* Let me start by saying I am 35 years old and for a long time (since I was a late teen/young adult) I have had sort of an attraction to men, in particular larger men. Sort of a (secret) chubby chaser.*
* The reason I say secret, and the cause of a lot of turmoil in my life at this point, is because for almost 13 years now I have been married to a woman. And to complicate matters even more, we have two children.
* I have never acted upon this attraction, other than secretly fantasizing about other men and watching gay porn in absolute private. But it has been something that has "haunted me" (for lack of a better word) for a long time now.*
* When we married, I thought I was in love, and for a while things were good. But after the birth of our second child things started turning worse.*
* We started fighting almost constantly, and I will admit that I was not always the innocent one in it. It has come very close to one of us walking out on several occasions.
* I thought I was attracted to my wife, but as I look back on it now, I feel like sex between us has been a "have to" thing for a long time now.*
* I love my children. What kind of parent wouldn't? And I don't want to hurt them, but I can't help these thoughts and feelings I have inside. I'm coming to my wits end with this. How do I reconcile 13 years and two children with these thoughts and feelings without causing pain for everyone involved?
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Ironically its always men who tend to think in terms of sex and who you have sex with means what your sexuality is.
There was a lady who posted more recently and she spoke of emotional attraction and asked if that meant she was a lesbian - she failed to mention any sexual attraction.
Being gay or bit means a bit of both - emotional and sexual attraction to the opposite gender.
Your focus thus far has been on fantasy and porn - I assume when you fantasize it is all about the sex. If not, then do you have emotional attraction to the potential idea of settling down with a man, buying a house together, raising kids and living as a married couple? Have you ever considered a man in these terms - as a lover, companion, helpmate - spouse?
The problem with marrying young (21 is really young) is that you just turned into an adult and do not have the experience - adult experiences to temper all of that childhood nativity of what being an adult is about. Now you have 10+ years of hard earned experience as an adult and you have changed - most likely a lot. And so too your wife. Somewhere between the wedding day and today each of you put childish things away and started seeing, feeling, and thinking like an old person - and adult.
This is why 50+% of first time marriages end in divorce - the majority are of 'kids' who grow up and form much different ideas about basic things, from their politics to their personal wants and desires.
Long love is far different than young love. When you first meet a person and 'fall in love' - the feelings are intense and we know that this is love. Unfortunately society tends to teach us that this sort of first hard/intense love is 'The Love' and that once it passes you are 'out of love'.
The reality is that live changes over time - it mellows out on the surface but becomes far deeper. Because it feels less strong people think its less strong, or lost. Usually it isn't lost, its just manifesting in a different way.
The second reason why divorces happen is because we have forgotten that love matures and changes over time.
There are bonafide, dyed in the wool straight men exactly in your place. The only difference is their object of desire/lust are other women. They have fantasies, watch porn, steal glances as booty and boobs - and lots of other things.
You have to figure out if your interest is one of love or one of lust. If all it is about is sex, then its just a thing of lust. If there is more you need from a man that a woman can't give you - emotional stuff beyond sex. Then you may have a problem that stems from sexual orientation.
At this point I think you need to really think about the reason why you are looking at porn and thinking about other men. Is it a band-aide - I feel good now - sort of thing that helps you escape from your marriage, or is it a real desire to be with another man - not just for sex?
More often than not, people turn to porn and fantasy to escape their reality. Raising kids, earning money, making ends meet, seemingly constantly struggling with the spouse over everything, regrets of wasting our 20s being married instead of going out and having fun - all of these sorts of things can be the real reason why you are pursing the idea of sex with a man.
The undercurrents of your relationship are most likely a lot more complex than you think.
I would suggest couple's counseling to ferret out the reasons why you and your wife are unhappy with each other. No you don't have to go in the room and confess day one that you have an interest in gay sex.
Instead focus on the rest of the relationship, the stresses, the resentments, the lost expectations, and all of the other 'crap' in life that has made your marriage a real mean bull to ride.
I bet that once you sort through all of this other crap you will find your attraction to other men to be far more manageable as an issue - if it doesn't just go away because it was a handy escape from the reality of your life.
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Thank you for the advice. I'm not saying it "cured" me of my curiosity, but it has definetly given me something to think about. I really appreciate it.  mile:
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Great post, B.A., thanks.
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I have been in several relationships. I feel that if you do not have love feelings to your wife you'd better not hurt her by going on.
of course children is a problem in your matter especially if they are young. my parents divorced when i was 11 or 12 and it was not a good experience i addmit. but later when i saw my parents no longer fighting it was actually a relief to me.
If you drag on you will feel more terrible. if you break up you also give oppotunity to your wife to have a better man. to stand in her shoe, would you like being cheated behind?
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Dean-- That is my biggest concern right now, how it will affect my kids. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to hurt my wife anymore, but I don't want to lose my children either.
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archubbycub Wrote:Dean-- That is my biggest concern right now, how it will affect my kids. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to hurt my wife anymore, but I don't want to lose my children either.
Yes, children is the core issue here. to answer your question. I only can share my own experience about it. I have told in my last post my parents divorced when i was 11 but the bad feeling was NOT about switching places to stay afterwards. the terrible feeling actually was the struggling moments before the divorce(last quite a year or so). That was because my parents were not happy to be together and i was not taken good care of. After the divorce it was great for me because i know my parents would have their new lives. and it was quite happy I go to my mom and later i go to my dad. and brought greetings to them it was not that bad. I felt very free too.
unlike your situation, you have two children, they at least can share what they think and help each other out. i was the only child in my family and i had no one to talk about this but it was still not a bad life after divorce, really.
However, it can be different in your family. I was raised in an oriental culture so it was different. If you really concern about this issue, I suggest you consult experts about "children psychology" or any other study field that is related.
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I have a lot of friends who’s parents are separated or divorced and to be honest it seems that when the divorce was mutual and both parties acted like mature adults it affected the children, yes, but they handled it much better than my friends parents who had nasty divorces. I’m not telling you to divorce her but, if your not honest with yourself and to her you are more than likely going to end up resenting her and hurting her more. I would take a step back and try to find out 1st why is my marriage rocky and then once you figure that out you can better decide what to do. I hope this helps you out.
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Again, thanks everyone for the advice. It has given me a lot to think about, as if I didn't have a lot to think of already! LOL. I'm not going to make a rash decision without thinking it through all the way. Hopefully though I'll be able to come to some conclusion soon. Again thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it.
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nice you feel attracted to porn, the makers choreograph it that way. It is not a big indicator of anything gay or straight. My advice is continue to enjoy.
gay or straight relationships are mostly the same. Concentrate on your current relationship. All relationships burn out after as many years. It is not like you found the boy of your dreams and have to give him up to be with your family. Take some couples classes, they really help.
Right now all your lives are inter twined economically and emotionally. You have the option to storm out the door but your wife and children will get everything and still curse your name. Not fun for you if you have to live in a hotel.
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