Wasting my time?

[Spades]

I met a guy on OKcupid a while ago from my home town and we really clicked! He is smart, funny, really the type of guy I'd be interested in meeting. He had no problem with chatting online for a while and only seeing me end of the year when I visit South Africa.

So we decided to add each other on Facebook so we can stay in touch. He is online a lot as am I, but he would never send me the first message. If I send him a message we can chat for hours on end, and we share our fears, our secrets, our fantasies and reams, everything! I really think there is a connection between us.

But why doesn't he message me first? Am I reading too much into it? Am I being too needy if I send him a message every other day? Or am I just wasting my time?

[Nick9]

Spades,
if you are having good time when you chat with him, you are not wasting your time

some people my feel like they will bother others when calling first. As a matter of fact I guess I am one of them. I hardly ever call my sis, but when she calls we chat for a long time. She has small kids and I always feel like I am interrupting something. That she is busy and won't like my calling.

The fact that you both are online doesn't necessarily mean you both are ready to talk - at least this is how your friend may see it.

[avidcyclistMTB]

It could be that he's just shy about taking the first step.

[Spades]

Well he told me that yes, he is shy in person, but very talkative online. As am I! I keep on thinking that he might be busy and that he'll contact me if I stay online, but he never does so I go to bed feeling rejected...

[myapple]

He's probably the shy type or he'll think he's annoying you if he messages you first. Don't read too far into it. As long as you two are having a good time talking, who messages who first doesn't really matter. mile:

[LateBloomer]

You could try the direct approach and just ask him why he never takes the initiative to contact you. But be careful here, your tone is important. Don't sound confrontational or needy. Keep your sense of humor. Maybe make a "tongue-in-cheek" remark about how you're always the one to send the first message.

I only make this comment because at one point, when I was trying to "woo" my current boyfriend, I wanted to make sure I was giving him the "psychological space" he seemed to need. (That means I wouldn't call/text/email until I heard from him first).

I knew I had backed off a little too much when he finally commented to me: "You never call me!"



Try it, and just be direct. But don't sound accusatory.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm one of those guys who never know what to say to start/initiate conversation. It is not so much I lack interest, I just do not know how to initiate conversation.

It is not a matter of being unwilling to talk - its an inability or lack of social skills that enable others to freely pick up the phone to start a conversation.

He may be like that - just doesn't know how to start the conversation so doesn't even try. But once you (or others) engage him he is willing and able to talk.

[Spades]

I did it! I told him tonight that I really like him, and that I smile when I see him online. He said that he likes me too and that whenever we chat I leave him dumbstruck, that he feels like a blubbering idiot when we talk so that is why he doesn't initiate conversations with me.

This is a good thing, right?

[Nick9]

LOL Spades, sure it is

[avidcyclistMTB]

That's excellent!