I told my best friend I like him, now he won't speak to me

[semicharmed]

Hi, I'm in a situation that I don't really know how to handle but would appreciate some advice, particularly if anyone's been through a similar experience.

I'm gay, and it took me a long time to come to terms with this, but I came out to my friends from home three years ago, and soon after to all of my friends at university. At the time, I had a group of six straight guys, we were all good mates and ended up living together for the next two years of university. They were all completely fine with it.

I began to grow really close with one of my housemates, particularly during times when I was upset, as I have been dealing with anxiety issues which have left me insecure. Often, after nights out, I would talk to this friend about how I was feeling as his comfort made me feel much better. The amount of times I did this, however, grew too frequent, and I kept pestering him for chats and he said that he didn't really mind, only that it annoyed him that I would talk about the same things. At this time I started to develop feelings for him, and would begin to think about him and wanted to spend more time with him. He became my best friend, someone i enjoyed spending time with and made me feel happy.

But then I started to grow insecure, particularly on nights out, that he was ignoring me, and told him as much, but he told me that I was imagining it and to stop saying it.

I recently discovered my dad has cancer and that really threw me in a spin, and i was all over the place. Then, on a drunken holiday we had I felt I really had to get something off my chest, and told him I needed to tell him something. He was supportive when I sat down to talk to him but I said I didn't want to say until we got back, which he agreed was better. Nevertheless, the next night, I was drunk and idiotically I told him I liked him. He was freaked out, said I shouldn't have told him. I tried to talk to him properly, but he told me to go away and not talk about it. He hasn't properly spoken to me since, and when I talk to him I get short replies. It's difficult as we live together. When I asked him if we were okay he replied "not really" and refused to talk anymore. When I told him I was on anti-depressants that I had gotten that morning he simply said "ok", then left the room.

I know that I was in the wrong to tell him how I felt, it was selfish and foolish to put that much pressure on him, I understand how he must be reevaluating everything we said or did to see if it was because I liked him. The truth is these feelings have only been going on for around 6 months. But it has happened, and I want to know how to move forward. I would like the opportunity to explain myself, that my feelings were confused and that I value his friendship more than anything else, and that they will fade. The problem is there's only 2 weeks of university left and I'm worried that if nothing's reconciled now, we'll lose my best friend forever. When a housemate asked him about me he said he'd obviously still be my friend but at the moment we're strangers. I know it's only been two days since I told him and he needs space, but I don't want him ruminating about things that I don't get a chance to explain.

Thanks for reading, any help would be much appreciated!!

[BeautifulBlue]

I wish I was in a better state to give you more practical advice, but if he's really your friend, he'll come around. He might just be a bit shellshocked. Liek you said, he's probably just evaluating his position. I think a lot of straight guys don't think gay guys can like them as more than just friends, and if they do there' something wrong with the way they're presenting themselves (i.e, their masculinity.)

I'm sure he'll come around.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm here for you if you need me.

[bluefox4000]

Give him space man, you probably dropped a bomb. Its a lot to take in.

Mick

[dfiant]

Straight men have insecurities about their sexuality too.

The only way you can salvage this friendship is give him space and let him come to you when he is ready. If he doesn't come to you, then you are going to have to deal with that loss at a later time.

[Rikki]

What a horrible situation *hugs*. As others say, probably space is the best thing. The thing is you are probably desperate to keep the friendship that you wil continue to try to pull it out of him. Like when you said about the anti depressants. Give him space and time then maybe write him a little note to clear things up that way he can reply when he wants. In the meantime spend time with your other friends, meet other gay guys and work on your mental/emotional state. *hugs* pm me if you want man

[Sylph]

Straight men have insecurities about their sexuality too.

The only way you can salvage this friendship is give him space and let him come to you when he is ready. If he doesn't come to you, then you are going to have to deal with that loss at a later time.

In addition to Daddy and everyone else's positive thinking, I shall give my Melancholy, pessimistic opinion . Which will be slightly hard, since I'm such a goody-two shoes princess

~

A quote I hold dear, by miss Angelou;

"If someone shows you who they are, believe them" .

He's shown his true colours. If he cannot support you or accept you, even as just a friend, then fuck him . He can have all the time in the world to "come around" but what about when he doesn't? Or more importantly, what if he does?

He's blatantly said; "we're not okay" , even if that was said in a moment of OMGosh-ness, will that change 100% if and when he does come back to you?

People are not Chameleons, we do not change our colours on a whim. In moments of duress, is the time when a person's true character can be seen, and however much they try to change it or you do, it won't change. It's not meant to.

We've all had heartbreak, we've all had our dissapointments, let downs, crushes crushed and dreams shattered, but the important thing to focus on is; can you get back up?

Can you mend your own broken heart? Can you rely on yourself not to get your hopes so high that you are let down? Can your mind see what your heart cannot, when it is blinded? And can you dream a new, happier, dream?

You have to be strong in the face of adversity, no matter how hard it is. This is the plight of gays, past and present and possibly future, and people in general who do not fit inside of societies norms and expectations of a proper and ideal life.

I really do hope he comes around and that you both can have a wonderful friendship, but I sincerely hope you can handle it if he doesn't, because you're the only you, you've got .


~

Gee, it was so hard to be so mean... let me pack that away now *go away naughty Queen* :biggrin:

[azulai]

He has every right to be freaked out and uncomfortable. I find nothing wrong with his reaction. When he says you are now strangers, I'm thinking it's because you violated the trust between friends.

