Bumping this thread back up,
Thanks for the kind replies by the way :] For awhile I tried looking at it from those point of views. Y'know being optimistic that someday, that person will come and sweep me off my Filipino feet.
I know it's probably way to early for me in my age to call it quits on love and relationships. But I think I should just accept being alone. It just seems so awful to keep on waiting for someone or something to happen. Something that might never come or happen. I'll just accept that I'll always be "That awesome friend Bryan...". It's not so bad just being a friend.
I don't think it's everyone's destiny to be in a relationship anyways. There are always those people who will always remain by themselves; going through life and experiencing it on their own. And I've just come to accept that I'm probably one of those people.
I'm not sad at all about it; I think my mind would probably be much more clearer when it's not bogged down with thoughts of "What-if's" and "Someday's..".
Some people settle for the "good enough" guy. I guess I'm doing the same, except with myself.
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I know the feeling of loneliness I've felt it many...... many times. I've talked with my family about it. Mostly My mom because she is one of the four people in my whole family that I trust. I told her something a bit different, I told her that to me it felt that expecting the worst and to be alone seemed easier to me. I told her that when your expectations are high, your disappointment is larger. That when you get close to someone it just makes it way easier to hurt you. That was my way of justifying my loneliness.
She of course argued with me that it wasn't a healthy way of thinking that I should go through life expecting the best and always try to get the best, and to try to get close to people. She got very emotional because it wasn't the first time that I had depression. The first time was when my grandpa died. He was my best friend. He was the person that I would always trust, and when he died of lung cancer......... . I couldn't see him at all in his last minutes because I was around 8 at the time so I wasn't allowed to see him in the hospital. It shattered me. If only I could have seen him and tell him how much I loved him and how much I will miss him, I wouldn't feel as sad as I did and I still do. If you could see me I bet you would laugh....... I'm crying like a baby just writing this.
The second time that I had depression was a few years after that. Once again death came into the equation. This time my uncle. He was gay. At the time I didn't knew. He died of stomach cancer and once again I wasn't able to see him in his last hours. When he died I just didn't came out of my room at all. My parents forced me to come out. He was strict with me, but I loved him after all he was my uncle.
My mom took my conversation with her as a signal that I was falling into a depression again. She kept telling me how good life was and that god has purposed for all of us. That every thing happens for a reason. I listen to her and it made me feel better. But I still had this thought in my mind that I won't find happiness ever in my life....... My friends and family are the only thing that keep me going. There was this signature from another website that a friend showed me that said "See that girl who is always smiling..... she tried to kill her self yesterday. Looks can decieve" and that seemed to alert all my friends of my emotional problem. Because I do that...... I smile and try to act like everything is fine when it isn't and my friends seem to pick up on that because they always ask me "Are you ok? Is something wrong?" and I always lie and say that everything is fine but they know that I am lying.
I know that It isn't helpful but I just had to let it out.......... Im so sorry for taking up space in this thread.
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It's alright, no worries about taking up any space. I'm glad you shared your story for me and for others :]
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I think that when you start to focus on yourself and your goals, you will meet someone special who will be the person you have been looking for. It sounds corny, but I honestly believe it. Don't be lonely, just be focused on you for now. Make sure that you are making yourself the best you can be so that you will be ready when you find your love.
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dont give up, i've never thought i found the one until now but it's getting very complicated...
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how are things going with him mikehs123
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Bryan, why did you close down your facebook account? You don't have to publish absolutely EVERYTHING that happens to you on it... you can keep it open and publish only what you are comfortable with other people knowing. No need to shut yourself up completely to your social network-s, surely...?
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I still have some semblance of Facebook although, I don't have any friends on it and mainly use it to look up music-events around my area. Four of my close friends have a closed group on there that we all post on to keep in touch and what-not since we all live pretty faraway from each other. We go to events together or just plan things to do and hang out.
I mainly deleted all my social-networking sites because I got tired of reading peoples stuff. I already have a lot in my head and to constantly see everyone's issue all the time, I got sick of it. I know I can block on unsubscribe from people, but I feel like just deleting altogether would be much better.
Plus it seems that Facebook makes people fake. I'd rather have a handful few close-friends than a ton of 'friends' that only know me through Facebook.
It's funny though, after deleting it. I've come to know who my real friends are. If I need them or if they need me, they'd have to call/text me instead of leaving a comment on my wall. It's only a handful of them now, but I know they truly care.
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