why they got divorced and leave the kids out of the truth. Tell everyone and be honest, communicate to your wife why you have been drifting apart in the bedroom and all other places and yeah I am sure that it will suck for her at first. Then I am sure she will come around and understand why you are the way you are and have been acting the way you have. That just my two cents

[GreyMarc]

I am actually trying to figure the same thing out for myself in a way. And i am glad i got to read this and all the replies, i hope they have helped you like i hope they have just helped me. Good luck.

[Kiid]

Well as you maght be able to tell I am not and have never been married and have no experience but my uncle was in the same situation.
I only have advice for after wards.
KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOU'RE CHILDEREN please be a farther first!
This is one of my uncles maistakes he now no longer has much to do with his kids and he was a good farther.
DO NOT TURN TO ALCOHOL
He also has done this
WHEN YOU FIND YOU'RE SELF A MAN Do not have him control your life you children still come first. Think of them.

[DoubleDiamond]

Dr. Joe Kort has a good article on this topic. Search for his name and the article on his site, "mixed marriages."

The key part of the article is where he talks about living with integrity. See what you think.

Also, I found counseling to be very helpful. I saw a straight male therapist before I came out to my wife, then a female lesbian therapist to help me with the coming out process. Both were very helpful.

Today my ex-wife and I are good friends and I see my kids regularly.

[Kiid]

http://www.joekort.com/joekort_the_new_m...rriage.htm

I think itsh very interesting!

[monk]

@BrandonBrown :

My Dear u have ruined the life of ur kids

Utter bollocks! :mad:

[CustomMadeKid]

I haven't, but I know of someone who came out later in life when they were married and had two teenage daughters. I don't know much about it, but I know his daughters still love him and accept him and surprisingly him and his wife get on better now than when they were married.

You deserve to be happy, and so does your wife, and obviously neither of you are if you're stuck in a relationship that you don't want to be in. At the same time I understand how hard it must be and it's not an easy thing to do! Good luck!