You must have his email. Write the dude a sincere apology, be honest and own your mistake. Then give him some space. You are not the injured party here, he is. Don't make the email about you, but about him. Let him approach you to discuss it further.

We want acceptance and support. We are so quick to call people out as homophobes. But fair is fair: we have to respect a straight person's sexuality just like we are fighting for everyone to respect ours. This guy sounds like a genuine friend. How many nights did he listen to your troubles? It's just not cool to make a move on a straight friend. Thank him for his friendship. We can't judge him now by his reaction; he's our age, right? He probably doesn't know what to do any more than you do.

After sending him an email, it's a waiting game. You have to be patient with him. You have to build his trust again over time. You cannot push for everything to smooth out on your time-schedule, but his. It's your turn to return the favor of friendship. I think at this moment that means: respecting his space, handling your own personal and family issues yourself, and not pushing him to “discuss” this if he's not ready. Focus on your dad, on getting in control of your emotions and let this level off on its own.

[monk]

This happened between myself and my best friend. He'd given out all sorts of "signs" which I took to be gay. I was wrong. After I'd plucked up the courage and told him, he told me "queers" were his pet hate and refused to have anything more to do with me.

This was forty years ago and it still hurts, dammit.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

From what you wrote I see that need turned to needy that eventually turned greedy.

You were needful of some attention, then when you got it you sought more attention by being more needy. You got that attention then you got greedy and decided you wanted him all for yourself.

You were needy when you started rehashing the same crap at/with him. I bet you felt good having him to listen to you again and again, but you were not satisfying a need (help with whatever problem) you were getting emotionally 'drunk' from his attention thus most likely fabricated a continuance of emotional need in order to get more attention.

You need to understand that you are basically an emotion sucking vampire and have been using him and victimizing him for a long time. THAT is what caused him to run away when you said you had feelings for him.

As soon as you said you liked him all of this past stuff rushed into his head and he did the math quickly.

His reaction is not so much that you like him, but that you have already formed an emotional "love affair" with him. Oh he is male, so he most likely doesn't understand how it all worked out, but he is human and does have emotions and he knows that when you said 'I like you' you were actually screaming 'I love you!'.

"I like you" was not in a vacuum, there was a long slow build up which he most likely didn't see as a build up to anything. He most likely is a compassionate, caring person with some feelings for you - please DO NOT jump for joy with that - his feelings for you may be more of a big brother for his kid brother.

I bet what is going through his mind is that all his kindness, his playing to your need (perceived and real needs) lead you on. Most likely he feels he somehow tricked you into thinking he was into the gay way - worst yet, he may be wondering if he is gay having spent all of this emotional energy on a dude.

Right now he is going to be going through the 5 stages of Grief aka Kübler-Ross model: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

While its called the 5 stages of grief, the reality is that we go through these stages whenever we deal with a change - be it minor or major.

Denial is usually the first stage, then it falls to Bargaining, Anger, Depression to eventually (in healthy people) end in acceptance.

Denial is usually the first stage and acceptance the last. Bargaining, Anger, Depression do not fall in the same order with different people.

In a way he is most likely grieving the loss of a friendship - the old friendship where he thought things were cool between you two. So he is going to have to go through that AND go through accepting this new relationship where his world is not neatly bundled and packaged in the order it was 3 days ago.

How long? Hard to tell. Some people get stuck in one stage, or a couple of stages going over them again and again, usually the anger and depression stages. Some get stuck in the anger and cannot see past it. Others rush through the 5 steps hitting acceptance in short order.

Write a letter expressing everything you are feeling to him. DO NOT SEND IT. Wait 7 days. Then open up the letter and read it again with 'fresh eyes'. IF you still feel that everything you wrote applies, send it to him. If you feel it needs to be rewritten do so then.

That is if in 7 days time things aren't back on friendly terms.

Remember - Time wounds all heels.

No wait, reverse that - Time heals all wounds.

(Actually time does both )

[semicharmed]

Hey guys,

thanks for all your responses, I see great understanding in all of them. I understand the great pressure I've placed on him, and I realise that he needs space to fully realise all of it. But what I am worried of happening is the fact that he will be thinking about things that have happened that didn't mean what he now probably thinks they did. Bowyn you are right about me returning, not to talk about the issues, but to get his support.

The hardest part is the fact that I'm living with him, I see him every day, and it's extremely hard to see how our friendship has weakened. We still hang out in the same room with the rest of my housemates, play videogames as a group, and everything seems normal apart from the fact that he never addresses me or speaks to me properly. When I sent a group text asking everyone when they were getting back from the pub, he was the first to reply with an answer. Similarly, he still included me in a group text telling me his degree grade, so I am experiencing conflicting ideas.

I have never thought my friend would ever reciprocate feelings, it was my own selfish need to tell him.
I am thinking of sending a text just explaining why I said it and how the feelings will go and our friendship will remain, and how we were good friends long before any of this started to happen. I wish he would tell me how he feels betrayed and all this, I think he feels that if he explains this, it enters relationship territory - as if we're in a relationship, but I want to let him know that we only need to talk about it once, then hopefully move past it. I need to stop repeating myself and clinging onto him for emotional support - I want to let him know I'm getting help, I'm seeking emotional support from other people, and that he has nothing to be worried about.

Thanks again guys for your responses, I've read them all and they've been great help.