15 and fucking confused, prepare for a life story.
01-02-2008, 10:38 PM
Okay so I turned 15 in recently but i've been have thoughts about 'gayness' for a long time since I'd say I've been having these thoughts and feelings since I was 13 But managed to surpress them for about 9 months when I was 14.
However Around this time last year I met a boy in german class called neil who offered me a place in his group and friendship. Now, I owe this boy alot because at the time and before I met him I was what you would call a bit of a 'geek' a hung around with geeks but only out of habit I was the only one girls displayed interest in and I always felt out of place with the people I was with. But he saw potential in me, he knew I wasn't one of them so he took me in and turned me into something to much better.
Now at this time he was something of an 'emo' ( for those who dont know its a bit like a toned down goth ) and so were two of his friends. Now his group which consisted on him, Bill, and Louis.
Were part of a much larger group who were not emo but more into indie/electro music. The larger group never properly accepted me like the emos did and I became very close to neil and the other two.
At this point I was introduced to 'getting battered' which concisted on gathering as much alchohol as possible and if we were lucky the odd joint, waiting till it got dark, finding a park or green and well...getting battered. Not long after Neils birthday word spread that he was bisexual he did not deny these aligations.
Now, when I heard this news I was initialy shocked and mildy disgusted (forgive me) but our friendship did not change. As time progressed I accepted his sexuality and this stayed pretty much the same for a long time until Bill made an annoucement that we we're breaking off from the larger group.
Now I was unsure about this, the larger group were the coolest people in our year some of them had grown to like me, like Rochelle whos taste in electro music had rubbed off on me and who I had secretly fallen madly in love with. I had been holding onto to hope that the rest would follow.
However I had little choice and we drifted across the playground and joined forces with another group who were not geeks per say but they were not particularly popular. I stayed bitter about this move for a long time and therefore they did not grow to like me either for a long time. There was also a bit of dislike towards louis for some ridiculous reason, therefore I stuck close to Bill and Neil and our friendships grew.
Now, Bill isnt a particurly attractive boy, hes the funniest nicest guy in the world but hes overweight and spotty but neil is gorgeous and being reminded of his sexuality every day by Bill making harmless jokes about it ( Neils a vegetarian but Bill insists he eats meat ;o) I started developing feelings for him.
Now I never said anything or even hinted at my sexuality to other people. However one monday night he asked us if we wanted to go out and take ecstasy, now I'd never done E before but it was something I was interested in I'd looked it up and deemed it okay to take.
So I told him I was up for it but Bill and Louis wern't aloud out on a school night. SO me and Neil went out alone and got the pills and took them in a playground. I told him everything. He said that he had never thought about me in that way before but he was glad he had now. We made out alot that night, and promised each other we wouldn't tell anyone else.
A few days later i found out he had told the whole group. We got into a breif argument and didnt go out again for a long time after that. However in early december me neil and bill were supposed to go out for a night of pilling, but Bill dropped out at the last minuite. Either way Me and Neil went out and it was a beautiful night and we talked alot more about our feelings for each other he said the reason he told people was because he didn't want them to find out any other way and he had started having feelings for me after that night.
We made out again but went no further. Later in december, my birthday I bought a ridiculous amount of pills and we were in a park when it starting raining very heavilly, there were five of us out and we were all huddled under the closed cafe/toilets (it was one in the morning) he asked me to go for a walk with him in the rain. He took me behind the cafe and with out saying a word dropped to his knees and...well you know.
As soon as he was done I did the same and we rejoined the group. We never spoke about it afterwards. Last night he was sober and said he would like to have sex with me, sober. I agreed. I tried calling him today but he wouldnt take my calls. I'm worried he was joking, but i didnt sound like it last night. I have school tomorrow so i'll talk to him then.
Sorry I'm not great with paragraphs.
However Around this time last year I met a boy in german class called neil who offered me a place in his group and friendship. Now, I owe this boy alot because at the time and before I met him I was what you would call a bit of a 'geek' a hung around with geeks but only out of habit I was the only one girls displayed interest in and I always felt out of place with the people I was with. But he saw potential in me, he knew I wasn't one of them so he took me in and turned me into something to much better.
Now at this time he was something of an 'emo' ( for those who dont know its a bit like a toned down goth ) and so were two of his friends. Now his group which consisted on him, Bill, and Louis.
Were part of a much larger group who were not emo but more into indie/electro music. The larger group never properly accepted me like the emos did and I became very close to neil and the other two.
At this point I was introduced to 'getting battered' which concisted on gathering as much alchohol as possible and if we were lucky the odd joint, waiting till it got dark, finding a park or green and well...getting battered. Not long after Neils birthday word spread that he was bisexual he did not deny these aligations.
Now, when I heard this news I was initialy shocked and mildy disgusted (forgive me) but our friendship did not change. As time progressed I accepted his sexuality and this stayed pretty much the same for a long time until Bill made an annoucement that we we're breaking off from the larger group.
Now I was unsure about this, the larger group were the coolest people in our year some of them had grown to like me, like Rochelle whos taste in electro music had rubbed off on me and who I had secretly fallen madly in love with. I had been holding onto to hope that the rest would follow.
However I had little choice and we drifted across the playground and joined forces with another group who were not geeks per say but they were not particularly popular. I stayed bitter about this move for a long time and therefore they did not grow to like me either for a long time. There was also a bit of dislike towards louis for some ridiculous reason, therefore I stuck close to Bill and Neil and our friendships grew.
Now, Bill isnt a particurly attractive boy, hes the funniest nicest guy in the world but hes overweight and spotty but neil is gorgeous and being reminded of his sexuality every day by Bill making harmless jokes about it ( Neils a vegetarian but Bill insists he eats meat ;o) I started developing feelings for him.
Now I never said anything or even hinted at my sexuality to other people. However one monday night he asked us if we wanted to go out and take ecstasy, now I'd never done E before but it was something I was interested in I'd looked it up and deemed it okay to take.
So I told him I was up for it but Bill and Louis wern't aloud out on a school night. SO me and Neil went out alone and got the pills and took them in a playground. I told him everything. He said that he had never thought about me in that way before but he was glad he had now. We made out alot that night, and promised each other we wouldn't tell anyone else.
A few days later i found out he had told the whole group. We got into a breif argument and didnt go out again for a long time after that. However in early december me neil and bill were supposed to go out for a night of pilling, but Bill dropped out at the last minuite. Either way Me and Neil went out and it was a beautiful night and we talked alot more about our feelings for each other he said the reason he told people was because he didn't want them to find out any other way and he had started having feelings for me after that night.
We made out again but went no further. Later in december, my birthday I bought a ridiculous amount of pills and we were in a park when it starting raining very heavilly, there were five of us out and we were all huddled under the closed cafe/toilets (it was one in the morning) he asked me to go for a walk with him in the rain. He took me behind the cafe and with out saying a word dropped to his knees and...well you know.
As soon as he was done I did the same and we rejoined the group. We never spoke about it afterwards. Last night he was sober and said he would like to have sex with me, sober. I agreed. I tried calling him today but he wouldnt take my calls. I'm worried he was joking, but i didnt sound like it last night. I have school tomorrow so i'll talk to him then.
Sorry I'm not great with paragraphs.
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reminds me of the good old days...